I recently stumbled upon the Childless by Marriage blog. Author, Sue Lick, married a man who already had children and didn’t want more. She understands that she made a choice and is largely happy with her decision, but is still coming to terms with being childfree, and the hole that has left.
I know that some of you fall into this category, so I thought I’d share her blog here.
Last week, she posted about childlessness from the man’s perspective and included a link to Him+17, a blog written by a man who married a woman 17 years his senior and was unable to have children. The author of that blog responded to Sue’s post and I found his comments insightful. He says:
“The struggle, I find, is understanding the various shades of my reactions to childlessness. Likely, this is an ongoing, never-ending effort. There’s the honest grief that I’d have loved to bring forth a child with my wife, watch the baby grow, and then enjoy (I would hope) a subsequent friendship with the adult who I helped make. There’s also the part of me that just feels plain left out in a societal, cultural way. At family events, with friends who have children, I’m partly the odd one out.”
Ah, yes, I’m all too familiar with those reactions, but here’s what he went on to say:
“Of course, everyone feels left out in some way: the family that only had daughters or only sons, the man or woman who never married. Perhaps people with kids sometimes look at my wife and I and think, ‘We could have had a life as free as theirs.’”
Although I know that thought offers little comfort, this does go back to a comment loribeth made on this blog a while ago. She said, “Everyone has holes in their lives; mine just happens to be child-shaped.” I think about that comment often.
Him+17 goes on to say:
“I’m missing something; I’m not sure exactly what. I’ve tried to fill that gap by spending time with young people, by being a mentor through teaching and as a volunteer with Big Brothers. It helps, but truly, I’ll never understand on the most fundamental level what it means to love one’s own child. As I age, as I learn to live with the reality, this reality remains a grief, sometimes sharper, sometimes less so. I suspect it will never fade and never become something to which I grow accustomed.”
Sadly, I think he’s right. From my own perspective, I have come-to-terms with the fact that I’ll never have children; I can even write a short list of reasons why my life is better without children, but I don’t think that hole in my gut will ever close up. It’s a part of who I am now, like the scar on my knee that I don’t think about most of the time, but is always there and makes one knee different from the other. My experience has changed me and, no matter how well I move on with my life, I’ll always be a little bit sadder and my sense of humor will always be a little less sharp because of it.
Wow. So true. I resonate with everything said in this article. Especially “Everyone has holes in their lives; mine just happens to be child-shaped.” Well-said and a great reminder that, even though I feel like I am the only one who feels this way, I am not. It might be for a different reason, but we all share in this feeling.
^_^
Thank you for sharing Sue Lick’s blog and Him +17 comments. I’ve been following your blog for a few months and while I’m not childless due to infertility, but by marriage, I’ve found so many of your posts insightful and helpful. I don’t have anyone in my life I can discuss this issue with and it helps to know others are experiencing similar emotions.
I love the analogy of a child-shaped hole. It so accurately depicts how I feel on many days. Thank you for giving childlessness a voice and creating a safe place to discuss it. I look forward to following Sue Lick.
Did I really say that?? (!)
I found Sue’s blog quite awhile ago. Unfortunately for some reason it doesn’t seem to update in my reader, and I often forget to go there directly to check. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you for the kind mentions of my blog, http://www.childlessbymarriage.blogspot.com. We come to childlessness in different ways, but it always leaves a hole in our lives. One woman I interviewed said having children was one of many things she hadn’t done, such as singing opera or writing a best-seller. She preferred to focus on the things she had done and the things she could still do with her life.
I lost my husband recently, which leaves an even bigger hole in my life, but we go on, right?
Lisa, I look forward to following your blog.
((HUG))
I am childless for 15 years I tried IVF, international adoption and local adoption, still empty hands. I am at a point I want to turn my life and start happily an other chapter of my life with knowning I can’t have children and maybe I don’t want them anymore but I Don’t know how to embrace this new life without feeling guilty for being selfish, and family and friends don’t help at all, they want to help but in the wrong way! They assume that forcing their children on me, or forcing their responsability as parent on me will make me feel good! They are their children, their chooses, their responsability.someone help me to be selffish
im 45 years old & always wanted to have my own kids since I was young.
I have a huge Family 9girls & 1boy
I recently married my Childhood sweetheart & he has his own kids with his ex-wife..
Most of the time he is missing his kids who’s no longer with him nor seeing then as his ex-wife not allowing him..
I feel so alone & hopeless that I can no longer give him one.. He is saying well keep trying even though he knows how old we are.. I’m also negatively thinking that one day he will be no longer mine..
Sad that I am like this .
9 Siblings