By Lisa Manterfield
During my years of trying to conceive, I worked in the corporate world. I managed a department of about eight people. When I first took the position, only one member of my staff had children. By the end of two years, only two of us remained childless. I had three pregnant women in my department at one point, and every new announcement was followed by “It’s your turn next.” Of course, my turn never came.
There are so many challenges in the workplace when you don’t have children. There are cubicles festooned with photos of children, lunch groups dominated by kid talk, and family-oriented company picnics. There’s also the challenge of some parents using their parental responsibilities as an excuse to bend the rules and not pull their weight. And, of course, there are the inevitable pregnancy announcements and subsequent baby showers.
What are some of the workplace challenges you face and how have you found ways to navigate them?
If I was given a dollar each time that I heard “It’s your turn next”, I would be rich now.
There are no words to describe how much I hate this phrase. And how much it hurts every time I hear it.
I am still struggling to find my ways to navigate. It gets easier as years are passing by, but it is not easy.
kind regards from Europe,
Klara
I know I hate that phrase your time will come as sadly for some poor people it never does and that hurts as you are frightened that maybe you will be one of the poor sods who’s turn never comes and when that’s shoved in your face its like salt poured into a wound as in this life sadly nothing is guaranteed to anyone and its the unfairness of it all that causes the upset in my view.
I have a relatively young team with two newly weds, so I definitely know it’s coming…
To be honest I’ve perpetuated a myth that I never wanted kids and the subject bores me. This has served me well with my staff knowing that I’ll never join in a conversation about kids. However, I’ve yet to have to deal with the pregnancy announcements and that is going to be tough.
Part of me is thinking of just being honest and saying why I can’t join in that conversation, but then what if the mask slips..? The other part of me secretly hopes that they get moved off my team before any baby news, but it doesn’t seem likely though 🙁
Like Sarah, I cultivated the myth that I wasn’t interested in kids. It stopped people nagging at me before I was ready, and was there as a protection when I was going through IF and loss. I was in a highly male-dominated company by then, and was glad for the fact they didn’t know I was trying to have children. Though I still had two men say to me, “you need to go and have babies!” I bet they never said that to my older male colleague who also didn’t have children.
I’ve also had to work with a colleague who became a grandfather. Fortunately, by this time, I was only contracting back to the company occasionally, because his cubicle was covered with photos, his grandchild was his screensaver, and he went on and on about the child. Finally – as I knew him quite well – I said, jokingly, “oh yes, you’re one of THOSE grandfathers, who are so proud and doting that you never shut up about the grandchild, aren’t you? Good thing I left!” He actually got the hint. And I didn’t feel mean at all, because I’d already said all the right things.
I have stopped counting how many coworkers became pregnant and had kids. At first, I thought I would be next….until I wasn’t. The hardest time I had was when a coworker who went through IVF the same time as I did got pregnant and I did not. That hit me the hardest ..why should she get to succeed and I don’t? She smokes…drinks and is not a responsible person, but she got pregnant and I did not. She wound up taking 10 months off while she was pregnant and for maternity leave and I had to pick up her workload and pull 50-60 hour weeks while she had baby shower after baby shower to gloat over. I ultimately changed my work schedule to work part time and opposite days of her when she returned.
Its not fair is it when someone else gets what you feel you should have had that you really wanted for you but lost out on and its always the way after a loss the thing you lost out on is shoved in your face at every turn if that’s right.
Here is how I navigated the workplace when I was going through infertility. When we were trying, I didn’t go out to lunch or hang out with the women with children or who were pregnant. I spent time with my male colleagues or women without children, single women without children, or older women. If there were baby showers in the office, I would give money but I wouldn’t go to the shower, I would schedule events out of the office that day. If someone showed up on pregnancy leave to show off the baby, I would act busy, say I was crushed with a deadline and say a quick hello or claim to be coming down with something so they would accept my decline to not hold the baby. I am currently working with a group of older people who focus more on their work than family so there is a lot less pressure to avoid these type of situations.
It really hurts doesn’t it when you see others with things you feel you should have had but lost out on and you feel burning envy feeling like its not fair why them and not me and its the unfairness of it all that hurts the most. I don’t mind the people who are nice that talk about their babies. Its the spiteful ones I don’t like that get on my nerves!
There is another nurse that I work with who is having a hard time with this, too. It comforts me to know I’m not alone, but I have reached a point with comments that I will just be honest. “It’s your turn next.” “Just go sit in the pharmacists chair, it worked for everyone else.” and “You just haven’t tried everything yet. So and so was successful with such and such.” I will flat out say that I can’t have kids, that I can’t afford the thousands of dollars for IVF, etc. It has eliminated comments from almost everyone. I don’t care anymore if I offend because I was offended. Everyone has kids or is pregnant and I have to try really hard every day to not be overly jealous and sad.
Its shitty isn’t it the way it seems so easy for others and not for you something as natural as having a baby and the your time will come comments get on my nerves as well as there’s no guarantees in life for anyone and why should that be any different but its the unfairness of it all that causes the envy as you think why them and not me why do they deserve a baby and I don’t as life is unfair.
This has been one of the hardest things – for me , like Maria – I found the only way to deal with it was to quickly move the conversation on or remove myself from situations. The very sad fact is that even if you are honest with people (as I have been brave a couple of times) – people actually forget and still ramble on about the photos, cuteness, blah blah. Its only now – that I have truly ended my IVF journey and have spent the last year fully getting my head around the fact that it is over, that I can feel the pain of the announcement – breath through it with “we did everything we could”, I say to myself “step aside and wish her well”, this is my life and my future is now. It will not destroy me or what I have that is good in my life. It is very very difficult. A year ago – I got as far as “we did everything we could” a muttered “congratulations” and a quick escape to the loo to cry. The grief and loss has to be greived and I find in some ways I grieve in small ways every day, the low feeling is more fleeting however and tears have not swept over me for periods of a number of weeks – it used to be daily and almost hourly. Being at work under the pressures of IVF treatment and the aftermath of failed treatment is unbelievably hard. I give myself a pat on the back alot for holding down a job – not shouting at any of my colleagues and only having a complete melt down twice (once at the Swindon EPU and once at the Bristol IVF clinic) – the latter was 15 years overdue. We are brave women, dealing with sadness that our friends and family can never fully understand. Thank you for this site – I no longer feel angry at family, friends or work colleagues – they cannot possibly understand. This is where we hear the kindness and understanding we need to heal.