Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

I am Exactly Where I Want to Be

by Tofy

So I’m outside enjoying what is going to be the start of a stunningly beautiful spring morning. As I look all around me, at my home, the beautiful pond with the ducks quacking away, and my dog by my side…  it dawns on me – I AM EXACTLY WHERE I WANT TO BE.  I am experiencing a moment in life when all my successes and all my failures are coming together to afford me this wonderfully serene spring morning.  And I wonder – would I have experienced this moment had I chosen to have children? Could it be that my life is “right” without children?

In the past, I used to wonder; what went wrong in my life, why me? Why did God decide I shouldn’t have children?  

As a rule I am a simple person. I have a very nonchalant laissez faire type personality.  I never truly longed for children, never fretted when at the peak of my fertility I chose to divorce a man I didn’t love, drive across the country to attend university to take up a new career in design. Then when most of my friends were popping out babies, I was popping out logos and print ads for design agencies.  Why?  Because at that specific moment in my life, I was right where I wanted to be.

I can’t say I entered my late thirties without a little angst about being childless.  I had finally found a man that I loved, that had the same outlook on life that I had. And for one short moment in life…we tried.  We tried to get pregnant that is.  But at forty-three, (yes, we started a little late) it was not to be.  There was no reason to look into why we weren’t getting pregnant; after all, I was premenopausal.  Looking back it was probably just because it was the right outcome for both of us.

I can’t recall exactly when it was that I chose to let go, but what I do recall is what it was that I said to myself that sealed the deal.  “What was it about being pregnant that I really wanted?”  And in that very question came the answer.  BEING PREGNANT.  I didn’t want the months of morning sickness, the sore backs and irritable moods.  I didn’t want to change a million diapers, watch my children grow out of all those designer kid clothes, or see them when they had their first heart broken by an unworthy girlfriend or boyfriend.  It wasn’t all that that I wanted, awful as that may sound.  What I wanted, at the ripe ol’ age of 44, was that moment you realize you are pregnant.  I’ve taken numerous pregnancy tests in my lifetime, just once I wanted that darn thing-a-ma-jig stick to have a plus sign!  I wanted it so badly that I even photographed the one single “ovulation stick” I ever peed on. It was so unreal to see a stick that I peed on have a big red plus sign.  It was the closest feeling I ever had to being pregnant.  But as I said, it was not to be. That’s when I realized having children was probably not for me.

So here I sit, writing this article, the ducks are still quacking in the pond and yes, my dog is still lying by my side.  Life is pretty good today. And yes, I can honestly say – I AM EXACTLY WHERE I WANT TO BE.

Tofy is a Freelance Graphic Designer. You can read more about Tofy where she writes about her passion for dogs and design.

Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing and I am glad you are where you want to be in life. I, too, have been feeling the exact same way lately. I look around at all the good and positive things happening in my life and feel, yes, finally, I am exacty where I want to be. I truly believe that there are reasons for why things happen in life. God has a plan for each of us and sometimes he knows better than we do.

  2. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I have momentary glimpses of the feeling you describe, and they feel so good.

  3. I have had these moments too. The key is figuring out how to feel like this 100% of the time.

  4. I find myself here too, been almost two years since unable to become pregnant. Amazing, the first year I never thought I was going to stop being so sad, and now I find myself more happy than sad.

  5. Lovely. I’m glad you’re right where you want to be. I think we should struggle to figure out why we’re doing things more often – and this is a great reminder.

  7. It always surprises me when I read something here that hits right on! Like, Yeah! That’s EXACTLY what I’m thinking and feeling! I never wanted to go through a pregnancy but I always imagined what I’d do when I had to tell me husband. I’d imagine the smile on his face, the pride of knowing that we did it together. That moment of pure happiness. That’s hard to replace.