This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic comes from a reader and is ripe for a rant and perhaps some ideas.
She writes:
“I still haven’t figured out how to make friends with people my own age (40s) who have children. I often feel disposable, or okay to invite to things when it suits them. I’m a thoughtful, caring person who deserves better.”
What do you think about this? It’s Whiny Wednesday, so let it all out.
I don’t think I have any friends. They are all acquaintance.
There is no one woman that I just hang out with or go and do girl things with. The closest person I have to a friend is the woman I go to the gym with. She is the mother of a friend of mine that lives on the street I grew up on.
As soon as I make a friend and we start doing things together she gets prego. Bye bye friend…
They just end up hanging with other moms and do play date. I feel weird…like a creeper…when I would go to play dates. I don’t go any more.
This is so very true. Over the years, I’ve had many friends pair up, marry, and have children, only to be forgotten by them. They DO choose to spend their time with other moms and seem to forget the friendships I have had with them. I think it’s even worse as I’ve remained single, as if I have some kind of disease and they just don’t want to be around me. I have initiated get-togethers but usually get some sort of response that they are busy with kid-related activities. Meanwhile, I have not seen them for months, but they can’t be bothered to spend a few hours away. I have not fundamentally changed and consider myself the same fun-loving, intelligent, and caring person. It’s not necessarily true of all my married mom friends, but definitely a majority of them.
I will be checking comments throughout today to get your ideas. This is a tough one!
In the midst of things for me, I moved to a new city and started over making friends. It was like dating, and it was not fun. I felt like such a goof, hoping this person would “like me, oh, please like me!” I joined groups, I went to networking events. I faced “Do you have kids?” every damn time.
Slowly, over years, a few women rose to the top. It’s interesting to me that everyone in my closest circle of friends today also came to this city from somewhere else (so were more opening to creating new circles) and almost everyone is childfree. We make time for each other. We look out for each other.
But it still stings when friends with kids slip away into their mommy groups. I make the effort to keep in touch with them, but I so often feel that I am not worth their efforts. Ouch.
Katie, we also moved to a new city in the midst of TTC. I can very much relate to what you wrote here! I am encouraged by your saying that over the years you’ve found new friends. As I am healing, I find that I am more open to new people and friendships and my social life gets busier, too. But it does look like it may take quite a while…
I’ve been struggling with this recently. Four years married and childfree not by choice, my husband and I are friends with only one other married couple with no kids! I spend the most time with friends who are still single because it is easier. But I actually do want to make friends with the women at my church, I just feel so left out when they all get together and talk about their kids. It actually hurts and makes me withdraw from them. I’d actually love to hear about some solutions to this problem. I don’t want to only have friends that don’t have kids, but it seems very difficult to relate to women who have kids sometimes.
I have been feeling isolated for years .. but i completely don’t feel like making new friends because if they don’t have kids yet chances are they will soon, or 90 percent of the time i meet someone my age who already ha s a kid or 2. all my old friends became mothers .. and i am going through a funk right now where i just dont want to be social .. i constantly say (when i have a kid, i’ll cross the bridge and reconnect with my old friends that i have been not keeping in touch with and i will make an effort to find new people) just feel left out .. i know i should get over it and just be social but just not interested in being asked constantly “when are you going to have kids?” when i have BEEN trying but no luck at all .. sigh .. good topic.
Over the years as our friends had kids, we were weeded out. We were of course invited to the baby showers and their 1st birthday parties then stopped getting invited. Big ouch. No explanation given either. Now that it’s years later and these couples will be empty nesters in their late 40s we are starting to get invited again but what’s the point? All they talk about is what colleges their kids are applying to and then soon enough the talk will be all about their grandkids. It’s relentless.
This is a tough one for me. I’m a pretty shy person when I first meet someone, think it’s because of my rough childhood. Most of the friends I had have had kids and usually hang out with other moms. I try doing different local events to meet people, but no luck so far. Really a lonely spot to be most days and wish there was an easier way to make friends as an adult.
I was suppose to be the first on to have a child in my group of friends. Then it was thought id be the last one. Now I wont be a parent at all. Through out the years I tagged along to playing at parks or day trips to fairs or walks in the woods.
I was invited more when I was single. Now that im married I rarely am invited to anything. I do have a few close friends that will be there when I need a friend but those events are just a few times a year.
I have very little family so the post of the family get together hurt. What hurts also are the girls night or girl weekends that I am not invited too. In general the invites to anything disappeared a long time ago.
Now that my friends kids are older i try to plan double date nights but those are hard to to do when calls are not returned.
There are times that the weekends feel lonley.
Adulthood is very different when you are childless.
This is challenging. Most of my friends have kids only two that don’t. It is painful when women are having their kids and you Re not horribly painful. A few closer friends I have shared that with and they were empathetic.i am married, and we have a few couple friends but a lot of single , widow , divorced friends . When u r still hoping for kids it’s bad.someone asked me the other nite if I had kids and I said no. My friend gasped cuz she knew my story, he said if you wanted them Sorrh but I’m glad you don’t. It didn’t bother me. That was his perspective. I started trying something O am interested in and see if anything happened friend wise.i think people with kids r so busy trying to do what the need too they don’t think what it’s like, more out of ignorance than indifference. You are a good perso. Whether other people notice or not . Hang in there . Hugs!
I am single and currently without friends or associates. That being all of them are mothers. With at least 3 kids and counting. I mean all of them High school friends and neighboorhood friends. I don’t fit in nowhere and dread running into them. Seeing a new child each time and me still childless. They wonder where are my babies and “you still dont have kids?”. I swear I’m cursed and no one can change my mind about it.
I met a fellow gal years back, who was childless withh fertility issues. She was the only one I could relate to. We both had PCOS, single, fertility issues, and wanted a baby. Difference was she was trying to get pregnant. I guess I got a warning then. But I stayed put. Well guess what she was able to get pregnant . My world was crushed into a billion peices. Not because I lost someone I could relate to. But because I was the last one left without a child. I slowy distanced myself from her for that reason. We only talked on the phone and on Facebook. But we talked for hours there. And had so much in common reguarding are personal lives. She always complained about women getting pregnant and bragging about it to her . But she turned around and did the same thing to me. It was just the biggest slap in the face, attached with pain beyond words.
I also had to unfriend another on Facebook. She had just got married and started posting baby posts… Like “what will your future baby look like, and what he/she will be as an adult” I just felt the baby announcement coming soon.
Im on this site to meet platonic friends and got a message. From a female who wanted to know more about me. We have a few things in common… I hate to say this but she Has 3 kids and is married. I sadly just couldn’t message her back for that reason. Just like many mother’s want to be around mothers. I want to be around women without children. I’m sure many of us here know the reason why.
So what do I do for connections.. Childless singles are a minority these days. I’m on a very lonely road in life and the odds are stacked against me. So I’m just existing right now. I should try and connect with some practicing Nuns.
I’m so sorry Tina – I do feel similar to you. Even though I had my husband to lean on – during our TTC days he would be out with the Lads on a regular basis. The girls would get together 1 or twice a year! They would talk about their children all night – I honestly preferred to get a DVD a bottle of wine and just stay in. Don’t give up – hang in there, you’re a good person. I totally get though the need to protect yourself. A couple of suggestions that helped me through were learning a language or any subject really – an evening class means a mix of people but no time to chat about your personal life. Don’t recall one person asking me if I had children – at breaks we talked about the French! It did lead to a couple of friendships too. I think the same might apply to a dance class – something like line dancing – again you don’t have time to talk but you slowly get to know people over the weeks and you have a shared interest that’s fun and a good mix of people of all ages (usually people who want activities outside of their children!). Just some suggestions – be kind to yourself, do what you need to do – its OK not to connect with friends with kids. Thinking of you and all of us here.
Hi Tina. I made friends with a girl on this website but now she has a baby and she has posted a pic of herself holding her baby on her Facebook, a thing she used to bitch about but now she’s doing it! That feels like a slap in the face to me. Also another infertility aquaintanance didn’t reply to my message for a long time but it popped up that she accepted my message on Facebook so I looked at her profile and now she has had a baby too! I believe she was about to message me with her good news bit she can go f*** herself, I don’t need it rubbed in my face…so I blocked her before she got a chance.
This is very topical for me at the moment. It hasn’t been easy to create friendships with women who have children. I love children, my husband and I haven’t been able to have our own and have decided to accept that. I sometimes feel like I don’t fit in the world and work on this daily. I don’t know what the answer is to this problem but I do feel a bit better knowing it’s just not me and others find this difficult at times. I choose to believe that we are childless for a reason that is greater than I can see and that the universe does have my back, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Thank you for all being authentically you and beautiful. xx
I tend to be the “odd ball” on here. I have lots of friends. Most have children only a few dont. I find interests like craft groups or walking. We talk about life and I tell them about mine as they tell me about theirs. If they need help with the kids, I offer. I have been known as helping with their kids on Halloween, Easter, back to school etc
I have found to have a friend you must become a friend and I certainly do not have a lack of friends.
I am now Gradma to the neighborhood kids and he comes over here for 30 mintes every evening,,,even brought “slime” last night.
When my husband passed my friends were there for me, for that I am grateful.
Can totally relate to this! I have my friends from when we were at school! ( a long time ago now) but they now have ‘mum friends’ etc and I don’t fit in!
Yes — I have found it difficult to make friends as an adult. For so many years, we were working & commuting — I did/do have some friends from work, but we’re spread over a wide geographic area which has made get-togethers outside of work difficult. Because we didn’t have kids, we never got plugged into those school/neighbourhood/activity networks where we’d meet other parents/people in the neighbourhood. And then within the last 3-4 years we both lost our jobs/retired, sold our house and moved into a condo in a completely different area — a very family-oriented community — closer to dh’s brother and his family. It’s nice having SIL to go shopping with, etc., but she’s still working, and I really haven’t met anyone else I can hang out with. I feel very dependent on dh for everything, including a social life.