By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
- This woman has no concept of what “oversharing” means.
- This man is a genius! He’s given himself the gift of perky breasts while managing to convince his wife that it’s a gift for her. Well played, sir, well played!
- Wait a minute…she gets babies and new breasts?! That is so unfair!
That last item got me thinking about some of the procedures I think I’ve earned for surviving this whole journey through childlessness-not-by-choice, such as:
- Under-eye bleaching – to remedy the dark circles I got from epic bouts of crying.
- Hair transplant – forget covering the gray, I’d like to replace it with, oh, hair like Blake Lively’s.
- Butt lift – hours of sitting around feeling sorry for myself has turned my derrière to mush. I could go to the gym, but I don’t wanna.
- Tummy fat suctioning – emotional eating? Check. I could go to the gym, but see that last bullet.
I realize all of the above could be “fixed” with a simple ol’ fashioned attitude adjustment. I’ll get around to that, eventually, but today it’s way more fun to imagine the procedures—quick, painless, and free, of course—that will whip me back into shape.
Wanna play? What imaginary procedures do you think you’ve earned? Go crazy and have fun!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.