Courtesy Hasbro Games
I’ve been taking a fantastic creative writing class at UCLA Extension. Each week, we start off with a writing exercise from a choice of prompts, and last week, one of the prompts was, “I’m tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect.” I almost took the prompt.
It’s not hard to write about the part of my life that is so obviously imperfect: the fact that I wasn’t able to have children. I could (and do) write about that broken bit. But if I took my life apart, I’d find lots of areas that aren’t perfect. Isn’t every life like that? Everyone has challenges, and life would probably be dull without them. But part of the thrill of living is overcoming life’s challenges. Without the obstacles there’s no glory of victory.
My life is flawed in many ways, as all lives are, but it’s also a good and happy life, and on the whole it’s pretty close to perfect. And it’s hard work to keep clinging to the idea that it isn’t. It’s tiring to keep feeling bad about the parts of my life that didn’t work out as planned.
I didn’t get to have children, and it’s true that, for a long period of time, it made my life feel empty and deeply flawed. But that changed over time. I worked to overcome that flaw, to seek and take advantage of the silver linings, to work through my sadness—by writing, in my case—by gathering this community and sharing our stories. My marriage made it through infertility. That’s a victory in itself. And while there are still many challenges in my life, few of them are related to my childlessness anymore.
So, yes, I am a flawed human, with challenges to face, but I no longer wish to pretend my life isn’t perfect, just as it is, warts and all.
(And by the way, I didn’t take the prompt because there was another that sparked an idea. I’m glad I took that one instead, because that exercise turned into short story instead.)
I had a tough day at work today (I will wait with whining until Wednesday).
But this title: “I’m tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect” made me smile, it really made my day. Wonderful idea!
Well written, I hope to feel the same thing as you do someday soon, focus on something else but the childlessness….
That’s it exactly. Our lives aren’t perfect, but I’ve yet to meet anyone whose life is perfect. And anyway, how boring that would be. I mean, what is there to look forward to if your life is perfect?
Oh how I love this, as I know exactly the brutal and yet amazing journey of the work of our recovery after accepting a childfree life. Thank you for this! Justine
This blog post really spoke to me.
True, something is missing from my life and that is why I visit this blog. If I’m feeling a little sad, reading or sharing a story helps. However, I really do enjoy my life, warts and all.
Do I feel sad that I don’t have a child? Yes. Would I trade my childless life for the life of a woman I know. She’s a single mother who divorced her first abusive husband only to remarry and become a widow with five children when her troubled second husband passed away in a freak heart attack? Five beautiful children and two sets of in-laws (not great ones either) without the benefit of a husband. No thanks.
My life has it’s own set of challenges that have nothing to do with being childless. But I’ve made me peace with my life and I work hard to cultivate ways to enjoy it. Last night, curled up on the couch I was struck with a chord of being happy – for no real reason. Just happy.
So while it’s great to let off steam here from time to time, being childless is only a small part of me. TO ME, it’s like someone who loses a limb in an accident. That wasn’t part of their life plan. Now that person has to figure out a way to enjoy their otherwise grand life without their limb, which they had always assumed would be available to them.
I remember watching the news after the earthquake in Haiti. A young lady lost one (or both) legs. But in her interview she was calm, grateful and entirely happy that she ONLY lost her leg. She could have died or been injured much more. I’m sure she isn’t that happy each and every day as she learns ways to cope with her situation. But it’s all about perspective. From my personal perspective I’m blessed with good health, a fabulous family and many great things.
I’m sad life didn’t deliver a bouncing baby. But when I think of the horrors of the world and health crisis of others – I feel blessed, just as I am. I know people feel so sorry for me but I wish they wouldn’t.