We’ve all run up against people who don’t understand us or who simply don’t want to hear about “it” any longer. So this week’s Whiny Wednesday is your chance to talk about:
The Things I Can Never Talk About
You are being heard. -x-
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filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
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I never talk about the decision my husband and I made not to pursue adoption. After 2 failed IVF cycles, decades of endometriosis, and life-threatening complications of both that led to a hysterectomy, we decided that dealing with our grief and trying to move on was better for us than throwing ourselves into the adoption process. People who have never been where we are don’t understand – they think if you don’t pursue adoption (which they don’t realize can also fail in heartbreaking ways) that you must never have really wanted children in the first place. From time to time my husband and I re-open the discussion about adoption, and we keep coming up with the same answer. But we don’t talk about it with anyone else.
I totally feel you!! My husband and I also deciced to opt out of adoption and surrogacy. But still, many family members and friends don´t understand. For me, its especially hard during the holidays since I do feel the pain/emptiness of the “what if’s”. I enjoy buying gifts for my nephews and nieces, baking and cooking for them, decorating my home for the endless festivities…and yet I still ache inside for what could’ve been but never will be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret our decision, but it still hurts at times. The sad part, I can only talk to my husband about it, everyone else just either doesn’t understand. Some even go as far as assuming we didn’t try hard enough or really didn’t “want to be parents” since “we could be in many other ways if we really wanted to”… so damn difficult to hear and just a total waist of my time to even try and explain!
My heart still hurts. A lot. Even after almost two years since we gave up trying. Some days are better than others but it crosses my mind constantly. Everywhere i go there is a reminder of what i don’t have…the noticeably pregnant waitress, the customer showing off her newborn, baby commercials on TV. And it’s these everyday pregnancy & baby encounters that are hard for me to cope with. I feel like I’m constantly trying to avoid certain people & uncomfortable situations. While everyone else is happy for new or expecting parents or excited to see someone’s new baby, I’m cringing and wondering how i can escape.
Oh Jen, i get you. I am three years in and i think of it 24/7 and doubt i Will ever come to the other side – my feelings are just so intense so I often get exhausted by them. Now I spent two days in bed as I just need to relax a bit… I pray that you will feel stronger day by day.
I never talk about why I chose to pursue my career instead of throwing my heart and soul into “finding a man” who could financially support me and fill me up with babies. I’m often told that since I didn’t do that and I didn’t use IVF to become a single mom and I didn’t adopt then I must not have “really wanted children.” Well let me see, why didn’t I become Nina the hyena from “who framed Rodger rabbit” and desperately pursue a man, ANY man who was fertile. Gosh, could it be, because I am a LESBIAN. Also, it might just be that we are not living in the 1950s anymore and the likelihood of finding a husband who wants to support you while you sit around and make babies is slim to NONE. And since nobody ever EVER divorces, it’s perfectly logical that I would forgo all opportunities to financially support MYSELF. As for why I did not “Murphy Brown it” (ooo look old 80s reference). Gosh that might just be because I can take care of myself OR I can pursue IVF and have a quarter of a million dollars worth of baby, which is what the average child costs to raise to adulthood, but I can NOT do BOTH. It also just might because I went into early meno at age 36 and at that same time I came down with CFS aka ME and am now all but medically retired from the workforce and dependent upon my family for care and even if I could get pregnant (unlikely) or carry to term (unlikely) the birth would most likely kill me and I’ve been advised to not have children. As for why I didn’t adopt, well gosh, everyone knows adaption agencies are free and also dying to give babies to single, disabled lesbians drowning in medical debt, But no. It must be because I didn’t pursue a marriage based on lies and since I’m unmarried and I didn’t try IVF and single Parenthood, I must not have “really wanted children.” After all I’m just another silly “career girl” who selfishly pursued her career while ignoring her biological mandate of popping out as many babies as possible before my ovaries die and therefore I deserve to be single, childless and sick. And anyway CFS is an “imaginary” disease and I really could be a single mom with a career if I REALLY wanted to. This is what I never talk about. . I just grit my teeth, smile and say “I can’t have kids” and then walk away when they start to tell me about the latest magical fertility treatment or that friend of a friend who adopted a child at age 50.
I love your writing Rose, you sound how i have felt about people and how they dont listen and chat utter crap and their sticking their noses in and advising irrelevant advise is all so annoying!
At least someone is listening !!! Thank you !!
I can’t talk about mourning the loss of my ability to conceive because my friends don’t understand since they all have kids.
I’m just tired of looking at those faces and listening to their nonsense unsolicited advise.
Praying !!
I don’t ever talk about the full extent of our infertility problems. My husband and I both struggle with some issues, but we have only been sharing mine because it is too embarrassing/painful for my husband to talk about his own. Also, it is his story to share or not and therefore I let him take the lead on what to say or not to say. This is difficult because we get a lot of advice about how to deal with my PCOS and “fix” our infertility problems. Those might be helpful if that was the whole picture, but it isn’t. I am tired of the well meaning advice and the stories about some estranged relative’s niece who had several successful pregnancies even with PCOS. I know if people knew the full extent they could probably be more supportive, but I am not willing to share that information and hurt my relationship.
Wow Emory, I could have written what you said, too. I have other health problems that our friends and family know about, so we have found everybody assumes that it is 100% me. I am fine taking on that “responsibility” and not go into details about my husband, since it’s not my story to share. Everyone just blames it on my PCOS and other health problems. That seems to be more socially acceptable.
On a completely different note, but I don’t want to make multiple comments….. The other thing I can’t talk about is our failed adoptions. No one understands that they were very real, horrible losses for us. Most people tell us that if we really wanted children we would continue with adoption. They don’t realize adoption is not 100% and all of the pain and losses we’ve already sustained through failed adoptions are too much to bear.
I’m so sorry that you are having to bear the “blame” for infertility. And I am so sorry for your losses through failed adoption. Lots of hugs to you.
I never tell anyone that I really long to have a family and be a mum. Only my parents and therapist knows. I am single, 43 and don’t want to go through single parenthood and I deal with depression and anxiety so I also feel that that adds to being a mum being hard for me. I hope I will get through this all and maybe meet someone and be an extra adult in his kids life. But I don’t talk to people about it as they say do it on your own, you can still meet someone etc, you deserve to be happy, and no one understands my deep seated fear of doing it on my own when depressed and not being there for the kid, somewhere knowing that me being mentally healthy is no 1 – but I worry that without a family I might never get out of depression – so it is a catch 22.
As I read through the comments, I realized again how lonely and isolating infertility and childlessness can be. And once again, I’m grateful to have found a community where I can openly share my fears and complain without judgment.
Like others, I rarely talked about why we didn’t adopt until recently. I actually just posted a blog today about this very topic. (You can read it here, if you like – http://notsomommy.com/why-didnt-we-just-adopt/ ) Adoption is so personal and complex. I wish others would understand that it’s not the simple, end-all solution and that choosing not to adopt doesn’t mean you didn’t really want a baby. It is not that black and white.
I hope that all you ladies find peace and joy. And I hope we continue to speak up even about the things we think we can’t/shouldn’t talk about. It’s the only way the stigma will ever change…
Yes! When my husband and I closed our adoption file and since we’ve never pursued IVF (I have no desire) everybody’s knee-jerk reaction is that we didn’t want kids bc if we did, we’d have done ANYTHING to have them whether or not it was right for us.
I can never talk about the fact that I stopped wanting kids years ago. I’m trying to move on but I feel like my husband and family keep bringing it up like I should be sad, I should be lonely. This doesn’t help when I just want to be me and accept my childfree life. I want to move on.