I know I’m probably going to have to duck for cover with this week’s topic. We’ve all heard it and the sting never seems to diminish. So here we go:
“You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids.”
I’ll be behind the couch if you need me.
filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
~ "a raw, transparent account of the gut-wrenching journey of infertility."
~ "a welcome sanity check for women left to wonder how society became so fixated on motherhood."
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Kath says
I’ve got a phrase that’ll counter that and it’s as a parent you’ll never understand what it’s like to go through infertility.
Aileen says
Excellent thanks I’ll use that instead of quietly seething.
irene says
perfect!
Teresa says
Mine is similar and it stops them DEAD, I only use it when I’m in one of those funky I don’t give a shit moods. “And you will never know what it’s like to not have children” it cuts just as cold as their remark and they usually immediately apologize for their remark it quickly breaks the tension and it gives them a learning lesson in judging others and keeping certain thoughts to themselves.
Kath says
Good one, I want to know more responses like that for so many other things people say.
Sharilee says
Hi … new to the blog but couldn’t resist saying that that’s a perfect line. Said with dignity, it doesn’t even have to be snarky but merely truthful. Thanks.
Irene says
Oh haha! Have we all heard that phrase! recently someone said. “what do you know, you don’t have kids!”
Susan B. says
People with kids constantly talk about their kids. If Person A is having some kid issue that Person B has shared that they had with their kid, then there is no reason I cannot in turn share that info with Person A just because it isn’t based on my own child. If I am not capable of even understanding enough of what you share to share it elsewhere, then stop talking to me about your kid at all. You are obviously just wasting my time.
Foxglove says
To a certain point, I agree, I don’t have kids, I don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent. Doesn’t mean I’m a blithering idiot about the subject, but, I actually don’t know what it’s like to go through the experience of parenthood. I wouldn’t argue that.
What I argue isn’t against the basic truth of it, it’s that it is often used as an insult and as a blanket statement to completely obliterate any value or insight I have in general, or even as a person. It’s used so often to silence my voice, and the voice of the rest of us that it’s become the one statement I will actually confront someone over if out of context.
In the context of parenting, or responding to one’s experience of parenting, the response ‘You don’t understand you don’t have children’ although harsh,has an undeniable level of truth. I don’t have a first-hand understanding. Except for a majority of the time, this statement is used well beyond the borders of a parenting discussion. It’s used to tell me I don’t understand everything from what love is to how to go grocery shopping, and when that happens it’s nothing more than demeaning and rude. It serves no other value than to remind me I am not an equal, and should remember my place in society. You’re not a *real* adult capable of the spectrum of all human emotions and a basic understanding of the world until you have a child, how dare you speak!
It boggles my mind how often I hear it too, and the scope of superiority so many parents feel they have on subjects unrelated to parenting, simply because they have a child(ren): Love, selflessness, loyalty, worry, feeling tired etc. It’s enough to make my eyes permanently fixated in the eye-roll position.
The double standard of it all is that I can’t ‘understand’ so many things because I am not a parent, but parents often feel like they have some sort of insight and understanding into what infertility and being CNBC is like simply because they lived for a time without children. They tell us to relax, enjoy sleeping in and all the free time etc. The sheer fact that they can’t see past our surface ‘perks’ to the pain and reality of living in this family oriented society while longing for a child, doesn’t help the “we are automatically so wise and intuitive” argument one little bit.
Ok, rant over for now.
Irene says
Thank you for the beautifully written response, you brought to words what i am thinking .. just yesterday a well meaning friend told me “don’t think about it, relax and it’ll happen. enjoy your time with your husband and travel etc” but she really does not see the pain of living and being around everyone getting pregnant and having children while you are left behind .. longing everyday for that one miracle .. she will never see that loneliness .. i’ve had enough travel, relaxation with my husband .. of course we have been ready to welcome that child that never came into this universe .. not one positive pregancy test ever .. they will never know the feeling .. they will never understand either.
Irene says
beautifully written, exactly my thoughts put into words (i wrote a huge paragraph and it didnt post another your comment so this is a test
Tedious 1 says
My response? “You’re right, and yet you keep talking to me about these things. Either change the subject to one we *both* can participate in or I will bill you the standard counseling rate.” Seriously, what you say may be true, but why are you continuing to engage me into this? Start speaking a foreign language to them, since mutual respect and understanding is not on the cards here.
Irene says
good one and so true !!
robin says
There is SO much any person doesn’t understand about what another person might be feeling / doing / knowing / experiencing. No, people with no children won’t understand what it’s like to have children… People WITH children won’t understand infertility – even if they went THRU it, they are no longer IN it; their brain is changed. People with one child can’t know what it is to have multiple children. People who adopt can’t know what it is to carry a child within them. People with children who are healthy can’t know what it is to have children with with disabilities. Just like people with money and security can’t know what poverty is really like, people in the ethnic majority can’t know what it’s like to be a minority, men can’t know what it’s like to be a woman, people who have never flown in an airplane or hot air balloon can’t know what it’s like to be up in the air…
AND THAT’S OKAY. No one is omniscient! We are all made up of so many different experiences, we can’t know all the things we don’t have any opportunity to learn! We can imagine! We can suppose, and study, and even partake in shades of those experiences – walk a mile in someone else’s shoes; it doesn’t give the whole picture, but it sure gets one a mile closer to actual understanding! And that’s good! To aim for understanding is a wonderful thing!
And to use “you wouldn’t understand” to shut someone down is a poor, poor thing. As Foxglove points out, people can *wrongly* use the phrase to say “you wouldn’t understand __________” – fill in the blank, could be anything! They are using it to shut someone down, to raise up their own status. (Which ironically shows a lack of understanding what “understanding” means. Heck, understanding itself is variable!)
We all understand some things. We all don’t understand other things. We should all try to understand each other, as much as we’re able, and NOT make assumptions about WHAT any other person does or does not understand…
(At least, that’s how I understand it, to the best of my ability ;o) )
Madge says
Well given how messed up many kids end up these days it seems many parents don’t understand themselves the complicated lives of their children.
Marci says
I was watching an old MASH rerun the other day. The plot had BJ feeling sorry for himself because his wife is having to take a job and the affect it will have on his daughter and he lashes out at everyone when they try to console him.
In one scene, he tells Margaret “And you! Tell me you know what it feels like to have your child grow up without parents. What it feels like to even have a child.” Which is just nasty.
But she rips him a well deserved new one in response by saying “How *dare* you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else’s. That’s the only way you can justify treating us like dirt. Let me tell you something, sad sack, if the worst thing that’s happened to you is your pretty little wife has to help pay the bills for awhile, don’t come to me for sympathy. Maybe you *do* have the most to lose but that’s only because you *got* the most.”
I wanted to stand up and cheer for a fictional character on a 40 year old TV show. Things don’t change much though.
Jane P (UK) says
Thanks for sharing this Marci – I remember MASH from my childhood, I haven’t seen an episode for a long time. I loved reading Margaret’s reply (I could see her and hear her as I read!) – I just let out a little cheer in the very quiet office at work! My favorite line “How *dare* you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else’s”. Brilliant response. In reading these posts I’ve come to realise that these comments “you wouldn’t understand” and others like them are all based on the same fact – they generally come from selfish people.
robin says
Hear hear! I want to frame what she said and hang it in my brain for easy reference!
loribeth says
Margaret, of course, was unmarried for much of the series, then divorced, and childless. 😉
Anna Gish says
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so”.
Douglas Adams
In other words, I don’t have to *have* kids to learn from those who do. I have been a kid myself, I have had parents and seen what they went through, I have seen my friends’ parents, seen my friends and work colleagues become parents, and have stepped in to help them all out with their challenges. I have been exposed to all the same sources of learning as those who are parents and I know what it takes to be one, which is why I *suffer* from infertility instead of not caring about it.
robin says
Well said! both of you!