The new pages for my calendar arrived in the mail this week and, I have to confess, when I opened the package, I felt giddy. Clean slate! New beginning! Fresh start!
Even as I write this, I know it sounds silly. It’s not like a fabulous dress for a special event or a face cream that’s guaranteed to erase years of stress off my face or a surprise package from a dear friend. Those are the kinds of deliveries that typically get me excited. But somehow, as I look at the days, weeks, and months ahead, I feel a deeper kind of excitement. Perhaps this is the year I’ll….
Being able to carry on a conversation in French and clearing out the boxes of miscellany under my desk are still on my to-do list. So is “come to terms with being childfree.” The good news about that last item is that I feel closer. It’s taken years—pages and pages of fresh starts—to walk this painful and perilous journey, but as I look ahead, I feel it becoming possible. Perhaps 2019 is when I’ll feel like me again. Perhaps this is the year I’ll find my peace.
As we say “Arrivederchi! Adios! and Adieu!” to this year and prepare to greet the new, I wish you many fresh starts. I wish you peace.
dear Kathleen,
what a lovely post! I am also excited about the new calendar, I am every year.
And I love your wish – Perhaps 2019 is when I’ll feel like me again. Perhaps this is the year I’ll find my peace.
I wish you that your wish comes true – to you, to me and to all of us.
sending lots of love from sLOVEnia,
Klara
Thank you, Klara! xoxo
Hi Kathleen – excellent post, and thanks for the timely reminder that peace and acceptance take a lot of work. For me I am allowing myself never to accept it! That’s OK – I am letting in good things and I look forward to a new year with different expectations and letting go of old traditions that cannot be part of my unplanned “no children” life is one way of working towards peace. I cannot prioritize others’ life expectations for me when my life does not include what is necessary for these traditions. I spent 20 years painting on a smile and suppressing deep pain and sadness for the benefit of others. I’m done – we are going away skiing for Christmas – I have some guilt but I do not seek permission from my Mother any more. I hope my brother invites her to join him Christmas Day but if he doesn’t that is not my responsibility and not a reason for me to stay and endure something that makes me profoundly unhappy.
Kathleen, I love getting my new calendar/datebook too, & starting to fill it all in. 🙂 Enjoy! 🙂