By Geneva Fox
I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately. I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions. Most of the time, I am fine with that. Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me. This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother.
Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children. My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?! You’re lucky you don’t have kids!” When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption. In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it. I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about. Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex husband? Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption? These are the answers that I have come up with:
1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was.
2) My ex husband was my first love. I believe in true love. I wanted to believe he would change if I did. That was a huge mistake.
3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in. I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like every one else. I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly. Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless. I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double-wide trailer that is in need of many repairs. I own a business. I am a full time college student. From an outsider’s point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim. It does not fit.
This is my truth: I am happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin. On most days I have a great deal of serenity. I don’t worry about my future. I no longer stress about my finances. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside. I do not doubt that I deserve the best. I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships everyday. I am kind. I enjoy living immensely!
In regards to fitting in, As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “The road most traveled is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us. If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!
Geneva Fox is embracing her childfree status. She is a business owner, full time college student, and writer. She leads a beautiful life with her boyfriend, family, and friends in Ruckersville, VA. Her blog, “A Beautiful Life” is at GenevaFox.wordpress.com
Geneva, I am also 44, my dh is 14 years older, and in many, many ways, I could have written this post, even your blog “a beautiful life” was a name I had contemplated for my own (which I have yet to start). I think about what you have written a lot! Lately, by which I really mean, this year, I have had more good days than bad. I feel happier about my life, on a day to day, moment to moment basis, than I have in a very long time. I worry less about the future. I actually sleep now. And like you, I know that from the outside looking in, my life in many ways does not reflect the “happily ever after fairytale paradigm”. But the one I’m creating –making a real effort to catch up with old friend and nourishing new friendships, tending to my garden and spending time in nature, caring for my family, reading everything good I can get my hands on, and dabbling more seriously in writing– is pretty good. I still fall into the “what ifs”, but much less than I used to.
I can relate to a lot of what you say. When I was in my 20s, I stayed far too long in a very bad abusive relationship because I felt a lot of pressure from my mother to get married, have children and fit in with the rest of our family — and this guy was the only one willing to marry me. I am so glad I never married or had children with that person. When I met my husband we got married when I was 35, and I felt so blessed and happy just to have him in my life. Then we tried to have children and I lost sight of all the good I had, and it was a real struggle to fight our way back. I’m so grateful that we survived it and are back to a happy place. I try to practice every day feeling grateful and appreciating what I have, rather than focusing on what I want.
After reading your post, I can see a possible reason why I still struggle so much to accept my childless status. For me my primary desire to have children came from the deep urge in my soul to be a mother. There are many things that make me sorrowful. Things such as pregnancy belly shoots, baby wearing posts/info, thinking about breastfeeding etc. In my mind these are all part and parcel of what I visualized would/could occur during the motherhood process. So I mourn these things very deeply. I am still struggling to find my way forward into a place of acceptance.
I can relate. I think at least part of my desire to be a mother was that I never felt completely “normal” or that I fit in — growing up, I was always the new girl in town, the “brain” & the klutz at schools where sports ruled everything, and even as an adult, I was the lone “mangiacake” to marry into an Italian family (and still am, on the one side). Having a baby was one “normal” thing I figured I could do… but apparently not. :p I guess in one way I am used to being a bit of an oddball or outlier, and of course, the older you get the more you realize that everyone feels “abnormal” in some respect… but motherhood is the one thing that most women take as a given, or at least as something that will be theirs, if they so choose. It’s a rude awakening when that turns out not to be the case.
I love “your truth.” That is a very powerful thing. I’m off to add your blog to my list.