By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Over the past couple of months, it feels like childfree women have been stepping out of the shadows and speaking up—quite publicly. Several friends have asked me, “What do you think of all this?”
I think the question should be, “How do you feel?” and my answer would include: supported, acknowledged, comforted, encouraged, vindicated, empowered.
I applaud these women for making their—and our—voices heard. I am encouraged that, in doing so, they negate the shame so many of us have been forced to feel for our choices and/or our circumstances. I think, as a society, we are making good progress.
Here’s a sampling of some of the articles. If you have come across other good news, please share links in the Comments.
Jennifer Aniston on Pressure to Have Kids: “It’s rude, insulting, and ignorant”
I’m 40. I Don’t Want to Be a Mom. Now What?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Janet T says
Thank you for these articles. It’s so important that a mega star like Jennifer Aniston spoke out about this issue. Maybe that will help raise awareness among “ordinary” people that it is rude and insulting to ask questions or make assumptions about those of us with no children.
Frannie Paton says
I think it’s good that it’s coming up more in the media in a much more positive way, but I get annoyed and feel under-represented as there seems to be only two acceptable narratives. It’s ok to be childfree if you got caught up focusing on some fabulous career and it’s ok to be childfree if you are one of the women who has gone against the norm by accepting that she never really wanted children anyway and have fought for your right to have that choice. But I did want children, tried everything in my power to achieve it and grieved for a long time when I had to accept, for no Damn good reason why, that I probably wouldn’t. But I’m ok with that now, and welcoming a new way forward in life. But who out there is speaking to that story? You never hear women say, yes, I did want children, was broken-hearted when it didn’t happen, but learned to accept it and move on and this is what happened them in my life. Those are the stories I want to see.
Mali says
“supported, acknowledged, comforted, encouraged, vindicated, empowered” – what a perfect list, Kathleen. I too like seeing these conversations.
I think we’re all doing our bit – we might not get the high profile (though I’m thrilled to have my latest post featured on BlogHer right now that talks about how brokenhearted I was, but how life has turned out to be very good). And you and Lisa of course help a lot of women here feel supported, acknowledged, comforted, encouraged, vindicated, and empowered too. Thank you for that.
Klara says
“you never hear women say, yes, I did want children, was broken-hearted when it didn’t happen, but learned to accept it and move on and this is what happened them in my life. Those are the stories I want to see.”
I couldn’t agree more with Frannie!
Elena says
Same here!
It’s really important that childless women speak up in public.
But obviously only women who already have a public platform, i.e. are famous, get to do that. We end up with a narrative which was already there in the early 19th century! “Ok so you girls want to have careers? Go ahead, but you can’t be mothers or even wives at the same time. You’re probably all lesbians anyway”.
I know the individual women who made those statements don’t want to say that but repeating these as collections again and again leads to this outcome.
It is such a huge pressure one makes for oneself after accepting childlessness, that at least, there has to follow something totally amazing in my life. Being single, I don’t even have the option of constructing my identity as part of a “family of two” (or maybe including the pet). I am just after hearing that no, I didn’t get my dream job, after putting all this time and energy into the application and competition for it. And it’s not the first job application that results in a “nearly, but sorry, we decided for someone else in the end”. It nearly breaks me the way childlessness does and makes my life look empty and worthless. I try hard to find a purpose and a passion but my reality is it is 2mpm on a sunday afternoon and I am sitting on my couch in my pijamas looking around on my online dating platform to maybe at least find a shoulder to lean on if anything else is rubbish. I couldn’t be further from being Condoleezza Rice.
k says
I want to hear that too and more awareness that babies and pregnancy is not a comfortable subject for every woman to be asked about by strangers
Jane Pritchard says
Hi Frannie – I agree with you and feel under-represented. Every post; refreshing as it is to read; is about a choice to be childless, this is not the same as childless by circumstance or the result of endless fertility treatment that leaves more sadness and heartbreak. I really want to read about the recognition of those of us who endure years of struggling to become pregnant and still have to put on brave faces for everyone else when no-one gives a flying fig that we fight to focus on the positives in life every day that don’t include, child bearing, sleepless nights; toddler tantrums; birthday parties; first holidays, first days at school; ballet dancing, football training (i would take any and all of these) …………. I do my best to join in and not run away as I used to – it would be good though for someone (inlcuding my mother) to occasionaly say – how are you Jane – what’s going on in your life and actually wait and listen for an answer. sorry turned into a bit of a rant – unexpectly so – was feeling calm for the compassion and understanding I see here every week and realise I need it from friends and family and it will never come. thank you for this site. I guess we need to speak out more – its not easy, it hurts too much – I guess that’s why.
MC says
An excerpt from a longer blog post which is about being single but fits with many of these issues.
http://humandramathing.com/2014/12/06/what-my-single-friends-taught-me-about-love/
“It only occurred to me recently how much I have grown because of my single friends who turn their love and compassion outward instead of focusing it intensely on one other human being, as I and my husband instinctively do for each other. If it were just my husband and I, we would go on loving each other as spouses for forever, but it would be like two mirrors facing each other, an endless regression of reflections. This is a good thing, but a limited thing.
But the beautiful thing about love is that we almost always reflexively return it, and so these three single women are teaching me how to show deeply affirming love to friends and even not-yet friends. It has yet to become second nature to me, as it is to them, and so I know I have much to learn. They do not say nice things they do not mean. They scour others for the deep good within. These women do not worry about coming on too strong. They simply see value in a human being and say so.”