By SparklingRain
Much as I wish to be able to say that I am my own best advocate, sometimes other people’s words would fly into my ears and get lodged in the corners of my heart. There are also times, when against my logic, I would lie awake and think of each of these words, trying to figure out why exactly they hurt so much.
You see, I married the love of my life exactly two months before I turned 34, and this alone was enough for some people to judge me “too old to start having children”. In the subsequent 5 years of our marriage, when it was clear as day that no child was on the way/on the floor/in our arms, I built a collection of bizarre comments, proof that people can be ruthless with their words.
Here are some of the comments I have collected so far:
- From a 53 year-old female colleague: “Those not blessed with children simply do not have the capacity to handle such big responsibility. You just have to realize that and count your blessing.”
- From a 40–something brother-in-law: “So, what’s the deal here? When are you having a child? I know; you’ll wait until your hair turns white, right?”
- From 73 year-old mother-in-law (who already has 9 grandchildren from husband’s 4 siblings), on the day I got my PhD: “Of course she can finish school. She does not have children.”
- From a 33 year-old female colleague to whom I regrettably confided that we might have male factor infertility: “So have you really accepted the fact that you’ll be childless forever? Why don’t you persuade your husband to get some treatments? Oh I know, you two are too old anyway, right?”
- (Same person as no.1): “Having children at your age is just so risky; you’d better stay childless unless you want children with severe ailments.”
- From a 60-something female ob-gyn whom I saw once for a regular check-up unrelated to infertility: “Are you sure you don’t want any children? I’ve known people who, in their old age, regret not pursuing fertility treatments.”
My husband, bless him, has the clear logic not to process these kinds of comments in his brain. I have been trying to follow his example, but I don’t always succeed. I am a naturally happy person and I certainly don’t carry the world’s burden on my shoulders. However, comments like the ones above sometimes creep too far into my brain and darken my world.
I know it is up to me whether or not to let others’ ruthless words to affect me. What I didn’t know was that it might take years before I can gracefully let rude comments slide. I also suspect people will comment without thinking 99% of the time, so I will be in a dark place 99% of the time too, unless I can truly make peace with our childlessness. Which, unfortunately, is not so easy in reality.
Therefore, as for now, whenever a rude comment is thrown my way and I can handle it without punching the offender in the mouth, I allow myself to celebrate. Celebrations have so far include buying myself new lipsticks, and um, nice clothes.
Please tell me that it in time the comments will disappear/ I will grow a nice thick protective hide/ things will be okay. Meanwhile, somebody just asked whether my marriage was still intact despite the years of childlessness; I think I ought to go and buy myself a nice new bag.
SparklingRain lives with her husband and several outdoor cats in Indonesia. She blogs at “As Fictional As the Truth.”
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Went through infertility hell and a very deep depression in 2009. People say the stupidest things without realizing how painful those shards of words can be to someone hurting so very much. My skin has thickened over time, but mostly I remembered all the stupid things I said before I tried to conceive. People are sometimes just real dumbasses, and I look at them and think to myself that person has no idea the gravity of their words. And if they DO understand the gravity of their words, God help them lol, because I have a sharp tongue. And by the way I have a lovely selection of gorgeous purses and I’m going to Scotland in September. Suck on that fertiles.
LOL over your last line! You go, Kelly! 🙂
Dear SparklingRain, Thank you for sharing your story. In addition to the comments stopping (somewhat), you’re growing a somewhat thicker hide, and you’re feeling more okay with things, you will also start to discover like-minded friends. Once I started opening up about being childfree, I was stunned to discover how many of my friends had faced infertility, had multiple miscarriages, were also dealing with issues like mine. And then I found this community, LifeWithoutBaby, women just like me, even though our situations differ in the details. You are giving us such a gift by opening up and expanding the conversation. I hope you will also find friends, colleagues, and family closer to home with whom you can just be your beautiful self. Good luck!
Kathleen: I thank you too!
I am so prepared for that thicker hide – what I’m not ready to do yet is to come out about our infertility. Not even MIL or my parents know about our problem. I am so grateful to LWB and for everybody here who knows exactly what to say, and whose strength I admire. I hope your strength, and the strength of other LWB’ers here will rub off on me.
Kelly: thank-YOU!!
Kelly, you’ve given me an idea! A collection of purses! I can start that (and bags too..)
You have a PhD? Wowwww! Congratulations!!! What an accomplishment.
I am happy to report that insensitive people still say stupid things, but your reaction to them will change. I found that prayer to a loving God, talks with a good psychologist and support from communities like this were the keys I needed to find healing. I hope you find your way, too.
Please keep posting, you are a wonderful writer!
Dorothy, thank you so much! I am writing to help me cope with the situation. .can’t wait until my reaction towards insensitive people starts to change.
I remember all the comments my husband & I got while going through treatments about 5 years ago. People just don’t GET it unless they have been through it!
Even though the both of us are now okay being childless {in fact, we are really happy without children} people seem to feel the need to still say stupid things, such as “you don’t need to settle for a life without children.” Trust me, we are not settling, we are thriving. “You’re not TOO old to continue treatments.” I am only 32 years old.
I think people think they are helping, when they really are not. My skin has thickened over the past few years, to say the least.
I’m 46 and haven’t received a hurtful comment in a while. I debated for a few hours whether to post the ones I did receive that were particularly hurtful, and I’ve decided not to because I don’t want to dredge it up again. However, I wanted to say I bought myself a lot of nice things after those hurtful comments, and after receiving some very difficult news at the dr’s office. I was fortunate to have a fertility doctor located across the street from Bloomingdales — he confided in me that was no accident. It started out small (Kate Spade cosmetic bag) and as things got worse, the items got more expensive. After 5 years of trying and a miscarriage I told doc Bloomingdales was not going to cut it – that I was test driving convertibles. Anyway, my point is that we all should do whatever we need to do to feel better. And flaunting a Gucci bag in someone’s face who has been particularly mean to you sure doesn’t hurt.
Maria – oh dear, I am so gonna save for a Gucci bag. I am so gonna flaunt it in not just someone’s..but several people’s faces. And convertibles!! Good for you!!
I also have a PhD (though alas, I’m still looking for that full time job) and I know that people “think” that I don’t have children because I was too busy in school/waited too long, etc. Not true. Our problem was male factor to begin with. Sure, I’m probably too old now, but we would have been unable to conceive at 20. I’ve thrown myself into spiritual reading this year, well, really since December. Just finished the 4 agreements (which is a sort of reread, since I started, but never finished the book many years ago). Agreement one: Be Impeccable with your Word. That’s a message for the reader to practice in what they say to others and to themselves. Agreement two: Don’t Take Anything Personally. What people say to you is more about themselves, than it is about you. Unfortunately the finances are not what I wish they would be so, shopping to compensate is out. :/ But, I do believe that people are in their own heads/their own experiences when they tell you/us stupid things. One thing about going through the experience of infertility, of not getting what is so “normal”/”easy” for others to achieve, is, I find, that it has made me take things less for granted. It makes me “assume” less, and to want to make life more inclusive for others, to send a message out there that everyone’s life is valuable, independent of education, wealth, age, physical or mental impairments, with kids or without.
Hi IrisD! Thank you for sharing – I am browsing for more info about the 4 agreements (I never heard of these before..). Just like you, I notice that I do appreciate things more now – knowing that there are things I cannot have, no matter how hard I try.
This is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to people who do not understand infertility: you should NOT open your mouth to try to give advice, unless it’s requested (and even then, watch what you say). Most people, because they are able to have children naturally, take this gift for granted and therefore believe that (a) you should just be able to drop your LIFELONG dream and “just adopt”, or (b) accept in the blink of an eye that parenthood is just not meant for you. The most hurtful comments I have been the recipient of hare related to our decision to adopt; when I told my grandma that hubby and I had decided to move on with adoption, she said, “ well you know… we had friends a while back who were married for ten years… they prayed, and they eventually got their baby!”. Let’s just say that her definition of faith is very different from mine.
It eventually does get better. For me, I developed a thick armor that hurtful comments can’t penetrate 98% of the time. Some people have also learned to watch their words after saying something that drives me to flat out call them out on their ignorance. It may have come off as rude initially, but I had to protect myself and educate others, somehow.
Andrea! I want that thick armor too. I am visualizing it: it’s metal, black, shiny, but so light I can wear it everyday. May it be as powerful as yours.
I wholeheartedly endorse the “Don’t Take It Personally” thought in Iris’ response. Unless someone is being intentionally scornful or belittling, I give my advisors the courtesy of politely ignoring their comments–or I try to.
Jeopardygirl, you are so right that some comments are best to be left ignored. I remind myself to watch what I think, and whenever I catch myself thinking about a negative comment, I tell myself to think of something else instead.
I think the insensitive comments have been one of the most difficult things about our infertility that I’ve had to deal with. I hate being accused of just “giving up”, I resent being told of couples who prayed xyz and received a miracle. I hate being told we just need to accept God’s will and be happy with it (this from a mom of ten children). I think the most hurtful came from a family member. Our attempt at an international adoption failed. My past health issues prohibited us from participating. I didn’t understand, but my sister promptly chirped up and said “Oh I can totally understand why that would preclude you. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t take ____ into account.” How are comments like these helpful?
Anonymous – sending you hugs and virtual cups of calming, delicious coffee. I too think that the rude comments are sometimes more difficult to handle than the infertility itself.
People’s comments are so rude sometimes – that’s why I am so happy I found LWB and get to share with people who know exactly what I am going through.
Dear SparklingRain,
I love your nick name!
Yes, the number of stupid & mean comments does get long over the years.
I am more or less your age (39, almost 40) and have been dealing with infertility for ten years. Or actually – I was dealing with it for 8 years (10 failed IVF treatments) and now I just live it it. Target: to live happy & childless life. I am more sucessful some days then the others, but I guess I am doing pretty OK.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that in the darkest days of my infertility those remarks really really hurt me. Now my skin has gotten thicker, so it is easier (I am not saying easy).
I am looking forward to reading your blog!
Hi Klara! You’re so amazing for having been through that experience and still live happily, and at peace with yourself. To think that we’re about the same age, yet I have learnt so little about how to manage my situation – definitely have to learn from you. I am looking forward to reading your blog too!
The thing is, it does get easier. I promise. I’m nine years on, and have noticed two things.
1. Once you’re in your 40s, people don’t ask you about having children anymore.
2. You realise that the comments are all about the people who make them – their bias, their ignorance, their insensitivity, and sometimes, their own insecurities. Let them make judgements, I think now, because they’re too ignorant not to. It’s easier to let them slide off.
3. I feel confident enough in myself now to counter their statements, to point out if they’re just plain wrong, or if they’re insensitive or rude or biased against people without children.
Oops. I meant, three things!
Thank you Mali – you know I read your blog religiously, I try to copy your attitude and I am sure things will get better. “Let them make judgements” will be one of my mantras for the year.
Love your name- and your post hit the nail. Experiencing insensitive comments has to be one of the worst obstacles I have encountered so far and it’s only a year since finding out I cannot have children… I may be 42, but alas, I look very much in my early 30’s, so I still get comments on when I’d have children. I’m kinda dreading this Saturday when I’d go to a friend’s birthday party- I hadn’t seen her in 17 years, so I know there’d be a lot of friends there I hadn’t seen since high school and more- and that means probing into whether I am married or/and I have children or not..and all the questions/suggestions. I think that’s one reason why I’m taking two friends along with me, to be my buffers.
Thanks, so much for the post- it validated what we have experienced…
Wolfer – I thank you too! I hope you’ll have a good time at the party. May there be no questions or suggestions except about how to take a particular drink or cake.
My favorite was when my M.I.L told me she had been to a phychic who informed her my infertility was because I was sexually abused in a former life. I would only become fertile again with intense past life regression therapy. I wish I were kidding
No words. Just – no words!
Ricecakes – my goodness – nothing in my collection was at par with that one. I hope you had enough wine with you when MIL told you that 😐
I’m similar to Wolfers in that I look a lot younger than I am (44). This is of course a great gift until it comes to the “where are the children” comments. My favourite came only last week: “so what are you going to do to contribute to society, then?”
Illanare, I certainly don’t look young, it’s a wonder why I still get those comments. Good grief, to think that some people regard having children as a ‘contribution to society’! I for one never consider having a child as an “accomplishment”, just like having a spouse is not an accomplishment or a life objective ..or a contribution to society *shudder*
SparklingRain, I’m originally from Indo, too, so I know how tough it is over there to be surrounded by those “nosy” people.
LOVE the celebration idea! I will try it next time someone says something harsh to me. 😀 I have a cousin who lives in Jakarta and they have no kids, but they live a full life, so I think it’s possible in time not to take those words too personally anymore. I just hope that they all learn to shut their mouths as time goes by, though…I dislike ass-vices, as well.
I find that infertility journey requires lots of lessons of forgiveness – not just to those who say harsh things about us, but also forgiving ourselves whenever we feel weak/angry/sad/grief/whatever. I find that when someone says something harsh to me, I have to visualise myself letting it go over and over and over again in order to forgive the offender (like visualising myself writing the offense on a piece of paper and throwing it to the sea). After doing this lots of times, the offense gets “lighter and lighter” and it doesn’t get as dark and heavy as the first time I heard it. 🙂
I tend to try and ignore and not reply to the hurtful comments at the time, but I go home and brood over them for ages, sometimes years later. I’m fairly quiet and keep my feelings to myself, and that tends to make people think they can get away with saying whatever they like to me, they know I probably won’t answer back. But I do get immense pleasure in spending money on clothes, handbags, etc, a kind of revenge I call it!
I’d love to know if there’s a way to chat more privately online here.
Wow. Just this morning, a coworker who KNOWS that hubby and I are adopting because I cannot have children made one of those really insensitive comments. There’s a really bad smell here at the office because someone threw away food in a trash can days ago, and it hasn’t been taken out. The smell is terrible and you can smell it on one entire side of the building. So I asked this coworker if she’d asked the part-timer to take the trash out; she said she couldn’t smell anything, and then proceeded to say, “are you pregnant?”, followed by a joking laugh. Sheesh… the things people say.
Thank you for your article.Thanks Again. Awesome.
Here is a comment I have heard (I’ll bet many of you have too) in a couple of variations:
You’ve been married x years and no kids?
It is even worse when they will add “what’s wrong with you”?
My husband and I are childless by choice, which I completely understand is a very different thing. However, he is an only child and his parents are LIVID with us regarding our choice. Let me rephrase, they are livid with me, as they are convinced it is all my doing. Untrue, but that is besides the point in their view. We’ve never explained to them the reasons for our decision, for which there are many various (but none of them are their business). In any event, they love to bring up how “grandchildren are God’s greatest gift” and no person is complete until they have a child. The most recent and my personal favorite was when they were explaining to me how much his mother loves him but I could not possibly understand, as a “childless woman” a mothers’ love for her child. This is probably the 4th or 5th time they have referred to me as a “childless woman” as an insult. People are just unbelievable.