By Lisa Manterfield
I often refer to this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.
The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.
The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.
I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.
For some reason, I think many of us believe that if someone talks to us about a problem, he/she wants us to “fix” it. In reality, I think that person often simply needs someone to listen and offer empathy. I wish we would all understand that it’s okay not to know what to say. It’s okay not to fix. Just listen and be a friend, offer an “I’m sorry you are going through this,” and above all, don’t judge the person’s emotions. Whether you understand them or not, the emotions are real to the person experiencing them.
This makes me think of this fabulous Brene Beown video on empathy: https://vimeo.com/165917210. She even addresses miscarriage and what NOT to say to someone who has just had one. She says, “Rarely if ever does an empathic sentence start with ‘at least.'” You know, you tell someone you had a miscarriage and they say, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” Or someone finds out you’re infertile and says, “At least you can go on expensive vacations.” Or “At least you don’t get woken up every night by a crying baby.”
Brene Brown says it’s better to say, “I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.”
“Rarely does an empathetic sentence begin with ‘at least.'” That is an excellent observation! Thank you for sharing Brene Brown’s advice!
I’m glad you liked it…I really appreciate Brene Brown. She seems like someone who would never be thoughtless in a conversation with one of us, even though she’s a parent herself.
I so wish this was in spanish so I could post everywhere for my family/friends/and all others to read. It is so true. Sometimes, you just want to be heard, not talked to; you just want to vent, not hear things like “it’s for the best” or “God knows what is best for you”. Agh!! I just can’t tolerate that. Ok sorry, kind of rant. But yes, wish more people could realize that sometimes no comments are the best ones!
part of the reason why i’m becoming more and more introvert and to myself .. i just can’t stand people’s “know it all” comments and questions. it hurts .. i am way passed the point of taking advice that i probably already did