As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Gwen*, now 44, has endured a rough journey of loss and infertility treatments, but she still hopes for a miracle. Like many of us, she dances around the pros and cons of being childfree as she considers what her Plan B might look like. Do you see yourself in her story? If so, take a moment to reach out to her in the Comments.
LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.
Gwen: I told myself that if it didn’t happen by 36 I would not pursue it. It wasn’t until I was 39 and reconnected with an old flame—who I eventually married—that I wanted to try for a family. My husband had been a victim of parental alienation for over a decade, has had no connection with his own children for over eight years, and it was very important for me to be able give him a child we could raise together in a very loving family.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Gwen: It was by choice until the age of 39. Then, after three years of trying and having over a dozen conceptions/zero pregnancies/one early miscarriage, I sought infertility treatment. Two failed IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycles into two failed IUI (intrauterine insemination) converts; the doctors could do nothing for me. We can’t afford and are not morally on board with egg donorship. We are too old to adopt a young child, and I do not to want to put myself or my husband through the grueling process of rejection through adoption.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now? (For example: still in denial, angry, hoping for a miracle, depressed, crawling toward acceptance, embracing Plan B, all of the above.)
Gwen: All of the above. I still hope every month, still time intercourse for a possible miracle while fully knowing the eggs are bad and the outcome will most likely never change. Just this month we had a conception that failed. I now joke that my uterus is made of Teflon.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Gwen: Feeling like a social outcast. I just cannot get past that one. I’ve never followed the status quo my entire life, was a “late bloomer” with all things social growing up, and became a statistic as a child of divorce and divorced twice over myself. So giving up the battle and becoming yet another statistic is the hardest part for me. “Everyone else can have a child, why not me?” is what goes through my head every day.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Gwen: Not having to dedicate the next 18 years to being responsible for another human being. I can continue to “do my thing”, come and go as I please, work on my crafts whenever I want, enjoy life on my terms, and not lie in wait for what my offspring needs right now. Oh, and being able to get a full night’s sleep every night. That’s a biggie.
LWB: What’s your Plan B?
Gwen: As I am just coming to terms with being childfree forever, I guess it is wait and see. After three years of marriage we could apply to be a licensed foster home and hope to find an older child who will fit into our life. But that is another year waiting, and my thoughts on adoption might change by then. I’ll leave that in God’s hands.
*To protect respondents’ privacy, we allow each to choose a name for her profile. It may or may not be fictitious.
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Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
ChrisP says
I can relate to Gwen’s story as it is almost exactly the same as mine. Mostly I am OK with plan B as living child free by circumstance yet the grief around my miscarriages, failed fertility treatments and early menopause still is with me. My heart goes out to Gwen in empathy and understanding. Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate this blog series of our stories
Supersassy says
I can relate to some of Gwen’s story, the medical issues and infertilty. By the time I had gotten to fertiltiy issues it had been after 5 years at multiple doctors who could not tell what was wrong with me. I had very little patience by the time we got there for going the extra mile. Whatever we tried at the fertility Dr. My body did the opposite. We tried private adoption but ended up being home a infant for a week and the birth mother changed her mind and we chose to surrender the child. I empathize with the feeling like a social outcast,and feeling different from other women. But we finally decided that there has been enough emotional trauma , related to this pursuit, and we finally said enough. I am nt always comfortable with this, but trying to accept and being grateful for a wonderful husband. My heart goes out to you Gwen.
Klara says
dear Gwen,
thank you for sharing your story.
I am wishing you all the best.
moderndaysarah says
Dear Gwen,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’ve noticed that sometimes it doesn’t matter our age or how long we’ve been trying…it is still hard to face infertility and all of its challenges. I’m definitely with you in knowing how hard it is to still hope month after month that it will happen, even knowing the chances would be astronomical of a natural conception. I wish you the best!
Yan says
I think that dealing with thoughts about how I got into this situation and how I could become a mom makes me really unhappy.
I married in love with a man that had two kids and a vasectomy during his previous marriage. My first marriage w no kids 14 years younger. At age 35 we were able to afford the vasectomy reversal and then was when all went to hill- it was to late to make a sucessfull reversal. So we had a failed IVF- that we could Beverly afford and that we are still paying.
Challenges: I live in a state that I don’t have family- just my husband and my mother who lives w me not by choice. So I can’t take care of or share time w my nieces that are like 13 – yeah every one had at least two kids in my family.
I am active member of a church that is in a med size church that most of the things are related to kids and teens.
I work from home – to much time with my self
I can’t afford another Ivf – I tried foster- adoption very expensive
I feel tired, frustrated, angry, understood, no were to run, no where to ask for money, no were in my family to find support because they have there owns obligations and lives.
At this point to many financial commitments to move to another state right now, I am 38 and he 51 – the hard part I love him but I am angry w him and my self.
And really no plan b – I don’t like the idea o being a woman w out a baby or kid to love and, caring him and taking care of him , I want that in a healthy way- but because I’m writing in this blog I fill I am not healthy – I am fighting depression by my self , but I am tired and I wish some leave a baby at my door or God provided me a creative miracle to get $20,000 for adoption or another IVF or even get pregnant by my husband-
Any ways one more for the estadia tics of being ingenue and stupid- only this time I had to paid a very hi price