By Just Jinny
I found out some great news this weekend. One of my very good friends is finally pregnant. She and her husband have been trying and trying. So I was thrilled and over the moon to find out that it has finally happened for them.
The news also brought to light another issue. How others expect me to handle the news of another pregnancy. Dealing with infertility sort of puts you in a position of always “handling” the fact that someone else is pregnant and you are not.
My friend, bless her heart, was nearly in tears sharing her happy news with me. It’s a bittersweet thing. She didn’t want to hurt me. I get that and I love her for it. And when I shared the news with my mom I could see the concern in her eyes as well. It got me thinking about how others might expect me to react to the news that someone else is pregnant. I wanted to help other people understand what it feels like for me to deal with these emotions.
I am not the type of person to cause a scene. I’m not going to fly off the handle in anger, or in a rage, or in a sobbing heap on the floor. That’s not to say that I don’t get angry, or cry like a baby…I just usually do it in the privacy of my own home. Being constantly depressed, sad, or mad about my “condition” isn’t an option for my state of mind. For me, the only option I have is to be OKAY and to keep going. Some people might think that makes me strong. For me, it’s just my reality. I don’t break down. I don’t give up.
But, I’ve been trying to think of a proper analogy to relate how I do feel when finding out about someone being pregnant. I want other people to be able to try and understand. And I found the perfect example!
Finding out that someone else is pregnant is like having a Charlie horse. It sort of creeps up on you, and then for just a few moments the pain gets so intense that you can’t move. You think it will never go away or get better and that your world will never again be anything but you curled up in bed with that pain. But then the pain does start to lessen, and gradually it fades away until finally you feel normal again.
That is exactly what it feels like for me. Of course, I feel a little pinch in my heart. Of course, I may be a little down and pensive for a moment. It’d be weird if the news didn’t affect me somehow. But, this thing, this infertility thing, will never bring me down for good. Childless or not, I am blessed and highly favored. I have a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband, pets, family, and friends. Infertility will never, ever beat me. And any pregnancy will be celebrated as it deserves to be. Every child is a blessing, even if it’s not mine.
Just Jinny lives in the wilds of West Texas in a love cottage with her rockstar husband, two dogs, and two cats. She blogs about her daily musings at A Girl in the Real World.
dear Jinny,
thanks for your guest post.
I love your sentence: Infertility will never, ever beat me!
And yes, I agree, Every child is a blessing, even if it’s not mine.
Pregnancy announcements of my brother, sister and close friends hurt me. All those wonderful children arrived in the period between my 1st failed IVF and and my 10th failed IVF (plus one additional last year). So yes, it was really difficult time.
Now those children are aged from from 6months to 7 years. How much joy do they bring into my world! Nobody can say I don’t have children in my life. I have. They just aren’t mine.
Charlie horse–yes! That’s brilliant!
After I googled Charley Horse and figured out what it meant in my language (!), I could relate! Yes – I find that some pregnancies hurt, and some don’t bother me at all. And it’s not always the way I expect it – pregnancy announcements I thought would be painful were not, and those I thought I’d breeze through hit hard, and yes, hurt.
But the pain goes, as you say. And that’s the important thing.
I second Mali’s comment. There were some announcements that don’t do anything to me, but there were some that just hit unexpectedly hard. Those that hit hard were usually the ones that made me experience or that reminded me of “death” all over again. The death of the dream that we had of having children. And then I need to let go of the remnants of the dream once more…but anyway, if in turn this “forced exercise” would make me be better in letting go of the things I can’t have/change in general, then so be it! 😀
Kudos to you, Jinny. I admire your serenity and grace …
Charley horse! How fitting!
You’re right- there are some pregnancies that don’t affect me, while others do. I notice there’d be some days I’d notice a pregnant woman and there was nothing for me to feel, while other days, feeling sorry for myself after seeing the bump of someone- I suspect it’s very much the degree of separation in my case- who knows?
You’re right that every child is a blessing; new life to remind us that life goes on.
A woman very dear to me..almost like a sister..didn’t tell me for months that she was pregnant (we live in different states) and when she finally did,she was almost apologetic. I told her I was very happy for her..and pray she has a healthy baby. It isn’t her fault that hubby and I cannot have our own,but I admit,I still felt like I had been kicked in the gut at first. She has three children,this is her fourth. I feel sorry for myself sometimes..ok..most of the time..It just is something I deal with on a daily basis.
I can totally relate to what you are saying. In the last 5 months, 4 women in my life have announced they are expecting and two have given birth. Charlie horse is a great description for how I feel each time. Sometimes the pain from the Charlie horse is long lasting, and hard to deal with.
I am truly happy for these women in my life. Life is a gift, something I understand more than ever now. My pain however, comes from feeling sorry for myself. I want to give life but, I can’t.
I wish I knew of a way to not have that feeling of feeling sorry for myself. This feeling consumes me most of the time. It’s something others ( those not dealing with infertility issues ) don’t understand. It’s hard to talk about with others. I often feel very alone but, I’m glad I found this blog.