As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Gini’s response to “What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?” made me catch my breath: “No one to utterly delight in!” Oh, how I get that. So many of my hopes and dreams about my own longed-for children could be summed up in that one statement.
At 51, Gini is, in her own words, “past child-bearing age”, yet she candidly shares that she still feels as if she’s on an irritating rollercoaster of hope. So often, as each of us rides the twists, turns, drops, and climbs of our journeys, it feels like we aren’t making progress toward healing. If you are struggling today, I hope you’ll find some solidarity—and solace—in Gini’s story.
LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood.
Gini: I have loved babies since my nephew was born, just before I turned six. I volunteer “babysat” until I was 12, and continued my professional babysitting career through high school. I studied early childhood education in college and returned to volunteer babysitting with my husband. Since we didn’t have children of our own, but loved them so much and were “so good with them”, we were frequently asked to watch children of our friends. I wanted to have 10 babies and then adopt 13 special needs children.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Gini: We are childfree by chance. I always knew that if we were to see doctors or adopt, God would let me know. Although we did consider adoption, it was cost-prohibitive. I’m now menopausal and mentally DONE with the whole idea.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Gini: I’m on a rollercoaster! Most of the time I am absolutely thrilled with life with My God, My Love, and our two kitties. Occasionally anger and depression sneak up on me. Although I am past child-bearing age, hope still lives in my heart—and that really irritates me!
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Gini: No one to utterly delight in! No one to sing songs, play games, and dance with! No one to build things and paint and sew and create with!
LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?
Gini: Realize that your Creator delights in you. Sing, dance, play games with, build with, and create with Your Amazing Creator. You are never alone!
LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?
Gini: After a two-year intermittent process of researching and working out what I thought would be an online business site, I named my website, “my catherine grace.” [See below.] The process has been cathartic and has stirred up a plethora of cascading emotions that led me too look for support online. I am thrilled to have found LWB.
LWB: What is your hope for yourself this coming year?
Gini: To continue processing the plethora of cascading emotions and continue blogging as a personal journey through “eel-infested waters.”
Gini runs an online business and blogs at www.mycatherinegrace.com. This is from her May 4, 2015 post, “Baby Names”:
When My Love and I were just married, we picked out names for our children—one for a boy, one for a girl. Our girl was to be named Catherine Grace.
Catherine = pure
Grace = empowering Presence of God enabling you to be who He created you to be
My Love and I lived oversees for seven years. The people of Central Asia stole our hearts. In their language, nicknames are created by adding “my” to a child’s name.
If you’ve been feeling that you’re all alone on this journey, I encourage you to read other members’ stories here. There is a lot of wisdom and support in the stories themselves and in the Comments. Then, when you’re ready, I hope you’ll share your story with us. Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.