Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About the Many Colors of Grief

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

IGMTAmong the offerings in Lists of Note: An Eclectic Collection Deserving of a Wider Audience compiled by Shaun Usher* is Walt Whitman’s list of terms related to grief and mourning. Here’s a sampling:

  • sorrow
  • melancholy
  • heavy-hearted
  • wailing
  • lamenting
  • eloquent silence
  • anguish
  • afflicted with grief
  • passionate regret
  • downcast
  • full of pity
  • partial or total darkness
  • soul sunk in gloom
  • dejection

I can check off more than a few, and I suspect you can too. We are a rare community in that we have all experienced grief in some form, often silently and in isolation.

As I was reflecting on how many words there are for grief, I thought about how there are also many expressions of grief. You might lose your appetite, or binge on comfort foods. You might sob uncontrollably, go numb, or feel ready to explode from rage. Some days you’ll want to hide under the sheets and sleep away the pain, or you’ll exhaust yourself with busy work. You might even experience the full spectrum of feelings in a single day. What I hope you also know by being part of the Life Without Baby community is that grieving a loss such as ours is normal and you are not alone.

If today is a rough day for you in which you feel bereft (my contribution to the list) or otherwise “afflicted with grief”, please reach out through the Comments or the various Forums. If you need more insight and guidance, order a copy of Lisa’s book, Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen. The sections on grieving are real, raw, and ultimately, I think, encouraging. If you need more, please ask for help. Find a therapist, minister, or close confidante, and unburden your heart. Please be open to receiving the love and support you so deserve.

*The rest of the book is fascinating, and a lot more fun, by the way. Check it out on Amazon. 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Guest Post: Why Not Me?

By Quasi-Momma

As I try to accept being childless not by choice, there are moments when I am overcome with small torrents of grief and anger.  It usually is precipitated by the thought of someone who is currently pregnant followed by a white hot flash.  For a brief moment, I’m rocked by different waves of emotion:  there’s longing and sadness (of course), but there’s also a very strong feeling of indignation.

It doesn’t seem to matter who I am thinking about either – it could be a person who has been nothing but horrible to me, someone who has suffered losses like I have, or someone I barely know – the intensity of the feeling, the longing, and the burning is the same.

The indignation confuses me.  The very strong sense of “why them and not me?” throws me for a loop.   Why the person who has treated me unkindly, the person who already has been blessed, or the person who manipulates and abuses her children?   I could float away for days on a sea of anger that arises from such thoughts.

I know that I have the right to feel anger about my situation, but at some point it seems like a futile exercise.  It certainly isn’t going to change my situation.  It just overtakes me for a minute, leaving me feeling a little more depleted once it passes.

In an attempt to make sense of confusing situations, I like to listen to podcasts while I work.  However, there are very few out there that deal with CNBC or pregnancy loss.  So one day, I ended up settling on a Christian podcast relating to grief from child loss.  The podcast was an interview with singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth. The couple had lost one of their adopted daughters when she was run over in their driveway.   It was very hard to listen to them lovingly describe the joy she brought to them and the pain, confusion, and guilt the family dealt with after her death.

At one point, the subject of feeling angry about their loss came up.  Did they ever wonder why this happened to them? To which they calmly replied, “Why not us?”   I was floored by this response.  In it was a level of humility, grace and acceptance that I had never witnessed before.

The question of “Why NOT me?” is an interesting one (and a bit of a difficult one) to consider when unresolved feelings rear their ugly heads.  What is it that I possess that enables me to endure this versus someone else?  How can I take this and make this something for the better?  What does this serve: not only for me, but for others?

I’ve been exploring the idea of the importance of purpose in life.  Until recently, I thought that my purpose would be fulfilled in motherhood.    Now, I know it must be something different.   I think that all this anger, burning, and pain must be used as a catalyst to keep pushing me to explore until my actual purpose is found.

What about you, ladies?  How does “Why NOT me?” impact you?

Quasi-Momma is living a childless, but not childfree, life as a stepmom.  Her blog, Quasi-Momma, is a collection of her reflections on pregnancy loss, childlessness not by choice, and not-so-blended family life sprinkled with a little gratitude and lot of heart.  

Whiny Wednesday: Parenting Radar

I’m whining at myself today and the bad attitude I’ve developed towards parents, or more precisely, towards parenting.

Listening to the radio on Sunday morning, I heard an interview with a author who’d written a book about parenting in France. She was saying how “amazed” she was to see French children sitting quietly at the dining room table, eating what was put in front of them, and entertaining themselves for hours with a simple toy.

In a second, my mind flashed through all the times I’d witnessed “bad American parents” and their out-of-control offspring, and before I knew it I was off, stomping around the house spitting vitriol at the radio and the poor unsuspecting author (who, fortunately couldn’t hear me.)

But my husband heard me, and gave me one of his, “Oh, no, where can I hide before she turns on me” looks. It was enough to cool my jets, stop for a while and listen quietly to what the (very nice) author had to say.

I apologized to my husband, and skulked off to have a talk with myself and try to figure out where this ire comes from, when it comes. It doesn’t come often, not any more, but it does come, boy, does it come with a vengeance.

I don’t hate parents (I’ve had two of my own and they were great) and I don’t resent parents, I don’t think, but this anger is hiding inside me somewhere, and when it bubbles up, it scares the heck out of me…not to  mention my poor husband.

Anyway, it’s Whiny Wednesday today, so now’s a good time to let your anger out to play for a while.