I used to subscribe to a “Living After Infertility” Support Community, but I removed myself from the mailing list.
Apparently, the only viable “life” after infertility was pregnancy and the “support” forums are filled with questions about the best strollers for twins and complaints about weight gain at 24 weeks. When I dug back into the archives I found exactly THREE posts from people trying to move on with a childfree life.
I avoid using profanity in a public forum, but not in the comfort of my own home, so when I tell you I said, “Forget it!” you can fill in your own blank for what I really said.
This community did some wonderful work in helping people deal with infertility, but for those of us who have run out of options or made the decision to get off the crazy train and get about the business of building a life without children, that support is non-existent. Unless a miracle baby happens, there is apparently no living after infertility.
Well, that’s not the case here, sisters. I am alive and well and swearing like a sailor to prove it.
It’s Whiny Wednesday, my wondering living friends. If you’ve got something to say, now’s the time. Just watch your language, if you don’t mind.
This is precisely the reason I found and started following this community. I wanted to know there was life after infertility, and that my life could still find meaning and purpose and fulfillment. I still struggle, but I have learned so much, and feel so much more hopeful than when I started the journey as a childless not by choice woman.
Thank you!!!! I left it for the same reason. Never understood why there weren’t monitors keeping it on topic.
Thank you!!!! I left it for the same reason. Never understood why there weren’t monitors keeping it on topic.
Good for you!! (& no apologies for language necessary, lol) I found that many of the boards on general infertility sites that were supposedly devoted to childless/free living and “moving on” were mostly frequented by women who were still cycling &/or hoping for a baby, thinking about adoption, etc. (most of them a lot younger than me, who still had some options open to them that I didn’t) — dipping their toe in the water, so to speak. Which is fine, I get it — but I got tired of watching so many women I’d supported and encouraged who were supposed to be learning to live without children winding up pregnant or adopting after all.
Off topic.
My sister had a baby at the same time I realized children are not in my future.
I shared with her a little bit about what I was going through. She did not understand…
1.5 years later she tells me that I need to be there for her and listen to all the details of her life as a mother… & that I’m being selfish.
I just don’t know what to do…
Hi Jean,
I’m sorry to hear about your loss and your sister’s behaviors. It sounds sad and trapped for you. I am by no means and expert on your exact situation, but I did grow up in a family that did not express healthy boundaries. I’ve just come to understand this more deeply in the past 2 years (I’m 43).
Is it possible to explain these points to your sister, either in person or via a letter?
You’ve suffered a loss because you will not have children. You don’t expect her to understand this, but would hope that she can believe you when you say this is your truth. Maybe if this would be helpful – suggest that you trust her that when she says that her life has changed in significant ways because she’s a mom. You hope she can return trust in you that you are being honest when you say your life is painful and challenging in some ways, too.
Suggest that right now, you are not the best person for her to share the details of her life as a mother. Might she find more support from other mothers? Can she talk to friends, make new connections through mother’s groups?
If it feels safe, share with her that you’re working on connecting with other non-moms to help you out where you are in your life right now.
Being family does not entitle a member to expect things another member isn’t comfortable with. It took me really long time to come to grips with this, esp if boundaries have been poor for generations, like they have been in my family.
This and other childless communities offer great resources. Keep coming back to them!
Thank you Jill,
I value your advice and have found it helpful.
Hi Jean – so sorry that you are lacking support from family. I think Jill has made great suggestions and covered it but would like to back up everything she has said and add that I think its totally unreasonable for your sister to expect you to suppress your loss and hurt so that she can tell you all about her pregnancy. You are not being selfish at all in taking care of your needs (if you can express that you are not the best person to take this on that would be good), if she won’t acknowledge your feelings or see it from your point of view early on it will make a relationship going forward very difficult. Jill’s right – its all about the boundaries – and no doubt you have been doing all the giving all your life. I’m so sorry – its double losses when our families don’t see us. You are definitely not being selfish.
I never joined that community, wasn’t aware it existed. It sounds like just another exclusive mommy club.
I didn’t know about that community, but it sounds incredibly unhelpful for those living after infertility and NOT parenting. That would be incredibly frustrating. Maybe they should retitle it Parenting After Infertility to be more honest.
I’ve always wanted to rant and rave about something similar I saw on my local news a few years ago.
It was the holiday season and they did a special story for couples dealing with infertility and how to cope during the holidays. I got excited and stayed up late to watch it. They were interviewing an “infertile” couple about how painful holidays can be (as we all know so well).
I got a little leery of the story when they kept putting a picture of an ugly (and I mean ugly) baby on the screen. Turns out this “infertile” couple had been trying for a whopping 1.5 years before their first (because of course she was already pregnant again) happy ending miracle baby was born! Wow! 1.5 years! Can you imagine how horrible it is to wait that long? Well that couple can tell you just how terrible it is. I wouldn’t know. I’ve only tried for 1.5 years five times with no miracle babies.
Needless to say I went a little off the deep end that night. I screamed at the tv and passionately gave it the finger with both my hands then sobbed and yelled some more. And then again every day for the rest of the week and occasionally still.
I don’t think fertile people know what true infertility is. They just want to feel special or something.