Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Archives for June 2011

Whiny Wednesday: A Pregnancy Announcement

I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail. Let me repeat that. I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail, not a birth announcement, but a card informing me of a potential birth, a birth that is forecast to happen next year!

I was especially surprised because I’d seen the return address on the envelope and knew that the sender was a woman in her late 50s! Turns out it was an announcement of a grandchild-to-be. I know. But wait, it gets stranger. Tucked inside the card was a copy of a sonogram image of my friend’s daughter-in-law’s uterus and her 12-week old peanut.

Now granted, I’m a little old-fashioned in these regards. Coming from a culture that subscribes to the “don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched” mantra, it took me a while to adapt to the idea of baby showers and giving gifts before a baby is born. And frankly, after my own dabbling in infertility, and having heard your stories, I’m beginning to think that this notion of waiting isn’t so old-fashioned after all.

To say this least, this pregnancy announcement caught me off guard and, all things considered, I think a phone call would have sufficed, don’t you?

It’s Whiny Wednesday and this is what’s under my skin this week. What’s under yours?

The Five Stages of Grief

In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described the five stages of grief as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. If you’ve been given a diagnosis of infertility, suffered the loss of a pregnancy or baby, or you’ve reached a point in your life where you realize that motherhood just isn’t on the cards, odds are you’re all too familiar with these five stages.

Have you ever caught yourself saying some of these things?

“This can’t be happening to me?” “I’m perfectly healthy; what do you mean my tubes are blocked?” “I’m only 38; I’m too young to be infertile.” “I’m 42; there’s still time.”

That’s the Denial talking.

“It’s not fair.” “Why me?” “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.” “Why is there no logic to the way blessings are handed out?”

That would be the Anger Stage.

How about: “I’ll just try this one last thing and then I’ll stop.” “If I can just relax, I know it will happen.” “If I lower my expectations, maybe I’ll meet someone worthy of being the father of my children.”

Yup. Bargaining.

“If I can’t be a mother, what’s the point of me?” “I must have done something to bring this on myself.” “No one understands what I’m going through. I feel so alone.”

Classic Depression.

“It’s going to be okay.” “So, you don’t always get what you want. At least I have my health/husband/career/golden retriever.”

This is at least the start of Acceptance.

As Kübler-Ross pointed out, the stages don’t always happen in this order, or in any logical sequence at all. May you got stuck in anger for a long time and skipped the bargaining all together, or maybe you went straight to acceptance, only to slip on one of life’s banana peels and end up right back in depression.

The thing is, it’s okay, it’s normal, and it won’t last forever.

Kübler -Ross applied her theory to death. In this situation, some people struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they will be to stay in the denial stage, and the less likely they are to die in a dignified way.

Unlike someone facing death, we have somewhere to go after our losses. We have the chance for a new, if different, life. And while going through the five stages can be ugly and unpleasant, the key is to come out the other end with our dignity intact.

Octomom’s Doctor Loses License

By Kathleen Guthrie

Michael Kamrava, the Beverly Hills fertility specialist who transferred 12 embryos to Nadya Suleman and launched her career as “Octomom” (she delivered octuplets in 2008), has lost his medical license.

Read the full story here.

A judge initially recommended Kamrava be put on probation for five years for impregnating Suleman, who was already struggling to care for six children as an unemployed single mother.  However, the medical review board of California, finding Kamrava “committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence” in this case and at least two other cited cases, instead decided to pull his license.

It’s about f*&%ing time.

He claims he was just doing his job, by giving the patient what she wanted. I think what he did was unconscionable. What do you think?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She believes there is a special place in hell for the charlatans who take advantage of women struggling with infertility. 

Anyone for a Book Club?

I must confess that I’m really enjoying these Saturday morning posts because they’re forcing me to think about some of the things I love, instead of only thinking about not having children. This is good for me, and hopefully good for you, too.

On my list of things I love is reading. I love books – fat ones, skinny ones, weird ones, funny ones – and I’m always on the prowl for a good book recommendation. My good friend Kathleen (who writes the Monday “It Got Me Thinking” column) runs a fantastic book club in San Francisco. I’ve tried to attend, but my recent schedule has caused me to miss the last two meetings and I’m jonesing for a good chat about books.

So, it got me thinking…why not start an online book club here?

I’m envisioning reading a book a month and then meeting either at a given time on the chat or throughout the month on the forum. I will put together a short list of books to begin with. Once the group gets going, we can all decide what to read next. My only caveat is that the books we read have nothing whatsoever to do with not having children!

Any interest in this idea? If so, post a quick comment below and join the Book Club Group on the main site, and we’ll take it from there!

Would you choose to be a single mother?

An article titled “Baby Without Marriage” caught my attention on BlogHer recently. [You can read it here, but be warned that it’s posted in the Pregnancy section of the site.] The author was asked by a friend, “If you don’t get married by a particular age, would you consider having children without a husband?”

The author had this to say:

“I have to admit, the thought has crossed my mind, but I’d never sat down and really thought about it. I’d never really imagined my life without kids. I guess I’d never really imagined it without a husband either, but I’d given children more of a consideration. But man, what would I do? Adoption, IVF, a good night with a good friend or ex, what? And at what age is my “out-of-wedlock” age? I’ll be 35 this year.”

She goes on to explain that she’s not ready for kids yet, but she’s aware that if she keeps putting it off, it’s eventually going to be too late.

I could really relate to her quandary, as I found myself in that same situation in my very early 30s. With no sign of a potential daddy in sight (Mr. Fab and I hadn’t figured out we were destined to be more than friends back then), I started to have the conversation with myself about whether I was prepared to be a single mom. As it turned out, Mr. Fab and I did find one another before I hit my “out-of-wedlock” age, only to discover, of course, that I was already past my expiration date. But I wonder; if things had been different, would I have made a go of it alone?

I’m older now, and supposedly wiser (or at least more tired), but trying to think as my younger self would have, I wonder if I would have had the courage to parent alone. I like to think that the sensible part of me would have realized that with no family within 6,000 miles, it would have been close to impossible, but as I watched my window of fertility close, I would have made the last-minute leap?

I know that some of you have weighed this decision and that some of you are still considering it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Book Review: The Barrenness by Sonja Lewis

In her debut novel, Sonja Lewis tackles a subject that rarely makes it into fiction: the decision to have children or not.

In The Barrenness, Lewis tells the story of Lil, a successful Porsche-driving executive, in fictional Riverview, Georgia. When the childless aunt who raised her dies, Lil returns to the tiny rural town where she grew up, to take care of her aunt’s final wishes. There she becomes embroiled in a bitter battle with her late aunt’s stepson, over who should rightfully inherit the house where Lil grew up, but in which the stepson now lives.

As this story unfolds, Lil is faced with her own ticking clock as she acknowledges her aunt’s sadness at never having children of her own. Lil has always expected to have children, but as she nears 40, she realizes it’s now or never. The problem is that the one man who holds any possibility – the delicious Danny Hatcher – has a teenage stepdaughter and no desire for more children. Now Lil must decide where her priorities lie, and if motherhood is something she is willing to fight for.

The Barrenness mixes family drama with romping romance, all with the undercurrent of Lil’s desire for motherhood and the decision she must soon make. Lewis’s talent lies in her vivid portrayal of life in The South and the rich characters she brings to life, from Aunt Mamie with her no nonsense lilting drawl to the villain, Will, and his nasty street talk. Lewis turns the spotlight on the pressure many women feel to squeeze through the window of fertility before it closes for good.

Whiny Wednesday

I just had the period from hell.

I had a week of PMS – bloated like the Hindenburg, cranky like a tiger with a sore paw, coupled with the dull ache of expectation that comes along with it. All this followed by three days, count ‘em, THREE days of cramps, and not just the niggling type, but the “I can’t get off the couch” type. And for what? Nothing!!! My body is going through its happy little reproductive cycle for absolutely nothing!!

Oh, I know that menopause will hit me soon enough and bring its own little joys, but right now, a menstrual cycle that I have absolutely no use for just feels like a slap in the face.

In our house, it’s been Whiny Wednesday all week, but today is the official day to say what’s on your mind, so go for it. Whine away, ladies.