By Lisa Manterfield
Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the U.K.. I know it will have been a very difficult day for many of you. For me, the small upside to living on the opposite side of the world from my mother is that I can cheerfully celebrate her without needing to protect myself from the celebrations swirling around me. Come May 14, Mother’s Day in the U.S., I can keep a low profile without feeling like I’m neglecting her. I’m grateful for that.
During a visit to the U.K. a couple of years ago, I was my Mum’s date at a senior social night she wanted to attend. Aside from the organizer’s son and grandchildren, I was the only person under 70. It was great.
At the event I ran into the mother of an old school friend I haven’t seen or heard from in 20-plus years. When I asked after him, she regaled me with a running inventory of all his successes—his well-paying job, his lovely wife and her lovely job, their lovely house, and, of course, their two amazing children.
“And do you have children?” she asked.
“No,” I told her. “I don’t.”
And I swear to God that was the end of our conversation. No questions about my husband, my work, where I lived, or what I’d done with the last 20 years. Nothing.
I can imagine the conversation she’ll have when she next sees her son.
“I ran into Lisa the other week. She doesn’t have any children. Poor thing.”
My overriding feeling is this: She is a very nice lady, but I’m glad she’s not my mother.
My mother was sad for me that I couldn’t have children, but she’s never made me feel like a failure as a daughter because of it.
I’m honestly not sure what my mother says when people ask her if I have any children. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t drop her eyes from the shame of having to tell people her only daughter is barren. I hope she sees me for all the things I am, including the fact that I’m not too self-important to go with her to a senior social night and sing songs with the old folks.
I hope I give my mother plenty to be proud of, even if I didn’t give her grandchildren.
I am the mother of a childless daughter, through the changed mind of my son-in-law after marriage. I don’t think my daughter has fully grieved her lost dream of having a family due to the fragility of the marriage; a number of other husband personality changes has her concentrating on the marriage.
I mourn and grieve daily, her loss and my husband’s and mine. I am barraged daily with grandkids’ pictures and long stories of their giftedness. I read once where mothers ( and grandmothers) wear their children as badges of honor.
So few people are sensitive to those who cannot wear those same badges.
I am a childless daughter of a mother who is now suffering from Alzheimer’s. Your daughter has had the same experience as I’ve had but it’s now become sadly complicated with missing the connections of having emotional support going through this stage of family caregiving. I would never have imagined my life without children. The biggest regret I have is not forming relationships with women in my situation sooner and not creating any bonds or relationships with children that would have filled this terrible void in my life.
I am tearing as I read this .. thank you for sharing this beautiful piece as I can 100% relate .. to the extremely awkward conversations I have when people ask if i have children or if i “want” children or trying .. then trying to run outta there .. I see many peoples’ moms are so ignorant, so not understanding .. That makes me appreciate my mom 100 times more, I become so emotional nowadays because my mom is the one who always cheers me up when i am feeling down about not having kids.. reminding me there is more to life .. and she does not panic either .. i am so greatful for her support .. even though i know she longs to have a grandchild from my side .. she is patient she does not push or ask wierd questions and comments like other peoples’ moms do .. i SO glad they are not my mom either .. cheers to our wonderful mothers .. may they live long healthy lives
huh, I wonder what my mother tells people. I dare not ask her! I STILL haven’t and won’t talk to her about my infertility, and I’m pretty sure she long ago assumed my “artistic lifestyle” (read: poor artist) meant I “choose” not to have the “bother” of children – I know she hurts, that she wanted grandchildren SO badly, and that she thinks I have made the wrong “choice” but she’s letting me make it (all the while she not knowing there NEVER was a choice…) She IS proud that I am so clever and creative… but she also tells people (her friends, her customers in her store, possibly strangers in the street) any detail of my life at all that pops into her head… How her daughter needed heart surgery; she could have DIED! and how a car NEARLY KILLED her and she’s disfigured for life because of a SCAR on her face and she should have fought harder for a bigger settlement!! She’s so LAZY! um…
It occurs to me, just as children’s successes and their own children are badges for the parents to wear, their children’s failures can be weird badges of victim-hood (for sympathy, I guess) and martyrdom…
I do love my mom, but she also drives me batty. Part of why I don’t tell her stuff (I didn’t tell her about my heart surgery until it was scheduled!) My brother has similar issues with her and it’s even worse for him – they work together in her store!
AND…
It goes for dad’s and sons, too. My brother’s childhood friend recently had twins. When my dad saw this on facebook, he went to my brother and said he was so happy for the guy it moved him to tears – which BROKE my (childless-not-by-choice) brother’s heart. I have no idea what my brother says to our parents about his childlessness, I think he also avoids the topic. I wonder what either of my parents say when anyone asks if they have grandchildren, but my brother and I rather assume they say, “Our bright-and-clever-but-also-awful-and-lazy children won’t give us any.” And we don’t correct them, because we don’t want to open that pity-party can of worms…
That’s a lot to carry around with you! Can you talk to them? It wouldn’t be easy, but is it possible it might clear the air a little? Good luck x
I truly wish I had a supportive mother as you all. I know what my mother says about me being childless. I have heard it from others and her herself. Its extremely hurtful when your mother wishes you were. A different daughter one who can have kids after kid leaving her to care for them. I love my mother but I hate that. She’d rather bash and resent me rather than uplift me. I’m an adult but still deal with her comments and disappointment of my being childless. Even though it wasn’t my choice to be born barren. She treats me as if I chose this,I’ll never understand that.
In my case, my mother died when I was 14 months old. But I get to see the reaction (clueless, I should say) of my relatives when I tell them I was never able to have kids… and it seems babies are popping up in all the corners of my family !!!
Prayers and blessings !
YAY for mothers who ‘get it’ and are understanding and supportive, regardless of circumstances. Part of my grief with my miscarriage was that my parents wouldn’t become grandparents. Fortunately their concern at the time was my well-being. They also did not challenge my later decision not to do IVF, even though I thought they might be upset.
For those with people in their lives who are less understanding, please lean on us – this community – and above all know that your own physical and emotional health is more important than ANYONE else’s opinion. Try not to let their thoughtless / uninformed / judgmental / presumptuous comments get you down!
Like you, I never really worried what my mother said about me not being able to have children. My mother-in-law, on the other hand … now that would be a different story!
I don’t know what my mother tells people, up until a few months ago she wasn’t privy to the details of our infertility struggles, or why we chose to live childless. Maybe now she mentions we couldn’t have them. She knew we were trying over a decade, but she at the same time doesn’t pry in matters like this as she thinks personally it’s none of anyone’s business ‘why’ people don’t have children (or do). I’m assuming she just natters on about my husband, myself and our pets. I mean she has an entire desk full of pictures of her grandogs, so I would assume any question in regards to our children follows with a conversation about them.
My mother-in-law on the other hand, I can actually answer as to what she tells people because she likes to slip it in as a dig whenever she can towards us. My mother-in-law believes that god gives children only to those who deserve them. It’s simple for her: we don’t have kids because we are sinners and need to repent to God for forgiveness and join her church. Infertility is a punishment from God and not a medical diagnosis in her eyes. So when someone asks if she has grandkids, she launches into the woe-is-me sad tale of her unrepented son and his evil wife, and the poor godly woman who has to suffer grandchildless because of us.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crap from your mother in law. She has a very twisted take on religion. I hope you can either ignore her bizarre and hurtful comments or challenge her on them. Wishing you well x
Wow! Not sure what church your mother-in-law belongs to, but it’s a sick one if they really teach these falsehoods. Jesus, and many of his followers (nuns, priests) did not have biological children. Were all these people really undeserving of a biological family because of their unrepentant behavior and life choices or circumstances? I suspect your in-law’s church follows this childless man, named Jesus, but his teaching is being twisted, for very selfish reasons, to hurt you and that is unacceptable. Not all Christians are like this.
I’m so sorry to hear this. While I can understand your mother-in-law’s grief of not having grandchildren, it’s totally unfair for her to put the blame on you. Judgement belongs to God, and I hope by His grace that your mother-in-law understands this one day. I don’t know whether your husband is her only child, but it is also sometimes very difficult on parents who have a child struggling with infertility. I have seen the way my own mum gets upset with one of my siblings who is infertile and might never have kids. And my mum already has 11 grandchildren!
Please forgive your mother-in-law, as only God knows what pain she might be going through now. Most importantly, take care of yourself and enjoy life’s simple moments.
Thank you, ladies, for your response and kind words.
My mother in law joins very ultra-conservative churches that run on shame and repentance. We don’t believe that is what Christianity is about, nor do we think it represents what the majority of Christians believe or act like. It is still difficult at times, even with the limited contact we do have with her, but we try to remind ourselves her beliefs are hers, as are her actions.
My mother has been pretty supportive overall — but I know not having grandchildren has been a huge disappointment to her — and I’ve overheard her say things to her friends about not having grandchildren around at Christmas, and how having small children around makes SUCH a difference, etc. Ouch. 🙁 (The neighbours’ daughter, who considers us her second family, now brings her little girls over at Christmastime… it IS fun… and heartbreaking sometimes too.)