Well, here we are in 2018, and I think it’s safe to say that most of us are ready to see the back of last year. Between political craziness, the loss of too many creative icons, and a general feeling of uneasiness in the world, I’m ready for a fresh start.
I do love the New Year for the potential it brings in terms of a clean slate and the chance to make big changes. And yet, in the past, I’ve ended up putting pressure on myself to fix all the things that are wrong with me. My goals have included losing weight, exercising more, doing a better job of keeping in touch with people, and on and on—a long list of things I’m doing wrong.
But a couple of years ago, I started to change my outlook. Instead of treating myself like something broken that needed fixing, I began looking for my potential and making progress with the things I’m doing right. I wrote a post about it a while back, Looking for Potential. Do take a look as I think you’ll find it a kinder, gentler way of approaching the New Year.
So, as we go into this year, I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself, too. Instead of trying to fix a laundry list of shortcomings, perhaps you could look for where you’ve made progress over the last year and focus your energy there.
For example, let’s say you have a friend who you’ve avoided because her children are the same ages yours would have been and you can’t bear to see her. Maybe you ran into her last year and realized you’ve missed her company. Could you set a goal to reach out to her, give her a call or send a quick email note, maybe broach the topic of getting together?
Or perhaps you’ve been reading this blog for a while or working your way through my, or someone else’s, book and you’ve hit a spot where you feel stuck. Maybe a goal would be to find a therapist, counsellor, or support group and get some additional help.
This healing process takes time. Oh, man, does it take time! But progress is made by inching forward a little at a time. So, don’t try to take giant steps forward. Instead, be kind to yourself and take the tiniest, most doable step possible, something you can actually accomplish and feel good about.
How could you inch forward on your journey this year? What’s the smallest, no-sweat step you could take? Let us know in the comments, and if you need a little encouragement to take it, just ask.
For now, I wish for you a genuinely happy new year.
This hits me right on the spot:
“Instead of treating myself like something broken that needed fixing, I began looking for my potential and making progress with the things I’m doing right”
thank you so much for sharing, I’m wishing everyone here in LWB a wonderful 2018!
I moved past the 5-year mark of my heartbreak in 2017.
I visited my mother in December and I ended up in the middle of a conversation between 5-6 other women who were sharing their childbirth stories. At first it was ok (progress!), but after a while it became uncomfortable. One of the women (my sister) talked about how for a long time she hated butterflies due to a difficult delivery where she was staring at pictures of butterflies that had been hung to the ceiling. Immediately, in my head, I said that I’d give anything to hate butterflies and to be in on this conversation. I consider it progress that I lasted so long without really noticing. But I did mention to my mother that it affected me somewhat. She asked me “how long is it going to bother you?” I had to tell her forever. And I explained (once again) how it is grief.
Later in the visit, I argued with that same sister because I deigned to offer my (unsolicited) advice as to what to say to, rather what not to say to, her late-twenties daughter who has not yet “settled down.”
I consider it progress that I have learned that a great deal of empathy cannot be sought within my family, to include 4 sisters who are all mothers. I also consider it progress that accepting this no longer tears me apart.
Hi CVB, I’m so frustrated that we have to explain ourselves, over and over.
Can I ask what had helped you come to this point where it doesn’t tear you apart?
I too have accepted that some people close to me do not have empathy, I have even changed their name on my mobile phone so now when they ring me it says “don’t tell them anything they will only hurt you” is calling.
This reminds me not to bother saying much about what is really going on in my life because the insensitive things they say are so bad you’d think it was deliberate and it hurts me over and over.
I’m so sorry that both of you have family and those close to you who just don’t seem to get it. Unfortunately, I also have a couple of people who inevitably hurt my feelings and just don’t seem to want to understand this childless journey I am on… Although it’s sad, I kind of like the “don’t tell them anything; they will only hurt you” reminder. I let my guard down with one of the people I mentioned, and she ripped me apart–again. Since then, I’ve kept my distance, knowing that I must protect my heart.