By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting. White, upper-middle-class, staunchly Republican. Parents still married to each other (for more than 50 years). Dad worked for the same company for 47 years; Mom stayed home to raise three all-American kids. Look at a snapshot of any holiday celebration, and you’ll see us gathered around the dining room table, with flowers from Mom’s garden in the centerpiece, a golden turkey nesting in a great-grandmother’s platter, and everyone dressed with a smile. Picture-perfect.
The flowers, turkey, and smiles are the same in contemporary photos, but we’ve added a few new players. My brother married his college sweetheart and they introduced four beautiful daughters. My sister went off to college and came home a Democrat. Then she went off to graduate school and finally figured out she was a lesbian. A few years later, she joined her partner in a commitment ceremony, and they welcomed two boys with contributions from a sperm donor, a “donor daddy.” I was the lone ranger for many years, the only single person at the table, till I met and married my husband in my mid-40s. He is African-American, and we are childfree.
While growing up and well into adulthood, I never imagined there was any other kind of family for me outside of the traditional model that raised me. I had every expectation that I would follow in my mother’s footsteps and create a home and family in her image. I held tightly to that illusion, through many unfulfilling relationships and socially awkward encounters (“Why aren’t you married?” “Don’t you like children?”). I think it’s a miracle that my “right” family was revealed to me and that I am able to embrace it.
I would argue that our society’s definition of a “traditional” family is flawed. Certainly census statistics show that single-parent homes, adults living alone, and mixed-race families are more the norm than marketing directors would have us believe. I look down our street here in San Francisco (and, admittedly, we are a liberal and open community), and I see this reflected back to me through our neighbors’ homes where multiple generations, languages, races, and genders commingle without special notice.
Here in the childfree community, we’re often made to feel that our families are “nontraditional,” which translates to “less than” or “incomplete.” This way of thinking is so judgmental, so hurtful, and so unnecessary. If you’re single, you can create your own family among close and supportive friends. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, you know that it takes only two to make your family. Other people expand their families to include caretaking of nieces and nephews, elderly relatives and friends, or beloved pets.
The “nontraditional” extended family I am part of today is a beautiful thing, defined by love, acceptance, and respect. In my own home, I feel blessed to be one of a family of two, which we augment by sharing our table with friends who have become family. This is my family, this is my new traditional, and I think it’s perfect.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Heather says
Thank you for this post. I always longed for the Norman Rockwell painting family ever since my own mom passed away when I was 11. I thought I would meet someone in college, get married, stay home and raise the 5 children I wanted. Instead, college was a struggle of trying to stay afloat despite severe depression among other family issues. Once I finally graduated, I left to live in another part of the country and I had fun for the first time since high school. I was hoping to meet someone there, but instead, I met life-long friends -both men and women. I moved back to the Midwest for a volunteer opportunity and 3 years later I met my now husband. We haven’t rebounded from an early miscarriage and I’m confident we won’t have children. I’m in the beginning stages of letting go of my dream of the traditional family with five children. I have an amazing, loving, loyal husband and I have wonderful friends all over the country. I have a nephew I adore, a Godson, and a step-niece I hope to one day be close to (she’s just one). I’m hoping to let go of my dream to discover even deeper dreams that I didn’t even know existed.
Thanks again for writing the post and helping me feel not so alone!
Lin says
Though I really and truly love my parents and my brother, I felt so ashamed about not, at the age of 35, having a “family” so that I said no to participating in an article in a magazine once.
They always wanted the “personal touch” and asked those questions about family, dreams, favorite food…
Even though that article would have been great marketing for the business I had then, I said no. I didn’t want to answer the family-question with “none”, “my cats and my dog” or “my parents and my brother”.
Sherry says
I did not have the Rockwell family but hoped that someday I would. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for me. My husband and I just celebrated 27 years of marriage, and even though we spend time with nieces and nephew, travel to places we would not be able to with children, I still feel incomplete. Although I know all the perfect pictures on Facebook don’t tell the whole story, I can’t bring myself to post pictures of just me and my husband. I still feel somewhat ashamed that I don’t have that ‘family’ photo to share.
Mali says
Sherry, I just want to send hugs. There is no reason to feel ashamed that you don’t have a family photo to share. Feel sad if you must (and there are always times when we will), but please, never feel ashamed. You did nothing you need to feel shame or guilt for. We know that. Sometimes though, it’s harder to feel it inside.
Holly says
I too have always dreamed of having the Norman Rockwell painting family since I was young and the oldest of 6 siblings however my parents bitterly divorced when I was in my late teens so I promised myself I would not intentionally bring children into this world until I was sure as I could be that I was in a secure healthy relationship…unfortunately that didn’t happen until I finally married a good man when I 40 (there is a lot of weirdos out there, sorry guys :). We tried and tried to get pregnant but were never able achieve it with unexplained infertility (which is so frustrating) but obviously it was a long shot at my age anyhow. Now at age 46, I am working at moving on and grieving the loss of my dream. I only recently have been able to refer to my husband, myself and our 4-legged critters as “our family” or “my family”. Honestly, it seemed quite silly and just didn’t feel right the first time I said it outloud since we aren’t considered a “traditional” family. However the more I thought about it I said to myself “Why not”….Why can’t I have my own family too? Just because we don’t have kids I still deserve to have my own family of whomever and how many it may consist of…husband, good friends, pets, etc. All of whom I now consider part of my “family”. My new normal family! It has helped me feel better as I continue adjusting to my NEW life without baby. I am so glad to have this site for support and comfort!!! Thank you!
Mali says
“The “nontraditional” extended family I am part of today is a beautiful thing, defined by love, acceptance, and respect.”
I really love this, Kathleen. It’s all we can do. And we see many “traditional” families (far more than anyone would ever admit to) that are defined only be genetics, with little or no love, acceptance, and respect.