By Maybe Lady Liz
At the tail end of a pretty stressful week at work, I picked up a call that I really should have let go to voicemail. It was a colleague – let’s call her Chelsea – at another university, wondering if I might be available to act as a panel speaker for a last-minute student event she was throwing that Saturday. Luckily, it coincided with my volunteer work at an animal shelter and I didn’t have to scramble for some bogus excuse. Chelsea then asked if my newly-married co-worker Evelyn might be available. I said I wasn’t sure of her weekend schedule on such short notice, and that’s when she dropped this little gem into the conversation about my boss:
“I’d really love to have Nancy there, but I know she’s got a toddler at home and I feel bad asking someone with kids to give up part of their weekend for work, so I thought I’d at least try you and Evelyn.”
What?
Did that really just happen? Stunned, I gave a polite laugh and said I understood as she went on to complain about missing her own daughter’s soccer game for the event. But you know what? I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how not having children of your own somehow makes your free time less valuable, open to being taken advantage of.
I don’t think Chelsea said what she said because she’s insensitive to those without children. The truth, I think, is a little more unsettling: that Chelsea saw me and Evelyn as those who didn’t have kids YET. Who would someday join the ranks of the protected, but needed to pay our dues now while we’re childless. Perhaps an okay system for those who DO go on to have kids and later reap the benefits, but what about those who choose not to? Or worse, those who desperately want to, but can’t?
The universal assumption that everyone will go on to become a parent can be a dangerous one for those of us who won’t, for whatever reason. It can mean, at times, that we’re paying into a system that’s distributing unequal rewards. And some of that is just life: unfair by nature, and often unchangeable. But it doesn’t do us much good to just come home and complain to our spouses or cats (or glass of wine) about it. I’m sure we’ve all done enough of that. Which is just one of the many reasons I’m glad there are sites like Life Without Baby that allow us to share our stories and connect with one another. The further along we can get in the conversation, the more likely we are to take it from the digital world out into the real world – with our friends, our family, our co-workers – and hopefully, someday, springboard towards real change in understanding that everyone’s life has equal value, regardless of how many tax dependents you claim. [Speaking of, does anyone know if the aforementioned cats count as dependents in the eyes of the IRS?]
Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.
This topic is near and dear to my heart. I was a lawyer in a law firm for 13 years and the entire time I was dumped on with the most difficult work, or projects that required work late into the night and on weekends because I didn’t have children. It was especially difficult time for me during the 5 years I was TTC while I watched the parents leave early for the children’s events. I left to work at a large corporation and while I was there I ran a conflict resolution course. I was given prepared factual scenarios to hand out and one involved a supervisor trying to pick a subordinate to stay late to finish a project among 2 people – one was single and habitually worked late because of it, and the other had children and needed to leave early every day for child care. I would like to think I sparked a frank discussion about the burden placed upon the single person and that the person with children had no entitlement to an accommodation. I saw it certainly opened some eyes and I hope supervisors left with greater awareness when delegating tasks.
You hit the nail on the head with this one: “Yet”. Parents involved in their own parenting life, often shutting out their childless friends to spend time with other parents, seem to grow blinders when it comes to the fact that not everyone can or will someday parent. And these blinders make them oblivious to the things they say and the impact they can have on others. I have been trying hard to practice not allowing what others say affect the way I think or feel. But what can I say, I haven’t quite mastered that YET.
I am reposting my late submission to whiny Wednesday here, because it was Liz’s post that got me thinking about it again:
I was not going to whine about this. So I skipped my own whine. But, Liz’s post today prompted me to come back to this page Thursday. I have a new little boy in my life, who is absolutely adorable! My cousin’s 3 year old who is now living with my parents, since my cousin and his wife just moved to the U.S. and are not settled yet. We were talking the other evening about how we had both gotten “childhood diseases” late in life, and she mentioned that she had gotten the mumps when she was 7 months pregnant. It was an extremely mild and shortly lived case, but her friend, who is a doctor, told her that the absolute worst that could happen is that her son would be sterile. I couldn’t say anything. My cousin’s husband reached for the little kid, picked him up and squeezed him and said, “Nah… He’s a Man.” So many emotions ran through me… concern for the little boy and hope that he would not have to go through the pain of infertility; a desire to tell the parents that even if this was the worst case situation, he would be alright; and then deeply disturbed by my cousin’s words. I know that in that moment, he simply meant to block out negative thoughts and worries, but… what came out of his mouth was so disturbing in so many ways. I wanted to tell him that being a man is not just about fathering children. I wanted to tell him, that if in that very mild possibility that his son would not be able to father biological children, that it would be very helpful to him if his father did not hold such attitudes. I wanted to tell him/them, that each human being is worth more than their ability to procreate. Guess this is why Liz’s spot Thursday got to me. Because I do think that parents view themselves as more important than the rest of us and that is really disturbing to me.
Iris,
That is disturbing. I have heard some men say similar things and it is such an archaeic view that is so hurtful and ignorant (no offense to your cousin). I guess it is too much to hope that people have evolved enough to know that just because one can create a child that is not what makes him a “man” (or her a “woman”). I for one know many who have created life and do not qualify as such. Just sayin’! 🙂
I work from my home and gladly take appointments when my clients find it most convenient. Sometimes it 6 or 7 o’clock in the evening. This is fine, I adjust my evening to my appointments. Oftentimes when people book the appointment they will seem apologetic about wanting those time slots.
“Do you have children you need to feed or get to bed?”
“No, 6:00 is just fine.”
“Are you sure, I don’t want to get in the way of your childrens dinnertime.”
“Well, I don’t have children so 6:00 is perfectly fine.”
“Great see you at 6:00.”
On one hand these people are being kind. On the other it’s presumptious for them to think that if I did have children, I’d be a bad mother by booking a business appointment during a perfectly acceptable time slot. As soon as I say that I don’t have children they seem relieved to not be taking my “precious” time. I’m mostly offended from a businesswoman point of view.
Oh the times I’ve made concession with friends. Maybe I’ll drive further to meet them at a “mutual” location because the “mutual” location is closer to the kid’s day care. Or I’ve scheduled one-on-ones with friends at inconvenient times (for me) because my friend can’t adjust a nap or won’t coordinate childcare. People have arrived late, without an apology. They HAVE children, of course I shouldn’t mind. When their kid behaves they want to hog all my time because “the baby is actually behaving and we can finally talk.”
Partly these issue are the drawbacks to having friends with children. I want to be understanding and accommodating and be a support system. And I do understand the demands of a parent. The problem arrives when it becomes habitual and careless.
When I worked a traditional job I feel I was laid off due to the fact I didn’t have children. My boss was on maternity leave so I worked the extra hours in our small department to cover the void. In fact I had to make the choice to drop my part time job in order to step up to the plate. I was recently divorced and needed the money so I was certainly happy to have the work. The boss returned and since I (and the third member of the department) kept the office running smoothly during her absence they determined that some was to be laid off. They weren’t going to lay off the boss. They did however lay off me. In the exit interview I shared with them my recent divorce and the fact that I had to quit the part time gig. I was not single and jobless. They seemed uncomfortable and admitted they were unaware of my situation. Leading me to believe that they assumed I was happily married and childless and me losing my job wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it would be to the third gal who had two children.
This really hits a nerve with me. As most of the women I work with are mothers and have every excuse in the book , it is extremely frustrating when you don’t have such an “excuse” why you can’t stay late or take part in some “outside of work” event. I suppose my time is less valuable than that of a mother. Now of course, not every one of these women uses their children as an excuse, but it does give them benefits and sympathy that those of us without do not get. Very frustrating!
This resonates with me as well – I am the one who has to do a 12-hour day twice a week because I don’t have children and my colleague does. I also can’t take annual leave at Easter, Christmas, half-term and have last pick of time off during the summer holidays. As my colleague’s youngest child has only just started school, I still have a lot of years like this to go…
I agree that its annoying that people treat my time as if it is more able to be taken advantage of. BUT.. I like to know that I’m more useful. I do things when I want to, and when someone needs me to be there, I can be. I stress that I am a more useful, available member of society than a mom with a toddler (at least nowadays). I am more free than a mom. period. And BOY do I like to FLAUNT it. However, the time when I really dislike is in the workplace when I”m scheduled forever and get no time to myself why parents get flextime. That is extremely annoying.