“Why don’t you just adopt?”
We’ve all heard this response to our telling people we can’t have children/don’t want children/are childfree. I don’t believe these people intend to be callous and cruel, but so often, that’s how this answer feels to me.
Here’s why:
After nearly three years of working through the adoption system, my friends Elise and Chris and their daughter Emma* opened their arms to welcome baby Jane into their family. Oh, how we all celebrated! The long-awaited arrival of this precious child was the answer to so many prayers.
A few weeks later, I received the devastating news that the birth mother had also signed over parental rights to a different adoption agency. After a furious and frantic battle in court, due to what was described as a “rare loophole,” Jane was pulled from Elise’s arms and given to another family.
I wept with Elise as she poured out the details between sobs, and I failed to make sense of it, to see a silver lining or life lesson…oh, screw it, it was all just horrifying. After all the miscarriages, all the hoping and preparing and planning, my dear friends—who are good and deserving people—had their hearts broken once again in an unimaginably cruel fashion.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t my first ride on the heartbreak tracks of the adoption-option train. Another family I knew had to relinquish their son at the six-month mark when his birth mother changed her mind and decided to keep her baby for herself. (I didn’t begrudge her this, yet I so ached for my friends.) And yet another couple, through a private adoptions setup, paid all the living and medical expenses for the birth mother, only to learn at the end that she had scammed several families, taken all their money, then left the baby in limbo with child services.
I can also tell you stories about friends who have been successful in their adoption efforts, but none of their experiences came easily either. Multiple disappointments, years of waiting, tens of thousands of dollars. The harsh realities of adoption are rarely mentioned alongside the airbrushed photos of celebrities and their pretty babies in tabloids, and I think leaving out those details does us all a disservice.
Yes, there are children around the world who need homes, and adults longing to be parents, and I wish I could wave my magic wand and bring them all together to be loving families. But “just” adopt? Omg, people, just stop.
*Not their real names, of course.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Thank you for putting into words what I always butcher. People have no idea what they are saying. My nerves are already frazzled on this topic. To try to explain is a disaster for me.
Sometimes I wonder what our world would be like if all potential biological parents also had to endure all the tests, assessments, training and home visits that potential adoptive and foster parents must endure.
Amazing post, you are right nobody talks about “the all it went wrong” situations of adoption.
thank you
We tried to adopt internationally. Didn’t want to do domestic because i didn’t want to deal with a birth mother for the reasons above and others. Was turned down by the first country because my husband’s BMI was too high. Forget that he’s a construction worker and very muscular. Since we weren’t married 5 years at the time we had one other country to choose from. Paid thousands, got interviewed, had our home inspected, submitted tons of paperwork, submitted pictures of us, was questioned about finance, about our relationships with our parents and siblings, I could go on…Then we were put on a waiting list. And waited, and waited and waited. Our lives were on hold. Our short marriage at the time was so stressful. I really don’t know how we made it.
That was 12 years ago. No chance of kids now. I’m 49. I still have a hole in my life, had a meltdown last week, got to see all my nieces have illegitimate babies, watch my drug addict brother and his wife have a baby. Yeah, it’s been tough. I may still be in meltdown mode a little. Lol. But! My husband and I have a wonderful relationship.
So, why don’t you “just” adopt??? Yeah…
Oops, I forgot to mention that we eventually took our names off the waiting list. We felt like our lives were just put on hold and couldn’t do it anymore. We had to move on.
I remember the adoption agency saying we were so close. (Like they knew!) We just couldn’t…
Your friends’ stories are sadly familiar, Kathleen. 🙁 “Just adopt,: indeed. :p Great post, thank you.