This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is that old chestnut:
The baby shower!
A reader wrote:
I would like to know how others handle baby showers. I have vowed to not go to any more baby showers after leaving the last one in tears and disappointed in myself because I felt so strong before I went. Do others have emotional issues about other people’s baby showers or am I alone?
After assuring her that she definitely was not alone in feeling this way, I thought I’d turn the topic over to you.
Please whine, rant, empathize, and even advise on this most delicate of topics.
Mirjam says
You definetely are not alone feeling this way: the last time a friend of mine phoned to tell me she was pregnant I was in tears afterwards – feeling guilty for being jealous on the one hand and grieving over not being able to conceive on the other hand… I was able to congratulate her on being pregnant and burst into tears after hanging up the phone. I didn’t really keep in touch during the pregnancy – she let me know that the baby was born via text message: to give me space as well as the chance to react when I am ready to do so. I’m going to meet the baby girl next week and I don’t mind meeting her.
We don’t have baby showers in Germany and I wouldn’t go to one right now if we had them. The friends who matter know about my situation and I just assume that they would understand, the others are just not that important.
Nevertheless, I like giving a present to the baby and the mother.
Kara says
I don’t go any more. Period! When my younger SIL first baby shower came around, was when my husband found out we weren’t going to be able to have kids.
If they are a friend or family, I buy a gift and then give it to them privately. If they are church people or acquaintances I don’t bother. It is my way of protecting myself.
Rivqah says
It’s been several years since the last baby shower I attended, thankfully; I think the child in question is now in about the first grade. For me it’s not so much the focus on the expectant mama and the baby, and the wishing it would ever be my turn, though there are elements of that. I can set that aside and be “present’ because I care about the guest of honor. The worst of it is when it shifts into a meeting of the Mommy Club, everyone sharing their advice, birth stories, baby stories. That’s the point when it becomes clear that I no longer have anything to contribute to the conversation, that I obviously don’t belong there. And that’s when I tend to leave before it becomes a full-blown panic attack.
Irene says
I forgot about the mommy club .. that’s the worst .. ugh
Kate C. says
You are not alone in this! My last experience was much like Rivqan’s. The mommy-to-be asked me to sit next to her to help with the gifts. I’d like to think she was making an effort to include me (since she mostly knew my story), but then I was TRAPPED in hell for 3 hours (I wish that was an exaggeration). I had to listen to all the mommy stories, nodding like I understood their many trials through pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing. I had to ooh and ahh over all the gifts. I had to keep a smile on my face. I didn’t feel I could ditch my friend, so I stuck it out even though I wanted to die.
Since then, I don’t give baby showers invitations a second thought. I send a nice gift, I will be part of the child’s life, I will celebrate for the parents, but I will NOT endure another shower.
Irene says
I’m so sorry you went through that hell .. i could imagine being stuck in a circle .. i feel it in this whatsapp mommy’s group where i am now basically the only one who never got pregnant they talk about pregnancy and their kids every other minute .. i sometimes have to mute the group .. so i could imagine the pain and agony having to SIT in front of all of them and listen to their BS ugH!
Jennifer says
I don’t remember the last baby shower I’ve went to, of course when my sister has kids I’ll have to go to that shower. But if I can avoid them I do. If I’m close to the person I send a gift off their registry or gift card.
Irene says
It always seems to hurt more for me when the baby shower is for someone who is closer to you for example (a best friend, sis-in-law, sis etc) This whiney wednesday’s timing is appropriate because i actually have a baby shower to attend this saturday .. originally i was not going to go but figured i;l just go for the food and entertainment .. i know i sound ridiculous and i learned my lesson 2 years ago when i had to plan a baby shower for one of my best friends .. every detail of the planning reminded me of what i dont have) .. i say it’s better not to go probably and send a gift through mail, or another meeting .. if i went back in time i would make an excuse and not plan her shower .. i guess i was guilted to plan because she was one of the people who planned my bridal shower .. but i shouldve given an excuse.
Analia says
Just two weeks ago I refused to help planning a baby shower.
…my friend asked me to help her to prepare one, RIGHT AFTER our conversation about my inability to conceive. Painful.
BTW she never organized a birthday party for me…am I missing something here?
Praying for all of us
I would like to propose an idea: how about “Our Family Reunion”? (for lack of a better name?) Would you like to get together, maybe Friday night, Saturday and Sunday, middle of the country ? Any ideas? To meet each other, share stories, crying, laughing, eating, enjoying, etc. We can make room in our schedules ? I will !
Irene says
Hi Analia, I have been thinking about this too and would love to meet you all one day so we can share more in person .. i pray for all of you every chance i get including myself
Analia says
Irene; yay !!! Go Family Reunion !!!
Tina says
God. I just don’t do baby showers. They’ve never been a good experience for me. Its just too much pain involved, each one I’ve attended has been painful in some way.
The last one, I went with my mom. It was for one of her co-workers she begged me to go. I was uneasy about it but put that aside to accompany her.
I left in tears because this rude @$!#!. Asked “Do I have any kids then proceeds with ” yea they are nice they don’t care if you don’t have kids, they’ll invite you anyway” Then she just stares at me. It took everthing in me not to verbally defend myself and it wouldnt have been nice. I felt my. Self getting worked up. I didnt want to make it awkward for my mom, so I just left. I felt like who is she to judge me for being childless, this isnt her shower and where are your babies.
I was so upset. wasn’t even able to make it to the car before the tears ran down. I just bawled and bawled. It just hurt the whole thing.
One of the main things about being childless not by choice. Is having to constantly defend, explain, take all these rude/ignorant comments and insults. Be judged for something, that I had no control over. That is not Fair!
Showers are just something I’ll never enjoy. its just the realization that it will never be mine. Never be able choose a baby registry, plan the games, Decorate, make the invitations.. the favors, ,get showered with gifts. Most importantly I won’ t have the baby. Await for their arrival feel the kicks inside me. I’ll never enjoy them unless I’m the pregnant one, which is the absolute impossible.
Irene says
I am so sorry you had to deal with that ignorant piece of %@$%@.. “One of the main things about being childless not by choice. Is having to constantly defend, explain, take all these rude/ignorant comments and insults. Be judged for something, that I had no control over. That is not Fair!”
I agree with you here .. my biggest pain is dealing with everyone in society judging, questioning .. rude comments, uncomfortable questions .. hoping for the day they all will stop.
Brandi Lytle says
I’m so, so sorry that you had to experience that. People can be very thoughtless and unless you have gone through infertility, you just can’t fully grasp the pain it causes….
I cried when my cousin announced her pregnancy. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me for that. But it was my honest emotion. Now, I protect my heart and don’t attend showers. I’ve learned my limits and maintaining boundaries helps me stay focused on my blessings rather than thinking about what I can’t have.
Praying for you.
Kristine says
I just don’t go- period! It’s still way to painful for me to sit and “ohhh and ahhhh” over baby clothes and bottles that I will never ever have. – My sister was my egg-donor when I did IVF, so I will go to hers ( if that should ever happen, and I hope it day that it will!) but that would be the only one I would ever go to in this lifetime! — I’m very open about my childlessness and the 7 rounds of IVF that I went through, so people kinda know better than to ask me, or if they do I just flat out say no- no apologies!
Kristine says
Oops… and I hope one day it will… sorry for the typo… really tired!
Lisa says
I love that you just say no, good for you. People should know better and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Jane P (UK) says
Yes – love that you just say “no”. Same here (no showers since my early TTC years) – during my TTC days it was collections, getting everyone to sign a card and buying gifts and organizing flowers for people. After 13 years and a change in company I just stopped doing it. Someone said once ” shall we do a collection and card for “Neil’s” wife! I said – that’s a nice idea, I’m happy to contribute but I’ll leave you to arrange it “I don’t do Collections!”. In the company I work now they circulate collections and a card – depending how I feel, sometimes I cross my name off the list and I don’t put money in and sometimes I don’t sign the card! I feel better for it – it hurts and I feel that they have everything they can live without my good wishes – if they even notice!
Jules says
I haven t been invited to a baby shower thankfully.
My step daughters are all starting to have babies now but I think they realise that it would be too much for me.
I can oh so relate to the Mummy club though! When I get together with my girlfriends, I’m asked about my work and my husband but then there’s nothing else to talk about other than children which seems to be a never ending source of conversation. Even though I now have three step grand daughters (who I adore) I just can’t quite fit in.
I feel so incredibly lonely sitting there with my friends. It’s ridiculous really because I’m not alone but I find that I have become really introverted over the years now. I don’t feel that I have anything interesting to say anymore so I sit in silence, screaming in agony inside.
It means so much to have found this group and to hear that I am not going insane!
My step daughters Mum passed away several years ago when they were late teens and early twenties.
I feel that I can’t mention how I feel with them because they would say “at least you have your life”. It makes me feel so guilty when I avoid discussing their pregnancies. Don’t even get me started on the time of birth – I’m an absolute wreck!
I want them to understand that in fact we share the same grief – except I never got to meet my babies like they knew their mother.
We all grieve for what can never ever be changed.
I have been invited to another friends party in a couple of weeks. I will try to keep my chin up and not drink too much to dull the never ending pain in my chest.
Aileen says
I’m lucky baby showers aren’t a big thing in Ireland. I do think the sensible thing is just say you can’t attend and send card or gift, though sometimes even buying baby things is painful. But I agree with other writers it’s the mummy talk that excludes the childless by circumstance that cuts to the bone and the questions – do you have children?
Foxglove says
I’m at the point where my go-to response is to decline. If it’s in person I’ll put a smile on, and say something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry, I can’t attend, but I wish you a really fabulous day and congrats again!’. I say this sincerely but firmly, then I change the subject. I don’t really offer a reason.
I have learned that the only way to keep the joy and happiness in pursuing a childfree life is to put my emotional well being at a top priority above an obligation to attend a party. An invitation is not a summons, I try to keep that in mind whenever I receive one, I don’t have to attend if it is going to be detrimental to my healing or personal well-being. I hope that one day I may be at a place where I could go and come back unscathed, but I’m just not there yet.
Brandi Lytle says
I love that you put your “emotional well being as a top priority.” I had to learn that, too. It’s not selfish to protect our hearts. Dealing with infertility is extremely difficult, so we have to make sure to keep our hearts protected!
Mary says
Lisa can I modify my post or is it too late?
Lisa Manterfield says
Hi Mary,
I see your comment waiting for approval. Please let me know if you’d like me to release it or just delete it.
Thanks,
Lisa
mary says
Please delete it. I have copied it in a .txt file and will word it better when I have a moment later tonight. Thank you Lisa!
mary says
Lisa my comment is live. Can you delete it?
Lisa Manterfield says
Done.
Joy says
So glad i found this group. This is a very lonely place to be. In my mid forties, having spent my working life sitting through baby showers almost every year. At first its ok, because you think sometime soon will be your turn, then you realise that the new mums are getting younger, until their mums are your age. I sat through one painfully today, and its so good to read here that i need never put myself through this again.