Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: You Wouldn’t Understand; You Don’t Have Kids


I know I’m probably going to have to duck for cover with this week’s topic. We’ve all heard it and the sting never seems to diminish. So here we go:

“You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids.”

I’ll be behind the couch if you need me.

Comments

  1. I hate this phrase and I’ve heard it so many times I’ve lost count. Can I also add a whine for this Wednesday? I’ve shared about it being World Childless Week and basically heard crickets. How are we suppose to get the word out and let people know when they ignore us like lepers.

    • YES, Jenn, you can most definitely add that whine!!! I burst out laughing at your last sentence. So true. I was on the fence with posting my #IAMME pic on my personal FB page as I fired up my computer this am and read your comment. Although I’m 4.5 years out of treatments and am somewhat used to the crickets, the tone deafness of the outside world can really wear on a person. I changed my profile pic to the WCW logo and figured I was lucky to get a whopping 7 likes, at least half of them from my involuntarily childless tribe. Anyway, I am going to keep posting……..I remind myself that even though people don’t respond we still are taking up cyber space and have a presence and that matters. Moms and dads and people who receive the privilege of getting to hand pick their causes get their holidays and seasons, this week is mine/ours. Sending you a high five for getting the word out – it takes energy. In the meantime it’s draining, in the long run we just might be changing the world for the better. Thanks for the whine.

    • Jenn; you are absolutely correct. Sometimes I feel like a ghost…nobody can see me or hear me crying…

  3. I hate that phrase, it is not a choice I made for myself. It has been 18 years since I went through my failed IVF treatments and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t have a moment of why me. It is hard enough without the constant reminder from mothers everywhere that you don’t know what you are talking about because you don’t have children. Bite me.

  4. I used to hate this phrase and it would make me cry. Then it made me angry. Now I agree with it! Accept it! Embrace it and say they are exactly right … I don’t know and I don’t want to. Motherhood makes women act in ways a normal person wouldn’t.

    And I don’t understand it.

  5. I have definitely heard this, but sometimes it is implied innocently. Yet I still get hurt feelings. A friend recently said to me ” it’s a mom thing” implying I would not be able to understand. My grandma spoke once about a childless aunt of hers who seemed to suffer from depression and spent a lot of time in bed. My grandma said women without children seem to be more self centered because they don’t have to worry about their kids. In other words, said aunt would have been more likely to be up and out of bed if she had children. My grandma didn’t mean it in a malicious way. However, I know it didn’t even occur to her that I too am a childless woman.

    I do often feel like there is a “mom club”, and I am an outsider. It can be even more awkward when a younger mom just assumes I have had kids bc I’m in my 40s, and they something like ” you know how it is” when talking about babies, pregnancy, etc. I usually just smile and nod bc I don’t want to have to explain otherwise.

  6. Those who say that to those of us that are childless not by choice wouldn’t understand why saying that hurts so much..because they HAVE kids.

  7. I follow Glennon Doyle (author of Love Warrior and other books) on Instagram. She is married to Abby Wambach (professional and Olympic player). Glennon has three children. Abby does not have biological children.
    Glennon has an instastory up right now where she’s asking her two daughters what they love most about Abby. One daughter answered, “she knows what it’s like to be a kid.”
    BOOM. From the perspective of a CHILD who has felt the helpful presence in her life from a woman who has not born children.

    This is an all too common, yet completely ridiculous, comment. I love the prior comment of “you’re right, I don’t. Get over it.” Just like someone with blue eyes doesn’t know what it’s like to have green eyes.

  8. My experience is with a different phrase: I am in my mid-30s but I look quite young (being 5 feet tall doesn’t help!))
    I am sick of being told to “enjoy it” when I’m asked if I have kids. They obviously think it’s something that will happen because, of course everybody has kids!! I’m at a new job with new coworkers so I’m having to face all those “get to know you questions”.
    Ugh. I miss people who know me and can avoid the small talk.

  9. This is such an awful phrase! I hear it all the time. It’s up there with all those phrases like, “You never know true love until you have a child of your own” and “Geez, anyone can have kids, but it takes a real parent, putting the child above….blah, blah, blah!
    I would like to blurt out this phrase, “This is something you wouldn’t understand, you HAVE kids”. I would love to say those kinds of things and see the reactions. Crickets….strange looks…feeling of foot in mouth, maybe?
    I agree with the lack of support in the postings on FB about infertility. I mean, clicking the “like” button wouldn’t kill anyone, would it? I mean, it shows you support your friends pain and suffering. It amazes the lack of empathy over this. I think that society only wants to see the “happily ever after” so they ignore it mostly. A friend of mine lost her daughter 3 years ago and she posts a lot about her daughter. I think a lot of people have kind of gotten tired of seeing the posts. I may have felt that way if infertility hadn’t been in my life. It changes your perspective about other people’s pain. I feel more empathy for others than ever before. Even for those, that are unknowledgeable about those of us without children. Sorry, I know this is a little all over the place, but love having a platform to get out my feelings. God bless