It’s Leap Day, the day when tradition states that a woman can propose to a man…and he has to accept. If I wasn’t already married to Mr. Fab, I would snag him today. We’re going on for eight years (a record relationship for me, I might add) and despite his numerous flaws, I wouldn’t swap him for anyone, not even Leonardo DiCaprio (although I’d give it serious consideration before turning Leo down.)
We talked recently about how things might have worked out differently if we’d met sooner. Perhaps we might have been able to have children, then again, perhaps we wouldn’t. I’ll never know. But the time we spent before we met has made us the people we are today, and maybe if we’d met when we were younger, we wouldn’t have been ready for one another. Again, we’ll never know.
But my husband also acknowledges that if we’d met in a different time and place he wouldn’t have had his two children, and he wouldn’t change that for anything. So, I guess my whine for today is that I can’t begrudge him that…even if I really want to.
It is Whiny Wednesday. What’s irking you today?
My sister had a little girl about a month ago, and I’ve been trying to stay out of the dumps ever since. And then today I found out that Oprah is coming to town, and guess which one of us is going to see her! That’s right! It’s me!!
This raises a great issue Lisa. How do you cope with the fact that your husband has children and you don’t? Do you feel envious of that relationship he has at times?
We went on a strategy workshop with the whole board of directors for 1,5 days nonstop, they’re all nice people but not my day-to-day work collegues, and i was stupid enough not to prepare myself for one of the women’s pregnancy (which i’d known about before). she’s 6 months gone and behaves as if she’d recently given birth, there was NO other thing she’d talk about in between the formal discussions. I think i’ve come a long way dealing with grief and envy but she was so attention seeking with her hardly visible baby bump (well it’s quite visible because she’s overweight anyway, harhar) it just got me so angry… i think i will only be “over it” the day something like that doesn’t make me angry anymore.
Wow! I can totally relate to that. I enjoy my husband’s two daughters immensely…but sometimes I do wonder what if…
Like Christine, I’m curious how you cope with the fact that your husband has children. I often struggle with it; there are feelings that creep up at even the most unexpected times that I can’t quite explain. They just make me want to go “Waaaaaa”!
Two years ago my aunt who is a bit psychic told my mom that she was going to have another grandchild. My middle sister had three children and was done having kids, and my oldest sister who was 40 didn’t have kids and never wanted them because she “doesn’t like kids”. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for about three years and we were going through some intensive fertility treatments; so my aunt’s premonition gave us great hope. About three months after my aunt’s vision, my oldest sister called to tell me that she got pregnant…. and to twist the knife, she was perplexed that she got pregnant on the first try after her boyfriend of 6 months proposed and asked her to have a baby. I don’t think I got out of bed for three days after that call. We gave up trying about six months later. I’m trying to move on but when my sister called today to complain about how hard being a mom is….. well you can imagine…
I feel so sorry, Heather. I can understand that this is hard to stand. Can you talk to your sister and try to explain to her how you feel? To prevent this thing from happening again?
Thanks Mina… Most of the time my sisters are sensitive towards me but I think because we are so close, and they see that I’m doing well with moving forward that they forget about my loss. Maybe it’s my fault for putting on the “happy face” too often.
It’s sometimes feels like there is such a fine line between normal and whatever stage of grief I’m in. Lately it’s the angry grief and I don’t like it. :/
My whine today is that I feel like a failure and can’t seem to get out of the dumps. Failure as a woman because I can’t have children, failure as a wife because my libido has CRASHED, and I’m depressed about those two things. My husband harps on me to just BE HAPPY, DON’T WORRY, CALM DOWN, and I can’t do any of those things either. More failure, plus now I’m also sorry that I can’t be that person that he wants me to be as well. Telling me that I have it so much better than alot of people also doesn’t help. Comparing MY life without children (and sex!) to someone else’s problems is an apples to oranges comparison, which just makes me feel guilty and worse BECAUSE I’m depressed and SHOULDN”T be, according to that logic. Yes, I realize that 80% of the rest of the world are less fortunate than I am. Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it’s completely irrelevant. Isn’t it common knowlege by now that if one is depressed, one can not talk oneself out of it?! It almost seems like if I could just be by myself for awhile, left alone with my frigid, depressed, angry self, maybe I could just BE and eventually get over it. But my husband won’t just let me BE what I am right now. He wants me to BE a bunch of things that I just can’t pull off at this juncture. Shall I fake it all for you, honey? Would that be better? Fake happy, fake orgasms, fake YAY? Sorry, can’t. On top of trying to deal with all my bullshit, I have to also deal with not being able to be the person he wants me to be. I don’t want to get rid of him, I just need a BREAK from his expectations!
Angela-I know exactly where you are coming from. I’m pretty much in the same place as you. I feel like a failure as a woman, because of not having kids and a failure as a wife, because I can’t be what he wants right now. I’m having a really hard time not blaming him too, because our issue with infertility is with him. It was hard going through the 2 rounds of IVF we did constantly hearing the doctors say that if we would just be willing to use donor sperm, we could have as many kids as we wanted. While I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea, he was. I couldn’t just ignore his feelings, because then he would not only resent me, but probably the kids it produced too. I just wish he wouldn’t ignore my feelings now, and let me grieve the way I need to.
Tell your husband in no uncertain terms what you’ve just told us. Tell him that it’s not in your power to just change your feelings on his command. Tell him it’s not his fault but neither can you hurry up with the grieving process and depression you’re going to. Tell him that you need your time and if he’s not going to give it to you, you will need some distance. Then take that distance. Make it clear you don’t want to break the marriage, but that you need some time on your own. If he doesn’t change, go through with it.
Hubby and I have been getting excited that the end of child support was in sight. (Last payment in June.) I have never begrudged the $$, it is his child. The problem has been the ex, how she turns his daughter against us. Bio Mom has not worked for years, as they live in rural Illinois, so the 22K we pay a year is enough for them to live on. Monday night we got papers in the mail, she is suing to increase it for the last 4 months, as well as to have us pay for all of college, including room and board. We were planning to help with college, but we were never asked, just sued. So much for replacing my 2003 Honda civic. Oh well, such is life.
Angela,
You nailed it when you said, “Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it’s completely irrelevant.” There are so many things that we get logically, but we just can’t seem to get the heart going in the same direction.
When I told my therapist that the LWB community features Whiny Wednesdays, he laughed and said, “Really? Only one day a week for whining?”
Hang in there, kiddo. We’re all pulling for you!
Dorothy