My friend was recently sideswiped by sadness. Like me, she’s been off the “baby train” for several years and has truly come to terms with the fact that she won’t have children.
Then she had a birthday and found herself totally sideswiped, caught off-guard by her grief, and in the kitchen having a meltdown.
What happened?
She’s not sure and neither was I. Maybe her birthday signified moving one step closer to menopause and the final loss of the possibility of motherhood. Maybe spending time with a friend’s son reminded her of the missing part of her life. Maybe she was feeling alone in her family-oriented community.
The point is that sometimes, even when we’re sure we have it together, even when we’ve done the grief work, even when we’ve cried an ocean and think there’s nothing left to resolve, sometimes we just get sideswiped.
Has this happened to you? What unexpected trigger has caught you off-guard?
Thanks Lisa – very timely post. I am here visiting LWB for the very reason I just got sideswiped. I have braced myself for photos of all kinds at work, due to the number of announcements etc. However, we (I) collate annually the Christmas highlights and I’m prepared for almost anything – except an announcement using what can only be photos from fertility treatment. I can’t cope with it – I don’t actually want to attend anymore ……… I’ve ordered coffee and mince pies for the event (my boss runs the department) of around 40 people, but I really don’t think I can sit through it knowing whats coming. Somehow I will have to be off sick – maybe email a colleague the set of slides……… Feel really crappy and sad and unbelievably heartbroken after doing so well these past 4 years……
Jane, that would undo me too. I would probably call in sick that day; to be honest I have called in sick for less than that. (I called in sick because of a certain bully at my office where I just couldn’t handle yet another holiday party dealing with this person and the mind games they play on me and others.) I encourage you to consider self-care. It’s ok to not be the strong one at all times, and let others pick up the slack, especially in the caustic landmine of office socialization. I’m so sorry you are put in this situation to begin with.
Thanks so much Mary for your support and kind words. I just posted again and didn’t see your reply. Your kind words and reassurance for self care have helped hugely. Thank you very much.
Thinking about it – i will just take a day’s leave, that way I can plan it and I won’t feel like I’m letting my boss down at the last minute. I can take care of everything, just not be part of it nor re-live my losses. Does the hurting ever end………. Hopefully I’ll feel differently tomorrow (at least I’ve been forewarned as such – I can choose to be there or not – just like this journey – feels like a crummy choice)!
You have done plenty! Take the day for yourself. There is no reason you have to go through this (again).
Does the hurting ever end? I don’t yet have an answer, but I’m hopeful that it will soften.
Sending you extra love, Jane. xoxo
Thanks so much Kathleen – I like your sentiments to my question – and yes I think it does soften. As always, the support here got me through.
Thanks everyone
Thank you Mary – I just posted again and didn’t see your reply. I’ve replied to your post but I think it is delayed in Spam. Just want to say thank you and your kind words mean a great deal and the reassurance that its OK to self care help so much. Thank you again.
Lisa, I’m sorry to hear of your friend being side-swiped. I think that is normal, especially in situations where there are no good answers. At least in my world, a good answer at least provides some closure. I have no closure concerning my inability to conceive, deliver and raise my own child(ren). 25+ years later and although the good days outnumber the bad days, the pain still surprises me at times. I recently had a small meltdown over my infertility with some basic disregard that my steps have toward me. Just a general lack of respect for basic communication. If I were their bio mom, they would never disregard me or disrespect me in that particular way. The tears started, hot and fierce, why will I never know that level of respect from bio children? If only they were my own bio kids, they would not pull that stuff on me, but I’m not, so I’m way down on their list. I move on. I forgive and do my best to let go. But it unexpectedly sneaked up on me, and threw me for a loop. I then spent the next few days pondering again on what I’m missing out not having adult kids of my own, the bonds, the memories, the respect, the love, the joys, the photographs, irritating folks by plastering my family’s picture(s) on FB and Christmas cards. That phase passed by me now and I’m back to something resembling normal, but I empathize with your friend. She is very much not alone.
ahhh yes, the old sideswipe….I think the last time was not the other night, surrounded by our friends’ kids (including one sweet new baby of 3 months that I only just met as we live far enough away that I could put it off till things were less new/raw) …But awhile back, sitting around with other friends with older kids, I just realized, ohhh, I could/should have some running around here…and I don’t ♀️. And I won’t. And DH is only JUST NOW, after 8 years, realizing that we blew it, HE needed to participate. So that makes me not sad as much as bitter. I have recently pointed out to him when he says “oh XYZ has a great job and a new baby/a family”, “well sweetie, they have the MOTIVATION (the kids = the motivation) to get one. I guess you don’t, and you won’t.” And that isn’t helpful, so I mostly STFU.
Thanksgiving. My siblings and their spouces sitting on one side of the big room, discussing raising children and me sitting BY MYSELF on the opposite side of the room. Why do I even bother going to these things any more? I’m not a part of this family. (and I was really looking forward to being with everyone for the holiday, so was totally smacked down when I ended up feeling totally alone — could have done that on my own at home)