I just filed my taxes and once again put a big fat zero on the line for dependents.
My whine (surprisingly) isn’t that people with kids get a tax break and I don’t; it’s more to do with the IRS’s definition of “dependent.” My definition differs greatly from theirs.
That’s all I’m saying publicly on that topic, but know that I’m whining on the inside today.
It is Whiny Wednesday. What’s on your mind?
“It’s so easy–just plug it in, and it will set itself up.” Famous words from my IT guy regarding my new printer/scanner/copier/fax machine. Last week I was e-mailing jobs to myself to open at another computer to be able to print, and I’ve lost HOURS of my life going through (and in some cases repeating) the multiple steps for setting up this darn thing. First print job: massive paper jam, which required taking the machine apart to clear it. I just want to be able to work!
I’m new to this website, and appreciate it so much more than I can say. At 46, after seven years of trying to conceive, I had a terrible miscarriage last year (my only pregnancy ever in my life) and I’m still in the throws of grief. This past Monday April 15 was my due date. Instead of having my baby that day and celebrating her arrival, we buried her tiny body in a local Catholic cemetery. They have a corner of the cemetery specifically set aside for miscarried and stillborn babies. It was a heart breaking day on Monday, and I’m still in tears. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll still by crying when I’m 70 or 80 years old.
I took some time off from work to get through the last few days, and when I came back to work today, I was greeted with the ever-so-tactful question from my coworker “Why don’t you just adopt?”. So unbelievably insensitive and dismissive of the baby I’ve lost. She just wants me to swap one baby for another. I’m still in shock at the rudeness to ask such a question at this time.
I am childless not by choice. I’m amazed at women who set out to get pregnant and actually do so (like my coworker). Not that I want to judge her and others, but it seems as though fertile women take their fertility for granted. Babies come easy for them, so if I “just adopt” a baby will come easy for me too. This may not be their mindset, but it sure comes across to me that way.
I’ll be re-reading this helpful article for support today:
http://www.labeletterouge.com/2013/02/just-adopt-four-women-take-on-the-topic.html
That’s my whine for this Wednesday.
Sending you hugs and am glad you are joining the conversation. I went through a similar experience with the same insensitive comments. You will find a lot of support on this website. Best to you.
Thank you Maria. Hugs to you as well. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the insensitive comments by your co-worker. I hope this website and community can help you with your grief.
I am sorry for your loss. I know it doesn’t take away from the pain, but know that you are not alone. I don’t think that people who tell you/us to “just adopt” mean to hurt us. (Though her timing certainly made the comment even more brash.) I think, because they have not experienced infertility, they are not familiar with the sense of loss that comes with it (the loss of a biological child, the loss of an opportunity that comes to so many so easily or naturally) and most of them have also never considered adoption for themselves, never gone through the process and assume it is an easy solution to the problem of childlessness. I do not think their intent is bad, but from our state of mind, it feels highly dismissive of our loss. Big Hug to you. I hope that this pain will ease for you in time and that you will experience many, many joys in your life.
P.S. One more whiney thought… I don’t know if this is what other people imply when asking these types of questions, or if it’s my own internal voice saying “I didn’t do enough”, but I hear these words: “If you don’t have kids, it’s your own damn fault.”
These are the words I combat the most in my life. Whether they’re implied from others or internal in my head, these words weigh me down.
In time, hopefully you learn to ignore or change that voice. I wondered a lot if I did something wrong. With help, I learned this is what I have to deal with, and it has nothing to do with me as a person, its simply the way my body works. I may not like it, but I didn’t do anything to cause it or deserve it.
I had a conversation about this with DH recently. My sister-in-law had her kids in her early twenties (22 and 27). She had terrible pregnancies and had her tubes tied after my niece was born. Last year she went through the beginnings of empty nest syndrome (although my niece is now back home and commuting to college). It drove her into a deep depression. She cried because she hated being alone at home (she had never been alone, went from living with parents to living with husband to having kids within a year). She was depressed and couldn’t eat and consequently lost a lot of weight. She also had a hysterectomy, but just before this, I feel that she regretted not having another child. Now, with both her kids in serious relationships, she is looking forward to becoming a grandmother. I feel that she cannot be sympathetic to my situation and I do think she assumes it is my fault and says things that I interpret (perhaps wrongly, though I do not think so) along the lines of it being too late for me to have kids even via adoption because I’m too old to handle young children. (I’m 44). So, anyhow, I’m whining to my husband, and he says, “When people say things like this that upset you, react from above.” He meant, basically, don’t hold back on being arrogant and dismissive right back, assume that their words come from ignorance and a lack of life experience.
Damn progesterone. I have to be on both it and estrogen, because my body is worthless without ’em. So every month when I’m on the progesterone, I resent pregnant women and those with young children, times 10. I hate it…..
My whine is that we are looking for a new home and so many of them are marketed towards a family with children.. cutely decorated pink and blue rooms, swing set and playhouse in the back yard.. UGH! With there being a shortage of inventory it’s hard to avoid them. I’m a big do-it-yourself person but painting a child’s room and removing a swing set is something I will hire someone else to do.
Hi Heather,
We just bought a house ourselves, and the very first thing we did was tear down the play structure in the back yard. My amazing hubby had it done while I was cleaning up our previous residence. I hope you find your new home soon!
Dealing with time share pitches. We had a lovely vacation in Kauai, but had to sit through a sales pitch if we didn’t want to be charged an extra $125 on our Visa card. (I’m cheap so I went). The saleswoman was absolutely annoyed that we didn’t buy & felt we shouldn’t have wasted her time. Seriously, stop forcing people to go with a surcharge on their VISA – your time will be ALL yours.
Husband got official notice that he’s being made redundant. Knew it was coming, but still. It makes life harder.
My whine which I was going to try to let go but I can’t I’d an email debate I’m having with a semi-stranger. They read my blog so I can’t blog about my annoyance and we are both being respectable to one another although I’d love to lose it on them. It’s not even like I should be whining about it but its just frustrating when you don’t see eye to eye about something and that something is my personal business. Sometime I wish others would keep their opinions to themselves. On the other hand it’s nice we feel free enough to communicate respectfully with one another. BUT this is whiny Wednesday so I’ll whine about it tonight and be respectable tomorrow.
I’m late to the conversation but I didn’t get my whine until 11 p.m. last night. My husband went to dinner with a bunch of guys he knew when we were all younger and dating. They are all married and with children. Hubs wasn’t sure he wanted to go but he was pressured into it. He said they spent the whole night giving advice to one friend whose wife is pregnant and due any minute. He looked so sad when he got home and this morning. I am in a good place where I should be able to help him but nothing I said helped. I am beginning to see why nothing he said to me back then helped me either.
My whine is about a friend. She’s been a fabulous friend, especially during a time where I really needed one. Overall she is still fabulous. We share a lot of interests & our husbands get along great. She is just whines so much (I know the irony just hit me). She’s always been this way but I’ve put it off telling myself, “that is just how she is.”
I’m finally at a great point in life where I’m happy and good things are happening. I really don’t want our time together to be spoiled with her negative attitude about EVERYTHING.
This beautiful spring morning I picked her up for a mini outing and all she did was complain about the stuff she had to do later in the day, the weather that is supposed to turn crappy by the weekend. She complained about the people around us driving poorly, walking poorly. She made snarky comments about the gentleman sitting near us during lunch (who seemed to be a lonely man and not leering at us in the least). When I introduced her to another friend she pretty much blew that person off.
I spoke up and made a few comments about how this mini-outing was just a portion of my very busy day and I didn’t want to waste it by being negative. She tells me that “she doesn’t like being cranky but she can’t help it.” She mumbles and then blames it on the fact that she didn’t sleep well and seems irritated when I ask her to repeat herself. Uggg. The two hours I spent with her this morning has annoyed me to the point I’m being unproductive this afternoon.
Most annoyingly of all, she keeps talking about how her son is autistic. He’s never been diagnosed as Autistic. In fact he’s been diagnosed as being hyperactive. Next month he will be tested to rule out any other issues before they decide on a course of action to deal with the hyper-activity. He very well could be autistic, I’m not trying to belittle her. However, I don’t think that pre-labeling your kid as an autistic child helps anyone. Plus her “poor me, I have an autistic son” feels like a disservice to parents who actually are dealing with the real thing. Probably it’s most annoying because DH and I feel that a portion of the kids problem is how they discipline him (or rather don’t).
Sorry – I know that is long but I don’t wish to complain about this to anyone IRL. Had to get it off my chest.
@Lisa, my dh is doing out taxes right now as I type (the deadline here in Canada is April 30th). I don’t mind having my taxes support other people’s kids through schools & healthcare, etc., but I do resent that there are SO many tax breaks available to parents. In Canada, you get tax breaks for child care and you can even get a tax break for enrolling your kids in sports now. I think the only tax break dh & I get these days is for using our public transit passes (& that was only introduced a few years ago). Bah, humbug. :p