By Lisa Manterfield
Mr. Fab and I don’t talk much anymore about our infertility journey. He’d as soon forget the whole ordeal and I prefer to look forward rather than dwelling on what might have been. But recently it came up in conversation.
“If I had to doit all again, I would,” he told me.
My first thought was “No way!” I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy and I don’t think I could bear to see Mr. Fab go through it again. But when I thought about it some more, I see there are positives that came out of it.
We are tougher than we were before, both individually and as a couple. We now know we can weather a major storm, and we’ll be okay when the next one comes along (and they always come along). I’m more compassionate toward others who might be in pain, now that I know what it’s like to be smiling in public and dying on the inside. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle crisis, and we’ve learned about one another. We’ve uncovered the people we really are.
So if I had to do it all again, I would. Would you?
I would not. I could not live through that again. “IF” I could do it again…I would only go about things much differently.
I agree with you Lisa. What is life for? I never knew that I could bear such pain. I’m not the same person I was and I am much more compassionate towards others and myself as a result.
I think I would do it all over again, but only if I took a different route and only if I was 42 again. I was so set on having my own biological child back then, and so confident that it would work, that I didn’t even consider donor eggs and that was probably the route I should have taken from the get go. Now, at 46, I don’t really want to go through the emotional and physical roller coaster again. However, I do agree that the experience changed me profoundly and made me stronger. If I can weather that storm, my chances of weathering the inevitable future storms of life are very good.
I would do it again, but as others have stated, I would do it differently. I would have started out with IVF and not with all the other treatments the Drs. Have you do first. I feel like I lost precious time with the medication and artificial insemination I did for a couple of years. Doctors should ask you what you would like to do first instead of telling you what they are going to do, but then again it’s all about the $$$ with them.
I’m interpreting your question as, would you go back and do it all again, knowing what you know now? Yes, I probably would. I learned so much about myself, and our relationship, and about the world, and I like how I have grown. I like that you say “we’ve uncovered the people we really are.” I think that’s true for us – for me at least, I won’t speak for The Husband.
I wasn’t sure I would say yes to this – I then thought about it and realise that the final IVF (the actual final one despite promising they would all be the last!), was the one where I saw my husband so clearly as the person he had always been but this time it crossed my mind “would he be there again” – could I risk losing him pursuing this against his wishes, and my own promises to stop. He came into the hospital, having been up all night worrying about me (we were on a ski holiday in a blizzard) when our worst day happened. He drove to the hospital in snow behind the ambulance at 1am in the morning. I had emergency surgery the following morning. He then drove back to the ski resort and packed everything and cleaned our apartment. He then drove back to the hospital, with my favourite pink jumper and what he thought were my essential make up items and a fake smile on his face to help me through! I look back at that moment of strength and sheer love whenever I question why we didn’t call the clinic back for the 8th cycle. He wanted to stop after 2nd cycle – we almost split up after the 5 and 6 cycle. We found “us” with the outcome of the 7th – it has shaped us and I had to know I had done what I could with what I knew. I’ve had to stop myself looking back and wondering why no-one mentioned donor eggs after the 3rd failed cycle – I remind myself we can only work with what we are told and know at the time and we did not have the benefit of hindsight. I did not think for one minute that we had been given false hope for 2 decades and that of course they will take our money and agree “we were unlucky”!
Jane,
Your comment really affected me. Although I never had the kind of emergency you went through, I did have moments where I saw my husband for the person he really is, and I was glad to be going through it with him. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a crisis or the risk of losing someone, to see how valuable that persona really is. Mr. Fab is traveling today, but when he gets home tonight I will tell him this. -x-
Thanks Lisa – it really helps to share experiences here and to get some of this out. Its not until you try to write it down that you can see it more clearly. I had another thought today – seeing lots of pregnant people and knowing I will never truly shed the sadness. However, it has helped a lot to realise that we have shared a very unique journey together and come through it. I have no doubt that we would have weathered parenthood together ok – but today I feel peaceful because I think we would have lost us for a period of time, being so wrapped up in the children and their needs – we would not share so many moments together – that only we get. This thought helps.