Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It’s a zoo out there

Last weekend, Mr. Fab and I visited the Oregon Zoo. It was a beautiful day and we visited the elephants, marveled at the lions, and had a very cool, fun time hanging out in the bat house. I saw Naked Mole Rats, almost saw the critically endangered Amur Leopard, and learned why tigers have white spots on the backs of their ears. When it got too hot, we stopped in a café for a cool drink and snack, and when we’d seen enough zoo we took the MAX back to our hotel and had a pleasant afternoon nap.

If you’re still trying to reconcile the idea that you’ll never be a mother, the zoo is a hard place to visit. Kids far outnumber adults and it can be an emotional minefield with all the cute doe-eyed babies peering at you from their strollers at every turn.

On the other hand, if you’re starting to come to terms with being childfree and looking for some benefits of not having kids, I can strongly recommend a visit to the zoo. For every sweet cherub, you’ll find a red-faced bawling toddler, or a demanding preteen tapping on the glass of the chimpanzee enclosure right next to the sign that says; “Don’t tap on the glass.” Most of the parents at the zoo looked fried, as if they’d rather be anywhere else, and I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit smug, because Mr. Fab and I chose to be there, and chose exactly when we wanted to go home.

When you’re ready to look for the silver lining of being childfree, trust me, you’ll find plenty of examples, including the joy of an adult trip to the zoo.

Circumstantially Infertile

Thanks to Robin for posting this link on the LWB Facebook page.

In the Huffington Post’s new “Women” section this week, Savvy Auntie, Melanie Notkin writes about the grief and lack of empathy that comes with being “circumstantially infertile.”

Melanie always wanted to have children, but just never met the right person. She talks openly about the insensitive and sometimes cruel things people have said to her. She also makes the case that, just because someone doesn’t have children, doesn’t mean they don’t like kids or aren’t maternal.

Melanie is the author of the fun book, Savvy Auntie, that I reviewed last month, and creator of SavvyAuntie.com. I also had the pleasure of interviewing her recently. More about that soon.

Finding the Silver Lining

When human cloning becomes safe and legal, I’m cloning my mum and renting her out.

During our weekly phone conversation this weekend, the subject of my childlessness came up and I told her that I was glad I’d made the choice I did, to get off the baby crazy train and start living my life again. She understood. (Reason #1 to clone her.)

I joked that Mr. Fab and I are now free to sleep in on Sundays, travel, and more or less do what we want to do when we want to do it.

My mum said something very profound. She said that, before my father died (25 years ago) she couldn’t have ever imagined how she’d survive as a widow. And yet she did. She found the silver lining in being alone. She went back to school; she traveled overseas for the first time; she learned to fix things around the house; and she could please herself what she had for dinner. (Reason #2)

It wasn’t that her life was better without my dad; it was just different, and she kept reminding herself of the positive side of things “because you have to,” she said.

I’m not sure I’ll ever say that I’m glad I didn’t have children. I can’t say that my life is better because of it, but it is very different to the life I’d planned, and most of the time, I can find the silver lining. Thanks to my mother’s hard-earned wisdom, I’m reminded to keep looking for the silver lining, because it’s almost always there.

Book Club and 30 Day Challenge

I know I don’t usually post on Sundays, but just wanted to give a quick reminder that the Book Club is up and running on the main LWB site.

Last month we read Emily and Einstein by Linda Francis Lee. That discussion is now under way on the group forum. July’s pick is Room by Emma Donaghue. We’ll start discussing that August 1. If you’re bookily inclined, jump in any time.

And for those of you who took up last week’s 30-day challenge, how’s it going? So far I am 9 days into my own challenge to move for 30 minutes every day. I took a Zumba class this week. Very fun. Let me know how you’re doing.

Destiny’s plans for a childfree life

One of the many things I love about the internet is the ability to take a peek at happenings all over the world, hear different points of view, and experience the sensibility of different cultures. Take this article, Leading a good life without kids, for example, that appeared recently in Sri Lanka’s Daily Mirror.

As I began reading the story of Lathika, I wondered if I was reading a fairy tale.

“Lathika played with her doll, Fiona.  She loved “Playing House” and dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a family of her own one day” felt like a tame way of expressing the desire for motherhood.

When I read, “The years went by and Lathika did not mind the pain and discomfort of regular tests for her fertility for she was now desperate to have a child,” I scratched my head and started wondering what was wrong with Lathika. I have never spoken to anyone who “didn’t mind” the pain and discomfort of fertility treatments. I wondered if Lathika was some kind of Zen master (mistress?) who calmly took whatever life dealt her, or if the author of the piece was just clueless about the emotional frustration of infertility. I also wondered if perhaps Sri Lankan culture forced Lathika to put on a brave face and keep her real feelings to herself. That I could understand.

I read on about Lathika’s attempts to fill the void in her life with creative pursuits and volunteer work, and the calmness of the writing began to wash over me. I nodded my head at the quote, “Your children are not your own,” because I’ve always had that thought about the role of parents in the lives of the human beings in their care (more about this in another post, I think.)

By the end of the piece, I was touched by the message. Although I still wasn’t convinced that “we leave Lathika happy and fulfilled” in her new childfree life, I found myself catching my breath at the idea that “destiny had planned a different life path for her.”

We have an idea about what life is supposed to be like for us. We grow up, fall in love, have children, create a life for ourselves, and live to see our grandchildren become adults and create their own lives. But we all know that life isn’t as clean cut as that.

Maybe destiny has planned a different life path for us, too. Perhaps we can’t see what that path is yet, but like Lathika, I feel strangely comforted by the idea that a different, maybe even better life could be ahead for me because I don’t have children.

Who Are You?

It’s interesting to look back on my journey and see all the people I’ve been over the past seven or so years.

I’ve been a woman who expected to be a mother and wanted a baby with the man I loved; then I became a crazed mama-wannabe, desperately trying to solve the mystery of my infertility and looking for a way to get what I wanted.

I’ve been through a phase of realizing that children weren’t going to be a part of my future, but not being able to quite let go of that dream. After that, I entered a phase of acceptance, where I knew I had to get through this and move on, but I didn’t know how.

There was a period of wondering what I was going to do and who I was going to be if I wasn’t going to be a mom, and finally, I came to the phase I’m in now. I am a childfree woman, accepting and even embracing this new life, not apologizing for my infertility or my choices, and moving on to enjoy a life I couldn’t have had if I’d had children to care for.

I never imagined I would get to this place, mainly because I never expected I’d need to, but here I am, and do you know what? It’s not bad here. In fact, I think this childfree life is growing on me.

I know that some of you are at or near this place, but others are still struggling to come to terms with not having the children you always dreamed of. So, I’m curious to know: Who are you?

Are you a newbie, trying to reconcile the idea that you won’t have children and maybe not even sure you’ll ever come to terms? Maybe news of a new treatment, or a friend’s new baby triggers all the old desires and keeps that “what if?” hope alive.

Are you coming-to terms? Have you accepted the idea of being childfree, but just need to figure out how to be okay with that decision? Are you making progress some days, and taking several steps back others? Are you still struggling with other people’s babies and finding your place in your family and community?

Are you moving on? Have you reconciled your loss, accepted your lot in life, and are ready to start a new chapter of your life? Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, but you know (at least most days) that you’re going to be okay not having children?

Please take a second to tell me who you are in the poll below. Let me know in the comments if you think these categories are accurate or if you fit into an entirely different category all together. My goal in doing this is to make sure I post information that covers all the categories, so that this blog is useful, whoever you are.

[polldaddy poll=5210879]

It Got Me Thinking…About Lies

Guest post by Kathleen Guthrie

After years of living with cracked tiles, a door that popped open at awkward moments, faucets that never completely turned off, and circa-1970 nonslip floor stickers, we finally remodeled our decrepit shower. The gentleman who did the work did an excellent job. His sales rep, hmmm, not so much: “It will be easy! It will be clean! We can do it all in a day!” I’m still finding dust and debris in odd places, and “Joe” (I’m not using his real name, ’cuz that’s not cool) was here for an exhausting 10.5 hours the first day, then returned for another 2.5 hours the next morning.

About three hours into it, Joe said to me in exasperation, “I don’t know why they tell customers we can do it in a day. These things always take at least a day and a half or two.”

Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier if the sales rep has just been honest? We could have planned ahead for two days of showering at the gym. Instead of having to cancel at the last minute, I could have scheduled meetings on different days. It certainly would have been easier on Joe, who had to bump other service calls and muck up other people’s busy lives.

And that got me thinking about other big lies I’ve heard in my life. A whopper came when I was a teenager and was experiencing debilitating menstrual cramps. My doctor, a very sweet man, said to me, “This is good. It will prepare you for childbirth so that labor pains will be a breeze.” I held onto his promise for the next 30 years while waiting to have my baby and experience the miracle of pain-free birthing. It’s not his fault that I didn’t get to have children. But I look back and wish someone had been straight with me, saying something like: “Don’t plan your dreams around the possibility of being a mom, because it might not happen. And these agonizing cramps? Yeah, they suck and life isn’t fair. Fill this prescription for pain killers and get over yourself.”

I know many of you have heard “I can make you pregnant!” “This procedure will work!” “It’s the miracle cure that will give you the baby you want!” But I wonder this: Would it have been any easier if someone had told us the truth upfront? Would we have listened and really heard it?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.

Happy 4th of July

It always tickles me as a Brit to be celebrating America’s independence from my people, but hey, you can’t stop progress.

This year I will be watching the rocket’s red glare over my state’s capitol building (assuming the California budget will stretch to it this year.)

Then I am taking my show on the road to talk about my book, infertility, and the ups and downs of being childfree-not-by-choice.

If you happen to be in Sacramento I will be talking to Guy Farris on Sacramento & Company on Tuesday morning’s show, 9:00 a.m. Channel 10.

On Wednesday, I’ll be talking to Shannon Sanford on WTBQ in New Jersey (airing Saturday, I think.)

Then on Thursday, I’ll be talking live with Kim Iverson on her show that airs in all these fabulous places:

AUSTIN – KAMX (7pm-Midnight)
BUFFALO – WTSS (7pm-Midnight)
DENVER – KALC (7pm-Midnight)
INDIANAPOLIS – WZPL (7pm-Midnight)

MILWAUKEE – WMYX (7pm-Midnight)
MEMPHIS – WMC-FM (7pm-Midnight)
NORFOLK- WPTE (7pm-Midnight)
PORTLAND – KRSK (7pm-Midnight)
WICHITA- KFBZ (6pm-11pm)

If you get the chance, please tune in. I will post links when I can.

For now, whether you’re celebrating 4th July, Canada Day, or having a normal Monday (or Tuesday for our Oceanic friends), have a safe and happy 4th of July.

P.S. Kathleen’s regular Monday “It Got Me Thinking…” column will post tomorrow.

Meeting New People

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting one of my readers in person!! It was so much fun.

At first it was a little strange, because the only thing we knew we had in common was our infertility and we both knew that the topic would come up, which it did. I learned something new about my own diagnosis from her experience. It was something my own doctors had never told me and, while it doesn’t change my prognosis, it helped me to put another piece of the puzzle in place, and make sense of what happened to me.

We also talked about food, shopping, and Los Angeles, and discovered a mutual love of travel. I left our lunch feeling as if I’d found a new friend and I hope that she felt the same way.

Our childlessness does not define us and it is only a small part of who we are, but my own experience has been that my childfree status is what connects me to someone initially and affords me the opportunity to find out what else we have in common.

We have a dynamic community of women here from all over the world and all walks of life – and with a broad range of interests. I urge you to use the common denominator to find friends with other interests – and avoid have that awkward “do you have kids” question.

On the main site you’ll already find writers, readers, gardeners, pet lovers, and cooks. You’ll find groups in Canada, California, and Texas, too. But is you’re interested in scuba diving, crafting, decorating, or belly dancing; entomology, etymology, archaeology, or theology; philanthropy, mythology, philately, or newts, start a group! Make a connection. Find something else to talk about. You may even find a new friend.

Airline bans first class babies

Malaysian Airlines announced this week that they would ban babies from flying first class and that their new fleet of airbus A380s would not be equipped with bassinets in the first class compartment.

According to a related article in the Britain’s The Globe and Mail, a recent poll showed that 70% of first class travelers cited crying babies as the number one annoyance when flying. I think this is true for passengers in all classes, but tossing the babies back into the cheap seats is a bit like the king emptying his chamber pot on the peasants. Nobody wants to spend 10 hours cooped up next to a screaming infant or a belligerent toddler – not even the parents!

I don’t think banning babies from any part of the aircraft (except the cockpit, of course) is the solution. Most parents I’ve seen wrestling with young children on flights want some peace and quiet just as much as the people around them and most are doing the best they can to make that happen.

Wouldn’t a better solution be to create a “kid zone” where children can have a little more flexibility to be children, without being glared at by the other passengers?

I think I will put this out to some of my mom friends and get their opinion. I just don’t think that a baby ban is the solution.