By Lisa Manterfield
If you’ve been hanging around the childless-not-by-choice community for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly come across the wonderful Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos. Author of the groundbreaking book Silent Sorority, Pamela has long been a steady and articulate voice for our community.
More recently, she’s turned her attention and her voice to the fertility industry. After the recent announcements from both Apple and Facebook that they would include egg-freezing coverage as part of their employee benefit packages, Pamela wrote articles for two renowned publications on the realities of that procedure. You can read what she has to say in Fortune and Wired.
As always, when I hear first-hand accounts and well-researched data on fertility treatments, I find the statistics shocking, sobering, and infuriating. I think about all the people who told me to “just do IVF”, often based on nothing more than the fact that such-and-such celebrity had done it and had been successful, but with no knowledge of what the procedure actually involves, what the odds of success might be, or whether it was even a viable option for my situation (which it wasn’t).
Even the medical professionals I met during my journey offered little in-depth information about what was ahead for me. My first experience was an almost flippant referral from a primary care physician, basically “Go see this guy. He’ll get you pregnant.” And my first visit to a fertility clinic involved a calendar of procedures and a chart of costs, with no discussion about the physical or psychological effects of what I was about to go through, or honest and realistic statistics of what the chances of success really were.
I’ll admit I was naïve going in, but I don’t consider myself to be an ignorant person. I did my research, but I still wasn’t prepared. I was given glossy brochures filled with terms I didn’t understand and procedures that seemed more invasive than what I felt I needed. And they all included pictures of adorable babies and joyous parents, but never hard information—the kind I needed to make a life-changing decision. I received a stellar sales pitch, but never felt guided by a trusted professional who had my welfare and best interests at heart. Even though I’m wiser now, I continue to be educated by people like Pamela.
If you’ve been through fertility treatments, how do you feel about the process? Has your view changed? Do you feel you went in prepared? What do you think should change for women facing this in the future?
Please leave your comments below and also consider stopping by Pamela’s blog to offer support for the work she’s doing.
Maria says
How did I feel about the process? I didn’t like it one bit. The doctors hold all the information and hand it out in bits and pieces. My first doctor sent me for a blood test, confirmed I was ovulating and told me to keep trying. I went to him 4 times in a year and he kept reassuring me I would get pregnant. A wealthy friend gave me the name of a doctor who did not accept insurance and had gotten all her wealthy friends pregnant and suggested I see him. Again, tests were doled out individually to confirm this or that and when he finally found something wrong, believed that was the cause. I was referred to a surgeon who suggested one more test and he found something else was wrong with my egg quality. It was a rollercoaster ride from hell.
Has my view changed? No, I hear many women go through the same or worse because infertility treatment has become such a huge money maker. I feel drs hold back information to keep you coming back for more. I feel these doctors are following the same business plan followed by casinos and bookmakers.
Did I feel I went in prepared? No. When I was trying, the internet and e-mail were relatively new things. I think now women can do a lot more prep work on their own before their first doctor’s visit, armed with their own questions.
What do I think should change for women facing this in the future? I have reached the point where I think women should be more realistic about the aging process. Having said that, I just saw on Facebook that a friend of mine had a baby at 50 years old. I saw her in 2012 and she was crying over her infertility woes at 48. I was at the stage where I was trying to accept and move on, and gave her advice from that point of view. She apparently disregarded what I said and kept trying and now has a miracle baby. When I hear someone her age with her problems has a miracle baby, I just don’t know what to think anymore. It certainly challenges the acceptance I have gained for my own place in this life.
Elena says
my GP told me one of her patients had a “miracle baby” at age 53, totally unexpectedly, no treatements involved. Miracle babies are just that. Some people win the lottery, some have a baby over 50. Most don’t.
Pamela says
Many thanks, Lisa, for the kind words and links. With so much money being made and no industry regulations or consumer protections, we are often left to our own devices. That’s why your site — with women helping women by sharing hard won lessons and experience –becomes all the more valuable.
Margy says
How I feel about the process in hindsight is very different from how I felt about the process in the beginning. Doctors give you so much hope. I tried for years with nothing but Follistim, and after switching doctors found that I had probably never ovulated. Why my first doctor let me go on believing I could get pregnant when I could not produce one egg on the highest dosage of medication….well money is the only answer I can come up with. Once I switched to donor eggs I was led to believe that getting pregnant was a certainty. Three years later, I remain childless.
Women are so unprepared when entering in the world of infertility treatments. Even if you do your research, which I did, you can only be so knowledgeable, and you have to place some sort of trust in your doctor. And this can get you into trouble. Why? Well unfortunately infertility has become a money making business. And I do believe that most doctors will keep you coming back when, in reality, it might be time for you to throw in the towel.
I no longer see infertility treatments as the solution. For some people, it works. Lucky them. But I wish I had entered into this process with a more realistic outlook, knowing that the possibility existed to fail.
I see so many women blindly trusting in the first doctor they see. Research, research, research. Talk to women who have been through it. Demand tests. Don’t invest all of your money without having knowledge. And don’t believe that all of these women who are having babies in their 40s are doing it naturally. I see so many people who think just because someone else did it, so can they. You don’t know their circumstances. You don’t know what drugs, donors, assistance they used. Age DOES matter.
Pamela says
Could not agree more, Margy. Thank you for sharing your story.
Amanda says
After trying clomid and going through many tests, I was ready to try IVF. I already was tired of the tests and the clomid side effects. but I wanted a child so bad I kept on going with doctor’s visits and was told I would be a good candidate for IVF.
All my doctor gave me about the procedure was a one sheet document that gave the low probability, by age, of getting pregnant with IFV. I learned nothing about how painful it would be and didn’t really think about the “what if I don’t get pregnant?” part.
My husband left me right before we were going to do the IVF so that stopped me doing IVF and stopped my three years of desperate attempts to get pregnant. The divorce was a major surprise to me. I had no idea he was about to leave we when he did. So there was grief of the infertility and loss of a marriage to manage.
Three more years have passed now and during this time I read Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos book. It was such an eye opener to me of many parts of IVF that my doctor didn’t mention when I was getting ready to start the process. After learning more, I am stunned how much I was NOT being prepared for the procedure.
I am so grateful for this blog and the book Silent Sorority for helping me to work through the grief and know that I am not alone dealing with all of this. It is so hard when people just flippantly say “just do IVF” or “just adopt” when they have no idea what those things involve.
Margy says
I agree Amanda…it’s amazing the people who say “why don’t you just adopt?” Like hey, no biggie. They have no idea. No idea at all.
Pamela says
Wishing all the best to you, Amanda, and to all the warm and generous women who participate and share here. xo
Gina says
I just found this site. So I’m a little late to the discussion.
My situation is different. I ovulate like clockwork. My hubby is a CF carrier. He can produce a very miniscule amount of sperm, but they are immobile. So he isn’t missing the vas deferens completely. We did full IVF/ICSI on the first try. We got 4 strong embryos, put 2 in. Miscarried right away at 6 weeks, but I was pregnant w/hormone counts and all.
How do I feel about it? My dr got to the root cause of my hubby’s CAVD in about 3 appts. From start to finish it took 1 year from the 1st appt to transfer. Why so long? Money. We did payments and such. I feel I didn’t have the patience to wait. Then for what? A small chance? I knew the statistics overall on ICSI. But for our situation, I feel the dr was way more optimistic compared to what our chances were.
We did a frozen transfer months later. It didn’t take. After that I was emotionally, mentally, financially drained. A month later I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’m now working on that w/meds and therapy.
Will I do it again? A lot of times in my head it’s a resounding NO! The sliver of a yes is b/c the dr offered another chance at a very low price saying he believed it would happen. My fear is he’s a salesman and says that just to close the deal. And now w/the anxiety, I’m not sure I’m strong enough.
I know someone who did it 7 times!! Had to grow eggs every year for 7 yrs. There was never anything frozen/leftover. I feel weak b/c of her. Like I broke down easily. My fear is lonliness in old age. What will we do when we need someone? That’s what I’m battling.
Jayne says
I went through IVF this past November. I really didn’t want to do it in the first place, seeing as I am not a fan of taking medication when you are not sick. And infertility is not a disease! It is an unfortunate circumstance, but it’s not a sickness. I did it for my husband, to at least say I tried. Did it work? Of course not! Like most women it takes more than one try. But at least now my family and husband realize how hard it is and it’s not a guarantee. At least it was paid for by the government in my province, because it i had spent all that money for nothing I would’ve been really mad. Am I still upset and hurt that I csnt have a family, damn straight! But will this one set back destroy me? No, there is more to life than being a parent and I plan to live my life to the fullest!