Mr. Fab and I had a truly fabulous Christmas. For the first time ever, we went away, just the two of us. It was bliss, absolute bliss, and I think it’s going to become our new tradition.
On Christmas Day, we went to the zoo and treated ourselves to a behind-the-scenes tour. It really was a treat, as we got to get up close and personal with some fascinating creatures.
We almost abandoned ship, though.
When we arrived, we were mortified to find that our tour included a HUGE family of 13, including at least 8 or 9 of the most unruly, out of control kids, accompanied by a set of adults that seemed to have forgotten they had kids at all. The kids were fighting, breaking things, and completely ignoring the pretty important safety rules (such as don’t move fast in front of a cheetah as it will think you’re a juicy bit of prey and hunt you down at 70 miles per hour.)
To our dismay, when the guides split the tour group into two, our lanyards matched that of the family’s. So, we did a bit of rule breaking of our own and slipped in behind the other group. There, we followed behind a delightful family, with three lovely, well-behaved children, where we got to enjoy watching their excitement at feeding a rhino and petting a kangaroo almost as much as our own.
Pity the poor folks in the other group, though.
It’s the first Whiny Wednesday of the New Year, and I know you’ve got some leftover holiday whines. Now’s your chance to let them all out.
My whine: getting together with family over the holidays – a joy and a pain. My family is pretty great right now – no one has made any comments about our “childlessness” in years and we are thoroughly enjoying my 4 year old twin niece and nephew. My in-laws – now that’s a little bit different. I love my husband’s family, especially since we live about 800 miles away and only see them about once or twice a year. I commented to my husband a few years ago that we can always expect two subjects to come up whenever we visit – when are we coming next and some sort of discussion about us having/not having kids. And I have been right every single time.
This holiday was no different and was probably the worst so far, at least in regards to the “having kids” discussion. My husband’s family is very big and getting bigger all the time (my husband is one of 7 kids and we have 24 nieces and nephews with one more on the way; several of my husband’s siblings are foster parents too and are seemingly adopting left and right). Children are a huge part of this family and they just don’t get why we don’t “just foster or adopt” since the natural way is not going to happen. We had several discussions and comments made about this and it was obvious that the family thinks that it is something that we need to be “talked into,” like it was a choice that we made to not be able to have children. Yes, we did make a decision to not pursue other options, but we discuss the reasons every single time we visit the family. Can they not just leave well enough alone and just accept that we will not be adding to the huge host of children in that family?
I was holding one of the foster kids (a 7 month old baby, so cute) and one of my sisters-in-law said, “You just look so natural holding her.” We are told all the time that we would make great parents, we are so good with kids, etc. We love kids, we love babysitting, we enjoy being the fun aunt and uncle. But having our own kids is just not “in the cards” for us and while we are learning to accept this, the fact that our family is not even trying to accept it does not help.
The holidays wasn’t so bad… I didn’t visit family at all. instead, I volunteered at a shelter, and I visited a deaf elderly couple at a nursing home (they had no living children)- so they were very happy to have visitors!
My compliant- hard but I’ll try to explain- Struggling, going in and out of medical appointments, frightened at idea of not having children, trying to deny it all. the best friend, N, was there all through it, supporting, giving me shoulder to cry on, and laughter to release anxiety. She had said she doesn’t want children at all, considering them ‘yucky and a burden’. Well… out of the blue, on the worst week, I was very vulnerable (and she knew that)- N dropped a bombshell- that she’s 2 months pregnant (planned). Let us say I was *this close* to check out permanently.
I stopped talking with her, after we traded words (she was angry that I “refused” to give support during her pregnancy). That was last February.
now the first anniversary is coming…I find myself very vulnerable again, full of self blame, self pity, grief, weeping, the whole works.
N contacted my close friend Roni, yesterday, wanting to know whether she could get in touch with me, to talk with N again. When Roni gave me an head-up, I experienced a sensation- hard to explain, but it felt like sharp ice cold and white hot heat through my heart all at once. I told Roni, I’m not ready to talk with *this* person.
I’m like why now? what does she want? Why pick this time to see if I’d talk with her? I hadn’t slept well, I’m very tense that if I could put a coal in my mouth, it’d probably come out a diamond.
I think I would have totally joined the other group too. Sounds like you had a nice time at the zoo. I’d like to whine about my job. It’s really getting to me these days. I work in early childhood and it’s never bothered me until recently. Not sure how long I can keep putting up with other parents and their kids when I really want one of my own.
Wolfers comments jogged a few thoughts for me. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a retired priest who now lives in a nursing home. He’s a family friend of my husbands family so I know him more than I ever really known a priest. He confided that he was very lonely on Christmas and my heart broke for him. Then he admitted that “such is life when you opt for a life of celibacy”.
This helped me to remember that I’m not alone. That others struggle. Probably for years my priest friend didn’t notice the loneliness. He had a parish and plenty of families who vied for his appearance and their family gatherings. But now – retired and living in a home, not as many people see or think of him during the holidays. Me, I had my husband and our families (even if I didn’t have a child of my own).
Another point (piggy backing onto Wolfers post) is my irritation with a sister-in-law. My lack of children is due to martial issues. For years she couldn’t have children so it was a pain we shared. I believe my irritation with her started with her first child. After years of trying, she got pregnant. But she didn’t care enough to tell me. Like I wasn’t important enough of a person to know this info first hand even thought we’d talked about it many, many times. I overheard the news at a party and when I went to her to congratulate her she blew me off and acted like it wasn’t a big deal and there wasn’t any reason to tell me. I stuffed that hurt inside, chalking it up to being overly emotional.
From then on she DID find me important enough to bore me with the minute details about said baby’s bath, feeding habits, sleeping habits (or lack of). Never cared about my problems or asked how I was doing. Again, I stuffed the hurt, realizing that her life was overwhelming, new and exciting. Of course she should be celebrating her bundle of joy and not wallowing with me.
She went through the illness and death of her father, which was very sad. I supported her again and again. In the middle of it all she got pregnant again – without even trying. Of course I helped her focus on that joy, happy that she had something lovely to plan for.
That baby was born, beautiful and sweet and I celebrated that with her. Not long after I went through a horrible situation with my husband. Rock bottom, breaking point, public humiliation, the whole bit. The situation needed to happen for my husband to finally “get it”. Still it wasn’t easy picking up the pieces and I certainly could have used every bit of support I could find.
She gave me 1 email and never bothered to again ask how I was doing.
Today my marriage is thriving but children are still on the fence for a variety of reason. I’m making my peace with that. But I’m having trouble dealing with my feelings about this sister-in-law. I think I’ve finally seen her true colors. I believe I’ve always known she was this way but I ignored the one-sidedness. But now I can’t deny it. After all I’ve been through this year I simply can’t stuff that hurt anymore. I no longer care about the tiny details of her life. When she wants to complain about her husband I can’t even stay in the room. She knows very well what my martial problems have consisted of. Does she really think it’s appropriate for her to whine about her husbands very tame faults when she knows what I’m dealing with? Give me a break.
I know that I should confront these feelings but I hardly think she notices or cares how I behave. I envision a pathetic conversation where I reveal my hurt feelings and she blinks her eyes patiently, waiting to hear what the problem is. She’s THAT focused on her children that there is ZERO room for anyone else.
If I’m being fair I will note that she treats everyone the way she treats me so it’s really not personal. I guess I thought I was special to her and I’m just not. My mistake.
So Wolfers if your friend cares enough to want to talk to you – TAKE IT! It might be the peace you need right now to heal. Still, I won’t blame you for using this space to whine all you want – we deserve it.
I agree with Jennifer. My whine is family – both a joy and yes, a big pain. I am grateful to have them to share the holidays, but being the only couple without children often leaves us feeling invisible. On top of that, there is the pure selfishness of some of our family members and putting their needs first, constantly using their kids as excuses for everything. I think the idea of going away for the holidays sounds pretty good. My husband has been suggesting it for years now – maybe someday I’ll get up the nerve to actually do it.
I tried to do the “lets do our own things these holidays” and it did not work this year. Probably because I came up with the idea too late in the game like a week before Thanksgiving. This year hopefully with some more planning and foresight ahead of time we can do our own thing. I never been on holiday during the holidays seems wierd to think of such an adventure during Christmas, but I’ll (hopefully we) try it. I was so happy after the 1st was over it was exhausting but I did good with all the family kiddos around.
I must say my holidays were good this year and I don’t have much to whine about – just one thing. A friend who I used to be close to but haven’t seen much over the past 7 years until she got married and pregnant (both very quickly) at 44 with a donor egg. After that, she wanted to tell me everything about her pregnancy and baby (I still can’t figure out why she zoomed in on me). She posted on FB over Christmas that in the same year she celebrated her one year wedding anniversary and birth of her son and had the following advice to offer to everyone: “Believe.” I wanted to respond back to her post, “This is an incredibly insensitive comment to those of us who did believe and tried and still don’t have a baby and decided to move on with our lives.” My husband thought it would make me look angry and petty so I didn’t. But thankfully I can post it here!
My Whine….
As if not being able to have kids, or even adopt wasnt bad enough…. now I cant speak to them because of a jealous and bitter woman who is trying to get us to move out of town. every few years they call Social SErvices with a bogus complaint to have us investigated. This time their daughter got involved and now I’m being charged with horrible things. This is now not only costing us time and frustration but Money to defend myself agains this crap.