Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Confessions of A Childless Daughter

I have a confession to make.

My mother doesn’t know about this site.

She’s just now finding her way around the Internet, so it’s probably only a matter of time before she finds me. I’ve even sent her and e-mail with the link in my signature, but either she hasn’t twigged on, or she’s too polite to mention it.

When I was back home in England this past May, I promised my friend that I would tell my mum about my blog, but even when she asked what I was working on, I chickened out. It’s like being 14 again and trying to pluck up the guts to tell her I’ve been invited to a party with a boy.

But I’m not 14; I’m 40, so why can’t I tell my own mother about something I’m really proud of—this website?

Do any of you suffer from being unable to talk about yourself, your work, or your childlessness, even to people you trust?

A Very Bon Voyage

I’m getting ready to go on vacation. (Hurray!) I have plane tickets and hotel reservations.  And that’s about it. The night before we leave, we’ll throw what we think we need into a suitcase, add half a dozen books, and go. The details of our trip, i.e. how we’re going to get around between our various destinations, where we’ll eat, what we’ll do, will all unfold in good time. Right now, I’m too tired to fuss with those kinds of details. If there’s something important we’ve forgotten to pack, we’ll buy it when we get there (the reason I own a large collection of phone chargers and power adaptors.) Passport, credit card, phone–all we really need.

It’s this kind of loosey-goosey traveling that make me appreciate not having children.

Friends Who Said the Right Thing

“Just ride your husband like the stallion he is, then flip over like a dead bug.”

“Oh, get IVF. Just do it.”

“My friends just adopted from Guatemala; I’ll have them call you.”

There never seems to be a shortage of people with “helpful,” and usually unsolicited, advice that can send us reeling off with our backs up and our feelings hurt. The above quotes are taken directly from my own experience as I was dealing with infertility. All were from people who cared and wanted to help, and every single one hurt. But what about people who say the right thing?

For every person that said something hurtful, the were two more who said something kind (or sometimes just said nothing at all.) One friend who stands out is the woman who quietly confided that she and her husband had experienced similar issues and come to a decision. “We decided that we were already a family,” she told me. “We were just a family of two.” Her words really made me think about what it was I was questing for and eventually I came to the same conclusion that I was also happy with the family I already had—my husband and my cat.

Who are the people who said exactly the right thing at the right time to you?

The Shame of Childlessness

Recently, a friend confided that shame plays a big part in her life because of her childlessness. She told me:

“I think my Mom is embarrassed that I never had children, especially since there is “no good reason” why I didn’t.   It somehow reflects on her–her nurturing, her mothering skills, etc.  Instead of seeing it purely as my choice, there is a negative connotation for choosing not to have kids.  I think it is the same negative aspersion put on women who never marry. What is wrong with her?”

If you’re childless-by-choice, have you experienced this kind of shame? Are your family and friends supportive of your decision?   What about if you’re childless-not-by choice? Does shame play a role in your life too?

Your Amazing Childfree Life

Recently, I had a revelation. I’m not going to have children. Big news, I know, but the real revelation came in the idea that, if I wasn’t going to be a mother, I must be destined for something even greater.

I have several friends who have big dreams. One has a natural ability for spotting new musical talent, another would love to quit her accounting job and become a landscape architect, and at least two others would love to go back to school and earn their degrees. But they all have children and their obligations prevent them from following their hearts. For some, their dreams are on hold for now, but for some, they’re on hold forever.

We don’t have those obligations. Yes, we have bills, partners, jobs, and assorted other things we have to do, but we don’t have other human beings relying on us for food and shelter. In a lot of ways, it’s very freeing.

Several of you have already made a leap in your life and gone back to school or changed careers, but let me ask you: If you could be or do anything you wanted, what would you do? And if you’re not going to have children, are those things now a real possibility?

Dealing With: Do You Have Kids?

Last weekend I was invited to a dinner party along with some people I’d never met before. There were five couples, including us, four of whom had children, so I knew that at some point in the evening, someone would ask the question: Do you have kids?

In the past I would have squirmed and mumbled something apologetic, such as, “Um, no, unfortunately not,” and been given the “ah, poor thing” look. But thanks to you, dear readers, I was armed and dangerous this time.

When the woman asked me, I smiled and said, “I have a cat and a fish.”

She did give me a look, but not the sympathy look. She was utterly bewildered for a moment, repeated “a cat and a fish” with no question mark, and when I didn’t elaborate, she promptly changed the subject.

It was great!! So great that I’m seriously considering keeping photos of both my cat and my goldfish in my wallet so that I can whip them out and proudly show them off next time anyone asks.

So, thank you for all the ideas about how to handle this sticky situation. If you have more suggestions of how to answer the dreaded question, please keep them coming.

Dealing With a Pregnancy Announcement

Here’s an article I wish I’d found a long time ago. It’s about how to deal with a friend (or relative) announcing a pregnancy. If you’re childless-not-by-choice, this kind of news can trigger some of the worst human emotions—jealousy, rage, feelings of injustice, and worse. I know I’ve thought, (or maybe even said) “It’s not fair. Why her? Why not me?” It’s a terrible thing to think about someone you like or care about.

I like this article because the author turns it around and makes the news not about “me and her” but about the friendship and what the news will mean to both of you. She says:

A friend’s pregnancy may arrive like a bolt from the blue, but once you’ve caught your breath you can use this new event as an opportunity to think more purposefully about what you need and can offer in a friendship. Remember to keep the emphasis on mutuality, on open communication and also on expanding your friendship network in new ways.

Yesterday I got the news through the grapevine that a friend I’ve known for more than 30 years is pregnant. She struggled with infertility, gave up, lost a relationship, and finally settled into a new life with a new partner, who is already a father of two, and accepted that she would never have children of her own. Surprise! Suddenly she’s pregnant.

At one time, this news would have set me off on a personal rampage against the Universe, but when my husband tentatively asked me how I felt, I replied with all honesty that I was happy for her because I know she wanted this, that I was worried about her because of the potential health problems she might have, and that I was concerned about her mental state having finally come to terms with her infertility and started building a life without children. What I want to do now is contact her, congratulate her, and offer whatever support I can from across the other side of the world. I want my friend to be okay. That’s a far cry from the teeth-gnashing banshee I might have turned into a few years ago. I’m calling this progress.

Best Mothers Who Never Had Children

Oh, how I wish I’d found this article closer to Mother’s Day. What a great and inspiring list of incredible women this is.

If you ever find yourself having those feelings of being incomplete because you’re not a mother, take a look at this list and ask yourself whether these women made a difference. I’d say that they did…and then some.

Kids (Not) Welcome

I’m in the middle of booking our summer vacation, so I’m partly excited to be escaping and partly frazzled from searching site after site coordinating flights, multiple accommodations, car rental, and ferries, and trying to match them with my husband’s and my calendars. But we’re going, and that’s all that matters.

We want to mix some city sight-seeing with a few days in a cottage, away from everything, somewhere where we can pad to the kitchen for coffee in our PJs and sit on our own balcony looking out at a view and not much else.

I found some great places, but there were a couple that were absolutely ideal, except for one thing: Kids Welcome! Any place that had “family-friendly” or “babysitting service” listed in their amenities was immediately struck off the list.

Part of my decision may be because “peacefulness” and “kids” don’t generally go together. I don’t want to risk showing up and finding someone else’s family playing Frisbee outside my window. I want to spend my vacation with my husband; I don’t want to spend it with other people’s kids. And because I don’t have kids of my own, I don’t have to. Peace and quiet, here we come.

Magazine for Non-Moms II

Last week a great discussion ensued about the lack of magazines for women who don’t have children. A number of people bemoaned the fact that women’s magazines are either focused on fashion and dating or kids, and that many of us have stopped reading them because we can’t relate to the stories.

So, let’s play make-believe. Let’s pretend we have unlimited resources to start a magazine aimed at women who don’t have (or don’t want to talk solely about) children. What would it contain? What kinds of stories would interest you? What issues do you want to read about? What are subjects would you like to see covered?

And finally, what would you call the magazine?

Have fun with this. You never know, Oprah could be watching.