In the very early stages of our relationship. Mr. Fab and I discovered all sorts of odd things we had in common, one of which is that we both played the trombone as teenagers. We talked about learning to play again, and we finally found a used instrument in good condition.
The main difference between a trombone and other brass instruments is that you make the notes by moving a slide up and down, rather hitting a key. It makes it a lot more difficult to hit just the right note. It’s also what makes the trombone so much fun to play, because you can slide easily from note to note, up and down and back again.
The reason I’m telling you all this is that today I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole coming-to-terms process. I’ve been thinking about it in terms of school grades, with the freshman class having just made the decision to live childfree or to stop fertility treatments, and having no idea how to start getting used to the idea. They eventually graduate to acceptance and begin to find a way to get happy, and ultimately go on to live a full and happy life without children.
But it’s really not that simple. You never really do hit all the notes precisely and in order. It’s much more like playing a trombone, where you slide from one state to the next and sometimes back again. One day, you’re content and determined to make the most of your situation, then something happens to trigger all those old emotions and you find yourself sliding back down. Then you get to talk someone who understands you and you feel like you can really figure this out…until your friend announces a pregnancy and back down you go again.
So, I’m wondering, where are you on the sliding scale of coming-to-terms? Where are you right now and have you been better or been worse? Do you feel that, even though you have setbacks, you’re slowly moving towards a place of peace, or can you see no way to ever come-to-terms with your lot in life? Or have you already been up and down the scale and have finally found a place of contentment? I’d like to know.
Wow the timing of this is crazy. I’d been feeling confident that I could get through this. This weekend my family took my nephew to Disney for the first time. I’m an annual passholder so I’m there all the time – being around kids doesn’t usually trigger me. However, I got to thinking that I’ll never have a child look at me the way a child looks at its mother. Then it went all downhill from there. I was upset for a bit – crying in the shower, trying to put on a brave face. It eventually passed, but I’ve been a bit bummed ever since. So I’d say I’m on a little slide now.
Sara;
Same happens to me…one day at a time…
I still slide up and down but not down as often as I used to and am much less bitter. Recently I found myself teasing someone at work about being a parent. I decided I was strong enough now to post about World Childless week on the work electronic noticeboard. I got a little emotional and then someone posted that they realised it might not be the right place but postws a voluminous tale about their eventually successful IVF journey anyway. I was a lot more emotional after that and after her overhearing me complain about the post in the staffroom and refusing to let the matter rest until I apologised about speaking out, incredibly stressed. I decided to tell my story on a web-site and after writing it felt a little better but am now having trouble getting it published or finding anywhere else to tell it. Down again! In the 6 years since I got off the IVF treadmill, I have realised I am much more happy being childless than I would be as a mother. Getting comfortable with that has been invaluable.
We decided about 2 months ago to at least take a break. I’m not sure if I am stopping fertility treatments all together, or just taking a few months to get my head back on straight. But it was such a difficult decision. I’ve been doing fertility treatments for 8 years now. And I have been at peace. But like others, something triggers me and I start going down the slope. I am definitely having my ups and downs. And I wonder will I ever be fully ok? Or will time just make it easier? I heard from someone that it may always be sad, but with time it won’t hurt as bad. And I have to agree.
Any type of Grief is hard to get through. Many say you never get over Grief. I tend to disagree. The intense hurt from Grief ends and you eventually get on with your life. You learn to live without your loved one, you learn to live without children. However sadness continues because we all have sadness from time to time.
If you have Grief and intense feelings, crying all the time then you are stuck in your Grief and may need help in your Grief. However triggers like Mothers Day, special days, womens circles, etc may bring sadness but you get up the next day and carry on with your life.
I have dealt with infertility for over 40 years and can testify there is life without children…Do I still get sad? yes occasionally but for the most part I am happy with the life I am given
Single 35 yr old sister in law announces to it alone ivf pregnancy today … take a guess where I’m at… 13 years after starting to try. 7 yrs after giving up on ivf . And 1 yr after rung up and told to “ support the poor thing she wants to try having a baby” . Yeah? Well wtf! Was my support !
Ok I’m more then slightly bitter today