Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Not So Private Anymore

I am a very private person.

 

I laughed when I told this to Pamela last week, doubly so when she told me that she was too. But it’s true. I don’t tend to wear my heart on my sleeve or share the private aspects of my life, sometimes even with my closest friends. I like to keep things to myself.

 

However, last night I attended the official launch party for my book. It was so much fun to mill around the room, talking to people and signing copies of my book, that somehow, in the thrill of the celebration, I managed to overlook the fact that all these people will now know the most intimate details of my life, my body, and my relationships.

 

But there; it’s done; it’s out there for everyone and his dog to know!

 

They say that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think that’s true. Infertility wasn’t something I ever wanted to deal with and in many ways I didn’t deal with it when it was happening to me. I didn’t confide much in friends or seek help elsewhere. I just kept it private. But the experience made me stronger and made me want to talk about it. It made me want to share the experience with other people so that they can better understand what it’s like. It’s not always comfortable, but I know it’s the the right thing to do.

 

I’m not such a private person anymore, and I’m okay with that.

 

 

IComLeavWe February 2011

I’ll say right up front here that, while I’ve been aware of the existence of Melissa Ford and her Stirrup Queens blog for a number of years, I’ve always stayed away.

One of the hardest parts of coming to terms with being childless is the constant lure of the miracle treatment. I know I’m over it, and I understand that some precise combination of yoga, asparagus, and ground yak horn is not going to fix my dodgy ovaries, but I can never help thinking what if? For this reason, I’ve steered clear of any fertility websites that are still in the TTC mode.

Regardless, I ventured over to Stirrup Queens recently and was pleasantly surprised to find that Mel now has a whole section of blogs devoted to living childfree after infertility, and that some of my favorite blogettes have their sites listed.

So, this week is IComLeaveWe, or International Comment Leaving Week, on Stirrup Queens. There’s a full explanation here:  [link] but basically, the idea is to support this community of bloggers by posting comments of five blogs every day for the week of February 21-28 (plus replying to one comment on your own blog, if you have one.)

So, in the spirit of community, I will be lurking around the blogosphere this week, catching up on what others are doing. Here is Mel’s list of blogs that are covering the “childfree after infertility” point of view. I plan to visit these and others on my own blogroll, and bring back my favorites to share.

  1. A Fresh Start
  2. Apron Strings for Emily
  3. BarrenChemist
  4. Barren, Broken, and Beginning Again
  5. (NOT) Coming to a Uterus Near You
  6. Coming2Terms
  7. Crashing, Burning, & Getting Back Up
  8. The Fertile Soul
  9. Forever Reaching
  10. La Belette Rouge
  11. Life Without Baby
  12. Making Toy Soldiers
  13. The Miss Ruby
  14. My So-Called Life
  15. my whole is greater than the sum of my parts
  16. My Words Fly Up, My Thoughts Remain Below
  17. No Kidding in NZ
  18. Plan B: Family of Two
  19. That Girl with Endo
  20. Upon Awakening…

If your blog isn’t listed, please add it here and I’ll put it on my tour.

Life and Friendship After “The Thing”

Please take a moment and contribute your opinion to this poll.

Last Saturday, I met Pamela (Silent Sorority) for the first time. We had lunch and talked. In fact we talked for so long and so easily that I forgot to collect my husband from the airport. No long-term harm done, thankfully.

Pamela and I talked about many things, but we didn’t talk about “the thing” – our infertility – even though that was the common tie that brought us together in the first place.

What we talked about mostly was the future. What’s next? Once you’ve come to terms with a life without children (no short or easy journey, I might add) where do you go next? Once you’ve found your tribe of women who aren’t going to bring their offsring into every conversation, and aren’t going to spring a surprise pregnancy on your friendship, what do you talk about, when you don’t want to keep talking about “the thing?”

Pamela and I batted around some new ideas. She talked about her view of our meeting in a post today, and also put together a poll. Please take a moment and add your two cents.

When you don’t want to talk about “the thing” anymore, what do you want to talk about?

Going to the Silence

Pamela posted this Huffington Post article yesterday and I saw it circulating around Facebook, so I’m sure many of you have seen it.

I thought it was a very intelligent and insightful piece and I was so glad the author was talking about infertility as a disease and how it’s something that needs to be talked about and better understood.

Of course, many of the comments just served to prove the author’s point that infertility is misunderstood, that it’s about so much more than selfish reproduction of oneself, and that the mental health aspects are hugely underestimated. If you decide to read the comments, be warned that they are not kind.

I read the article and I read as many of the comments as I could bear, and then I shrank down in my chair and reached for the mouse to close the article. I was upset, but I didn’t have the strength to add to the discussion. I didn’t want to get involved. I just wanted the whole thing to go away and leave me alone.

I’ve been feeling this way all week, which is why my posts have been creeping in mid-morning, instead of at 6:00 a.m. sharp. Because this week, I’m one of those women mentioned in the article who doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to announce my infertility to the world; I don’t want to have to defend myself against people who would rather say something spiteful than engage their brains and think beyond their own little worlds for just a minute. I don’t want to speak up.

Taped to my computer screen is a quote by Amy Goodman. It says, “Go to where the silence is and say something.” It’s the mantra I use to remind myself to push the writing envelope and dare to say something that hasn’t been said before. I try to do that when I write, but it’s uncomfortable and painful, and just plain easier to not do it.

But the quote applies to my infertility too. It’s painful and uncomfortable to talk about it, and it’s so much easier to stay quiet and say nothing. But there is a silence out there and it’s damaging. As long as we stay quiet, the stigma, the misunderstanding, and the hurtful comments will prevail.

I didn’t want to, but I left a comment on the Huffington Post article and I’m reposting the article here. It’s not much, but it’s my way of going to where the silence is and speaking up until we are heard.

A Fresh Start

Tomorrow I am relocating to the opposite end of the state and I’m suffering from a bit of mover’s melancholy. This week I went to my local farmer’s market and bought my favorite things for the last time, I ran with the friends I will never see again, and I stood in my garden looking at the flowers that will surely die without me.

Ok, so that’s a bit dramatic and in actual fact, our move is only temporary and really just a change of base camps. We’ve been living in two places for almost a year now, based in the south and traveling to the north for work, and all we’re doing is moving my office and the cat, and reversing the travel direction. But still, I already miss my home.

Despite this, I think the move will be good for us. It’s going to be another fresh start.  We’ve had several fresh starts in the past few years – particularly at the various milestones of our infertility journey – and this is another one of those. Getting the book out into the world was another milestone, a kind of release of the story, a letting go, and it seems to warrant some symbolic marking of the end of one thing and the beginning of something else. The move will accomplish that.

I’m a big fan of fresh starts. I think sometimes we get bogged down with our norm and keep trying to solve the same old issues over and over, when sometimes we just need to get off the tracks and do something else for a while. Even a small change in the daily routine can mix things up a bit and give us a new perspective.

So, despite my sadness at leaving the familiar behind, I’m very much looking forward to my fresh start.

Valentine’s Week Blog Tour

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I’m planning a trip. I won’t be heading off somewhere tropical with my sweetheart, though; instead, I’m taking a virtual tour of some of my favorite childless/childfree/non-mom/cool women blogs.

For the whole week of February 14th, I’ll be popping up on other people blogs for interviews, Q&A’s, and podcasts. I’ll be talking about the pros and cons of the childfree life as well as some of difficulties of coming to terms with that life. There’ll be contests and prizes and who knows what other fun stuff.

The idea is to connect as many related blogs as possible and introduce readers of all the blogs to each other’s. No idea if it’s going to work, but I’m looking forward to the adventure.

Right now I’m compiling a list of stops, so if you have a favorite blog (and yes, nominating your own blog is perfectly okay) post a link in the comments and I’ll add it to the list.

Now I just need to figure out how to get bumper stickers to show off all the places I’ve been.

Expressing Motherhood

Last week my friend Holly invited me to go and see her performance in a show in Hollywood. “I totally understand if you don’t want to come,” she said, “considering the topic.”

The show is called Expressing Motherhood and is advertised as “the national, sold out, on-going play, consisting of moms sharing stories about motherhood.”

She was right, considering the topic, I did not want to go. I could think of few worse ways to spend a perfectly good weekend night than listening to moms babbling on about how hard or how beautiful, or how life-changing, personality-altering, amazingly incredible being a mom is for them. I could picture myself sitting there yelling, “Cry me a river, ladies!” as some mom bemoaned her sleepless nights. Even worse was the fear of dredging up all those emotions I’ve worked so hard to get in line, and having to be carried in a flood of tears from the theatre.

Needless to say, I politely declined the invitation and Holly understood.

But earlier this week, I had a change of heart. As I’ve been telling friends about my book, I’ve realized just how many people who have been with me through the whole journey and have been so supportive and encouraging.

Holly is one of those people.

She listened to my woes when I was trying to get pregnant and she encouraged me when I decided to write the book. She even had the guts to come and tell me face-to-face, and with tact and consideration for my feelings, that she was pregnant when she knew I was not. If I was going to be standing on a stage talking about not being a mother, Holly would be sitting in the audience, whistling with her fingers stuck in her mouth.

So I sucked it up – woman’d up, if you like – and bought a ticket for Friday night’s show. I’m going on my own, so I won’t have anyone to embarrass if I do have to be carried out, and I’m going to support my friend.

I can’t say it’s not without some trepidation that I will make the drive up to Hollywood tomorrow, but if nothing else, it will be an interesting experiment, and you can be sure that I’ll report in!

It Got Me Thinking…About Privacy

By Kathleen Guthrie

Earlier this week I wrote about inappropriate chitchat, and my heart breaks over the comments (several came offline). Readers shared some of the horrible, though possibly well-intentioned, things people have said to them that added salt to the already devastating wounds of infertility.

“When are you going to have kids?”

“So which one of you is the reason you can’t have children?”

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

We’ve all heard variations on this theme, and I don’t know if it ever gets easier to come up with an appropriate response. The bigger issue I think we haven’t yet discussed is when—if ever—to tell people, and who we should tell, versus our right to privacy.

How are you handling this? Did you break the news to a few key people, expecting them to spread the message down the line? Did you tell just close family and friends, hoping to gain their support? Did you include a paragraph in your annual holiday newsletter? Or have you kept it to yourself?

Speaking of privacy, if you’re uncomfortable openly posting your thoughts or concerns on the blog, there are members-only discussions going on in the forums. You’ll find comfort, compassion, empathy, and support here. I hope you’ll reach out. Meanwhile, consider yourself cyber-hugged.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She believes “Life is what happens when you’ve made other plans.”

Whiny Wednesday: No Running Away

In Time to Lose My “Baby” Fat recently, I mentioned my campaign to get back in shape. As of Monday, I am in training to participate (note I didn’t say “compete”) in a local sprint triathlon. As my bike is in need of repair, I decided I’d look for a spin class until it’s fixed. I Googled my hometown and “Cycle class” and, lo and behold, up popped the fertility clinic where I spent so many fun hours. Apparently “cycle” is a key word there.

Sometimes it seems that you can run (or bike or swim) but you just can’t hide.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. Bring it on, ladies.

Are Bank Loans for IVF Ethical?

I thought long and hard before deciding to post on this topic today. To say it’s controversial is an understatement. But it can’t all be pretty all the time, so here goes:

 

The Bioethics Center, part of New Zealand’s University of Otago, recently posed this ethical question: “Are banks wrongfully exploiting the childless by offering and advertising loans for IVF?”

 

Apparently, ASB bank in New Zealand offers (and makes no bones about advertising) loans to pay for IVF treatments. They have produced a very emotional and persuasive commercial to promote their product. You can watch it on YouTube, but I’m warning you to do so at your own risk. This is direct-to-the-gut advertising at its best.

 

I have very mixed feelings about this subject. On the one hand, I don’t believe that IVF and other fertility treatments should only be available to the wealthy (and at anywhere from $10,000 – $20,000 a round, it’s not something that’s accessible to everyone.)

 

On the other hand, commercials like this fuel the notion that there’s always something else to try, always one more hope left, when sometimes, it’s just time to stop. It targets people when they are at their most vulnerable. In the banking world, they call that a predatory loan.

 

So the question I’m posing to you is this: is it ethical for a bank to offer and advertise loans to pay for IVF?

 

I’ll look forward to hearing your opinions.