By Kathleen Guthrie
The God I know is a tough broad. She can handle anything I dish out, and over the past two decades, She’s gotten an earful: I’m ready, where is my Mr. Right?! Is your divine plan really to keep me this lonely, miserable, and broke forever? Could you be a little more specific with your instructions about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life?
I’ve made peace with most of my youthful longings. I now know the last loser I almost settled for was not worthy, and that my Mr. Right was worth the wait. I’ve accepted and embraced that this is a co-partnership, and if I’m feeling lonely, miserable, and broke, it’s my responsibility to make changes. Furthermore, I’ve discovered that the plans God had for me are beyond anything I had imagined for myself.
But there’s one bitch-session I can’t yet get past: How come that drug-abusing, child-neglecting “mother” got to have all those sweet babies and I got jack?!? How come You, the all-loving, omnipotent God of everything, has denied the prayers of so many wonderful women, has robbed them of the beauty and privileges of becoming amazing mothers?
Because, like many of you, I prayed my heart out for miracles. I begged. I negotiated. And I cursed. Maybe She has something bigger in mind for each of us, and children would have gotten in the way. I cling to that promise, trusting, hoping, believing. But there are still dark days when I just don’t get it.
Why, God? Why?
Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.
“Maybe She has something bigger in mind for each of us, and children would have gotten in the way.”… I kind of turn this around sometimes to “Be careful what you wish for…” and think maybe I’m being spared something bad.
It is as you point out extremely unfair… I don’t usually focus on the drug addicted mom with all the babies, because I think about what circumstances made that mom into what she now is, and I think about what sort of conversations those kids will have with God about the unfairness of their lives and struggles…. and I don’t think their lives are all that great, sadly…. though, yes, I guess the point is that the universe feels disproportionately out of whack when stuff like that happens. I get a bit annoyed when people get pregnant with their 3rd or 4th children while on birth control, when they get pregnant on the first try, especially when they’ve been ambivalent about wanting kids, and when they get pregnant by accident (when it wasn’t supposed to be the right time)… it just makes me contrast their hyper-fertility with my own and I feel inadequate.
I’m afraid i don’t agree with the “She has something bigger in mind….etc ”
philosophy. We are, for better or worse, the victims of our own genetics and family history. Not fair at all, true, but not part of some “divine plan” either. No God that I could believe in would purposely deny some people their selfless dreams (although i have my ranting, questioning days too). Sometimes life just sucks–it’s how we deal with it that counts. Of course, most days it’s really difficult–especially if you work around women with babies……
Amen, Sista. I hear ya all to loud and clear.
I love the way you point out, ‘…that the plans God had for me are beyond anything I had imagined for myself.”
We receive so many great gifts from God, yet it is easy to overlook them when we lament our losses. Thanks for reminding us to keep an eye out for all the good we have received in this life.
I’ve gotten mostly to the point where I don’t ask why anymore. I did it a lot. I came to the conclusion that all those people who think that “it’s God’s plan” are wrong. And sorry to say to those who got what they wanted, no God did not answer your plans, it’s just the way life worked out. God is sure happy for you, but He didn’t make it happen. In thinking that, I also focus on the concept that God shares my sorrow over my inability to have children, that He cried along with me at my miscarriages. If we think that He controls who has kids, who doesn’t – well then – He wouldn’t be a very nice God, nor a very smart one – would He? I suppose, in the end, we all believe what makes us feel comfortable.
We have to remember that at the end of the day… because of Adam and Eve… we live in a fallen, broken world… which is not at all how God intended us to have to life. So we will experience trails, storms, disappointments, illnesses… all kinds of things that will be brought upon us not by God! I don’t know if I will ever get another child. My first child was a total miracle as I was sterile and I am eternally grateful. But she came with complete and total struggle. Eight unborn losses were not of God. He was grieving with me… He was cheering for me. And I decided to keep going… through the struggles and storms… know there was no guarantee. Life isn’t about roses… it is about how we deal when life has pushed us into the rose thorns. Will we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move on? I say… that is the only path we can choose! Move forward… and trust! I’ve enjoyed reading your entries. Blessings to you!