Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Archives for July 2011

Whiny Wednesday: Hot!

It’s about a million degrees at my house (ok, it’s about 95, but anything over 90 may as well be a million, as far as I’m concerned) and over the past three days I have spent more than 12 hours sitting in a car. All I want to do is go to my local park and run amongst the trees. But it’s too flipping hot!

Aside from that, I’m feeling pretty chipper this week, but it is Whiny Wednesday and the floor is open to get whatever is on your chest off your chest. So, let it all hang out.

For those of you who expressed an interest, here is a link to my interview from yesterday’s Sacramento & Company news show. The host was fantastic, and offscreen, I had a great conversation with him and two of the producers, about being childfree. It’s always good to meet people who get it.

It Got Me Thinking…About Lies

Guest post by Kathleen Guthrie

After years of living with cracked tiles, a door that popped open at awkward moments, faucets that never completely turned off, and circa-1970 nonslip floor stickers, we finally remodeled our decrepit shower. The gentleman who did the work did an excellent job. His sales rep, hmmm, not so much: “It will be easy! It will be clean! We can do it all in a day!” I’m still finding dust and debris in odd places, and “Joe” (I’m not using his real name, ’cuz that’s not cool) was here for an exhausting 10.5 hours the first day, then returned for another 2.5 hours the next morning.

About three hours into it, Joe said to me in exasperation, “I don’t know why they tell customers we can do it in a day. These things always take at least a day and a half or two.”

Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier if the sales rep has just been honest? We could have planned ahead for two days of showering at the gym. Instead of having to cancel at the last minute, I could have scheduled meetings on different days. It certainly would have been easier on Joe, who had to bump other service calls and muck up other people’s busy lives.

And that got me thinking about other big lies I’ve heard in my life. A whopper came when I was a teenager and was experiencing debilitating menstrual cramps. My doctor, a very sweet man, said to me, “This is good. It will prepare you for childbirth so that labor pains will be a breeze.” I held onto his promise for the next 30 years while waiting to have my baby and experience the miracle of pain-free birthing. It’s not his fault that I didn’t get to have children. But I look back and wish someone had been straight with me, saying something like: “Don’t plan your dreams around the possibility of being a mom, because it might not happen. And these agonizing cramps? Yeah, they suck and life isn’t fair. Fill this prescription for pain killers and get over yourself.”

I know many of you have heard “I can make you pregnant!” “This procedure will work!” “It’s the miracle cure that will give you the baby you want!” But I wonder this: Would it have been any easier if someone had told us the truth upfront? Would we have listened and really heard it?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.

Happy 4th of July

It always tickles me as a Brit to be celebrating America’s independence from my people, but hey, you can’t stop progress.

This year I will be watching the rocket’s red glare over my state’s capitol building (assuming the California budget will stretch to it this year.)

Then I am taking my show on the road to talk about my book, infertility, and the ups and downs of being childfree-not-by-choice.

If you happen to be in Sacramento I will be talking to Guy Farris on Sacramento & Company on Tuesday morning’s show, 9:00 a.m. Channel 10.

On Wednesday, I’ll be talking to Shannon Sanford on WTBQ in New Jersey (airing Saturday, I think.)

Then on Thursday, I’ll be talking live with Kim Iverson on her show that airs in all these fabulous places:

AUSTIN – KAMX (7pm-Midnight)
BUFFALO – WTSS (7pm-Midnight)
DENVER – KALC (7pm-Midnight)
INDIANAPOLIS – WZPL (7pm-Midnight)

MILWAUKEE – WMYX (7pm-Midnight)
MEMPHIS – WMC-FM (7pm-Midnight)
NORFOLK- WPTE (7pm-Midnight)
PORTLAND – KRSK (7pm-Midnight)
WICHITA- KFBZ (6pm-11pm)

If you get the chance, please tune in. I will post links when I can.

For now, whether you’re celebrating 4th July, Canada Day, or having a normal Monday (or Tuesday for our Oceanic friends), have a safe and happy 4th of July.

P.S. Kathleen’s regular Monday “It Got Me Thinking…” column will post tomorrow.

The LWB 30-Day Challenge

As you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been on a bit of a health kick lately. I’ve had a couple of minor health thingies this year – nothing serious, but just enough to remind me that I have to take care of this body of mine if I’m going to make it to 90 and do all the things I’m planning to do.

I’ve been eating healthy, cutting back on the things I know I’m supposed to cut back on, and I’ve been feeling way better. But the one problem I have is that I sit at a desk all day.

I’ve read several articles recently (like this one) about the ill effects of a sedentary life, and even though I do exercise, I’m concerned that I just don’t move enough. So…for the next 30 days I am going to move for 30 minutes every single day. Doesn’t matter whether it’s walking to the Post Office, going for a run, or boogying in the living room to some 80s tunes, I am going to move my behind.

Here’s my challenge to you:

What do you need to do to be good to yourself? Do you need to drink more water, get outside more, take your vitamins, do the back exercises your doctor gave you? What do you need to do that you’re not doing now? Do it for 30 days. Start today until the end of the month, or if you’re deep into a relaxing weekend or the long 4th July weekend here, then start next week. But start. Pick a challenge that works for you and do it.

I am going for a walk at the beach now, but I’ll be checking on you as the month goes along.

Meeting New People

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting one of my readers in person!! It was so much fun.

At first it was a little strange, because the only thing we knew we had in common was our infertility and we both knew that the topic would come up, which it did. I learned something new about my own diagnosis from her experience. It was something my own doctors had never told me and, while it doesn’t change my prognosis, it helped me to put another piece of the puzzle in place, and make sense of what happened to me.

We also talked about food, shopping, and Los Angeles, and discovered a mutual love of travel. I left our lunch feeling as if I’d found a new friend and I hope that she felt the same way.

Our childlessness does not define us and it is only a small part of who we are, but my own experience has been that my childfree status is what connects me to someone initially and affords me the opportunity to find out what else we have in common.

We have a dynamic community of women here from all over the world and all walks of life – and with a broad range of interests. I urge you to use the common denominator to find friends with other interests – and avoid have that awkward “do you have kids” question.

On the main site you’ll already find writers, readers, gardeners, pet lovers, and cooks. You’ll find groups in Canada, California, and Texas, too. But is you’re interested in scuba diving, crafting, decorating, or belly dancing; entomology, etymology, archaeology, or theology; philanthropy, mythology, philately, or newts, start a group! Make a connection. Find something else to talk about. You may even find a new friend.