Most people in my life were supportive when I told them about my decision to end my quest for motherhood. But a couple didn’t want me to quit. They kept offering unsolicited advice and stories of other people’s miracles, when what I really needed from them was a kind and understanding word.
So this week’s whine topic is:
People who won’t let you quit
Happy whining!
Totally get this…sometimes you just don’t need to hear it even though they mean well. It makes it harder letting go x
It can be really frustrating when you are trying to move forward and people keep holding you back with their unsolicited advice and comments. Most of them mean well, but it opens up the wound again for us. By hearing more of the same old “miracle” stories, it can make you feel like ‘what’s wrong with me that I can’t be one of those miracle stories?’ After fibroid surgery a few years ago, I was getting those hopeful comments and stories from several people at work. It was a little upsetting at the time. Fortunately, these days, I don’t really pay it much mind, but it’s still annoying.
The thing is with advice is that its entirely your decision whether you take it or not or say to the offenders thanks for the advice but I would rather handle this my own way as no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do!
I know what you mean. I can remember saying I was giving up on dating and kept getting told I couldn’t give up which I didn’t find to be very supportive of my decision but I stuck to my decision as if you are happy with your choice it shouldn’t matter what others think as they cant physically make someone else do something that they don’t want to do. I had been like there’s nothing they can do except whine and complain about my decision as no one is going to come into my apartment to physically get me and force me to do things I don’t want to do are they and they can only not let you quit if you co operate and let them.
I hate the miracle stories too. When I was in my 30s, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of a miracle, it made me lose my faith, and then I felt lost and alone for a long time. Not anymore, but back then, yes very much. I had a friend lucky enough to conceive through IVF and a donor egg (on her first try) and deliver a premature baby at 45 who is now very healthy. She pushed me to not give up and try again when I was almost 49. The fact that I had to defend myself and my choices when I’m almost 50 made me think how irrational fertility treatment has become. Other than this one person who was lucky to receive her “miracle,” I thankfully don’t encounter these comments anymore but if I did, they would not hurt me now.
“It will happen when you least expect it…maybe you just don’t want it badly enough…have you prayed about it?” OMG, my blood is starting to boil. So not helping!
I hate those as well and they should shut up and butt out in my opinion unless you have asked for help yourself. Just relax I think is a stupid thing to say to an infertility patient say with endometriosis as no amount of relaxing will help with that and would you tell someone with epilepsy to relax? No you wouldn’t and I think these things are said in ignorance as infertility is kept hush hush and not talked about and is misunderstood that why stupid things like that are said.
Oh Kathleen I know! I get those same comments too and it makes me want to punch someone! Easy for you to say people, because 1) you have children and 2) you only ever hear of the “miracle” stories, not the stories of those of us who have no chance. GRRRR…..
My personal fav, “you waited too long.” I went through early menopause (in my 30s) and was post-menopausal by 47. That comment makes me want to throw stuff at their head.
that’s the one that got me most angry too. Basically because there is a little bit of truth in it – obviously, if I’d started earlier, it would have turned out sooner that my (now ex-)partner neither wanted nor was able to father children, I would have been younger whe he left, I would have had more time to find a new partner……..
would, would, would. When I was younger I didn’t have a partner (nor a degree), and here I am 5 years after splitting up, still single. Stupidest comment ever, as if one could plan everything in life.
I totally agree Elena. I usually respond, I wasn’t “waiting” for anything. I was living my life and stuff hadn’t that I neither planned or expected.
hadn’t = happenned
We also had MF infertility. I didn’t know. We had not tried for children earlier because of a multitude of uncertainties on my partner’s side. People tend to assume that I don’t have kids because I waited too long. I could have had children in my early 40s as per my numbers.
That reminds me that my (FORMER) gyn once told me during a checkup, “You should have had children earlier.” Um…. my reply was “I’ll just hop in my time travel machine and get on that.” It wasn’t a great response, but it was all I had in the moment. WTH is wrong with people?!?!
Glad to read you fired that doctor.
The worst! And what I don’t get is why these people are so invested in my life. Why do people who are parents work so hard to convince others to become parents, too? Or why people spend so much time judging others’ lives and decisions. If your (the general “your”) life is so wonderful, go live it and stay out of mine!
Hi Kasey, I was chatting to my friend the other day about this and we came to the conclusion that some mums want other women to join their “club” the mum club and be like them. Maybe because then the mum will feel more comfortable that there are more people in her “mum club” and that makes her feel more content that she made the right decision to have children because everyone around her is doing the same, or that things are ok if they were an accident or oops pregnancy,
I would imagine a woman without a child who appears happy, time to pursue hobbies and interests, fulfilled and content would make a parent who is feeling lumbered down with children feel envious at times and so that’s why they want you to keep trying to have kids, so your like them, so your still wanting what they’ve got. If you can come to a place of acceptance over not having kids and be ok with that it could make them question in their own minds if they could of lived child free and this could make them feel uneasy even if they chose to have children or if it was a ooops pregnancy.
It would make them feel more comfortable because if you have kids too they can’t see you enjoying all the things they can’t have because they are lumbered with children
I had breast cancer at 32. Due to my treatment, I will never have children. My husband and I never even got to try for a baby and I was desperate to have children. This has devastated me.
It’s a deep grief and I get tired of people telling me of the people they know who have had children after cancer. I have to make peace with the situation and sometimes other people just don’t contribute to the healing process.
I’m sorry Andrea. We have to develop a very thick skin… and a slippery one, too.
Just in conversation with gay male doctor who gad adopted a boy about 4 years ago. Now fostering a girl. Makes it look easy. Makes me second guess myself
Sometimes I start to second guess myself. But, then I remember the immense pain I was in which led me to stop trying to have a child or adopt. To go back to that dark space even for a short time with no guarantee and try to piece myself together again if it failed is not a possibility. It isn’t a matter of not trying hard enough, it is a matter of making the best choice at the moment.
Can we take out an ad in every newspaper in the country with this?? PLEASE don’t tell me to “not give up hope”. This process of stopping trying and the grief that ensues is NOT giving up anything…… acceptance and giving up are two very different things. (can you tell I feel strongly about this? LOL)
Thanks MMac – this perfectly sums up the problem that people don’t get the issue in any way shape or form. The courage it takes to accept and say no more is far more difficult than anything they can imagine. I think I’m hurt most by the friends I think will be compassionate. I expect flippant “wonder stories” from the nurse who does your smear test, and unknowing colleagues at work but when you confide in a friend who has seen you inject for repetative unsuccessful IFV treatments over the years, has seen the tears after a miscarriage and learnt recently of your Ectopic at age 47 that ends the journey (I blurted out quickly that the journey was over to spare myselft the “hope” lecture), but no – I still got it and it was someone with endemetriosis. And everything worked out perfectly…………..I’m sad to the bottom of my sole for me. I am gradually accepting that I will not hold my own baby ever – I will never understand it though……….
In her book, “The Next Happy,” Tracey Cleantis talks about how our culture constantly bombards us with the message of “never give up” yet it also says, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.” Which are we to believe?
Regarding the miracle baby prayers, I agree that they are insensitive and cause many people to doubt God’s goodness when the answer is no. I recently emailed a religious radio show and asked them to stop pushing miracle baby prayers and adoption suggestions to people who are in the depths of grieving infertility. Why can’t we just say we’re sorry that people feel so badly, give them a hug (if possible), and ask how we can help or support them?
Tracey C. advises people to hold a funeral service for the death of their dreams. She also says that when we let go of something, we make room for something else. It’s a fresh alternative to “never give up!”
I’ve come to realize people don’t realize how painful the process is or they block it out if they are a success story. Also, people just don’t like seeing or dealing with pain. We label decisions as successes or failures with nothing in-between. Stopping the pain of TTC and adoption has meant we can continue with our lives – a bittersweet in-between.
yes – this is so Poignant – a bittersweet inbetween is so true. The pain and acknowledgment that its over is still difficult at times, however the sun begins to shine again 🙂
i don’t want to be done but I’m trying to accept it. I find some of the people who push me the hardest to keep trying are other people on their own journey. I suppose I’m guilty of the same. Maybe I’d feel a little comfort if one of my IF sisters could realize her dream and that’s why I push them.