Next Sunday is Mother’s Day, the day that used to be all about showing appreciation to one’s own mother, but which has now become a giant mom-fest, celebrating the glory of motherhood for all mothers, and everyone’s supposed to get on board.
Well, not me. And not because I’m a bitter, jaded, non-mom, either!
Even before I had any clue that I would never become a much-lauded mother, I thought this universal celebration of motherhood was odd, kind of like celebrating a loved one’s birthday by saying “Happy Birthday!” to every stranger on the street. Surely the point of Mother’s Day was to acknowledge my mum, thank her for being a good mother, and treat her to something she’d appreciate? (Such as three bags of compost, delivered to her back garden, which is what she prefers over flowers that eventually die; she’s such the pragmatist.)
During the “infertility years” Mother’s Day was a nightmare. It felt like, for an entire month, the world was making a point of highlighting what I didn’t have, who I wasn’t, and what I would never be. When people wished me a happy Mother’s Day I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d just stare at them open mouthed, while in my head I was thinking, “Happy? What’s to be happy about? You have no idea the hurt and sadness you’ve inadvertently caused me and I have no way to make you understand.”
I think the low point of that period had to be the year Mr. Fab and I unwittingly tumbled out of bed and shuffled around the corner for breakfast at our local cafe. The servers were handing out roses to all the mothers there. When our server asked me if we had children, I shook my head. “Oh,” she said, and walked away with my rose. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so utterly desolate and ostracized in my life. After that episode, we made a point of only eating at home on Mother’s Day.
I know I’m lucky that I get to avoid all the hoopla because my mother and siblings live in a country that celebrates in a different month. I also know that many of you will be forced to go out to family events and celebrations, and put on a big smile, because the day is “about mom, not about you.”
If you need a little moral support and a plan of action to face next Sunday, please take a look at the Dealing With Social Landmines eBook. You’ll see it there on the right-hand sidebar or you can download it here.
If you’re struggling with moving on, or if you feel the need to commune with other non-moms this week, please join me tomorrow for a free video workshop, Letting Go of the Dream of Motherhood. I’ll be tackling the subject of knowing when to let go, and taking the first steps. You’ll also have the opportunity to chat with me, ask questions, and meet fellow blog readers. Even if you can’t make it live, the workshop recording will be sent out the following day so you can watch on your own time.
For now, I wish you strength this week and hope you’ll make certain to be good to yourself, too.
I had this happen to me last year at a restaurant on Mother’s Day. I am grateful for my own mother, but I dread next Sunday.
I can so relate to this post! Last year at work, I was in a room with a few male coworkers and a female coworker was leaving for the day. She looked around the room to say happy mother’s day and then said there are no mother’s here. I was so hurt and offended. A lot of people don’t realize how sensitive some of us are about mother’s day. I’ve started to feel like a mother recently to my birds and to the two babies we lost due to miscarriage. However, mother’s day continues to be a reminder of what might have been.
If this were to happen to me, I’d write a letter to the restaurant owner and make it a point to never darken his/her restaurant’s door again. What usually happens to me is people wishing me a happy MD as if it’s a general, all-inclusive holiday like Valentine’s Day or something. I guess people think that if you’re a woman you’re ergo also a mom? When an usher did this while seating me for a matinee on MD a few years ago, I wrote to the theater to explain why that sort of greeting can ruin some women’s day. I got a very nice note back from the manager for the ushers. Mostly I just try to lie low and not leave the house that day.
This has been a tough holiday for me over the last few years. About 4 or 5 years back, we were at my in-laws’ house for Mother’s Day. My sister-in-law gave out gifts to my other sister-in-law and mother-in-law, thereby completely ignoring me and the fact that I am her child’s godmother. I was pretty hurt by that. I realize that people often cannot understand our pain, but it doesn’t lessen that feeling of isolation. I think that was the last Mother’s Day we spent there. Ever since, we host a brunch at our house for our mothers and it works out beautifully. At a family occasion several years ago that took place on the day before Mother’s Day, a male family friend gave out roses to all of the mothers AND non-mothers. He specifically said “You are an aunt and a godmother”. It was such a thoughtful thing to do and for once, I felt respected and didn’t have that awkward “want to crawl under the table” feeling. Such a small gesture, yet it spoke volumes!
What I find angering is the marketing push to spend, spend, spend for Mother’s Day. Surely, Moms want time with their grown kids, rather than a material gift?
Holidays such as Mother’s Day or Valentine day and other big hoopla are a pain as soon as you deviate from the norm.
That being said, my in-laws always have a big celebration for Mother’s Day (my own mom lives more than 5 hours away), where everybody celebrate motherhood and not one of them have a single word of comfort for me, even if they all know what we went through. Last year, I decided to skip the celebration and I am really really happy with this decision. I will be doing the same thing this year. My SO is not really happy with this, but I don’t need the hurt, the feeling of isolation and the pain that comes with this day. So this Sunday, I will be calling my mother, then I will spend a quiet day at home working in my garden.
I like to refer to it as Voldemort Day — The Day Which Shall Not Be Named. 😉 My MIL died long before I met her and my own mother lives far away, so a card & a phone call usually fulfill my duties ; ) — I am free to spend the day as I wish, usually by hiding out at the movies.
A couple of years ago, I actually had to attend a baptism on Mother’s Day. I survived, but boy, was I exhausted when I got home. :p They also handed out roses at the luncheon after the service to all the moms, and I was the only adult woman there who was passed over. To say I was hurt & humiliated is an understatement. :p
I love this–Voldemort Day! That’s what I’m going to call it from now on. So much easier and shorter than “the second Sunday in May,” plus it adds a little humor to an otherwise unhappy occasion.
Me too. I rather like that… Voldemort Day!
Got a baby shower invite..which is on Friday, just before that day… NO. Second year, this time I’m staying in, gonna do a Star Wars marathon.
It took me a few years, but I have learned to stay home on mother’s day. I usually see my mother during the week or day before Mother’s Day and she is very happy with that. One reason, she hates crowds so when we go out, we aren’t dealing with all the other people out with their mothers. Another reason, she can spend time with her kids on different days rather than being overwhelmed with a large group — most of whom she can’t talk to because they are too far at the table. On Mother’s Day, I plan to spend the day at home in my garden or on a lawn chair getting a tan, and my husband and I will probably spark up the BBQ for dinner. I will not sign onto Facebook, I will skip church, and I won’t be going to any restaurants. And I know I will have a good day.
I am meeting a friend the day before and we are having a spa moment and then will have dinner with our husbands. We call this “non-mother’s day.” (We’ve been doing this for a few years). We celebrate our experiences but also how we do support other friends who are mothers by listening to them, etc. Not quite the same as others acknowledging us but it makes us happy.
For Mother’s Day, I visit my mom and give her some flowers but I plan to spend the day weeding in the garden. It is the first year of really knowing I won’t be a mom so I don’t know what to expect. The dog and I will also go hiking on a trail if it is a good day so that will also keep me happy.
I am meeting a friend the day before and we are having a spa moment and then will have dinner with our husbands. We call this “non-mother’s day.” (We’ve been doing this for a few years). We celebrate our experiences but also how we do support other friends who are mothers by listening to them, etc. Not quite the same as others acknowledging us but it makes us happy.
For Mother’s Day, I visit my mom and give her some flowers but I plan to spend the day weeding in the garden. It is the first year of really knowing I won’t be a mom so I don’t know what to expect. The dog and I will also go hiking on a trail if it is a good day so that will also keep me happy.
I’ve just visited my mother (who lives on another island), and my mother-in-law is currently in hospital, so Mother’s Day this year will be low key. (If MIL is home, we’ll visit and take out a meal). We always avoid restaurants on Mother’s Day – in the past we’ve even insisted on taking the MIL and FIL out on the day before. “Because it will be too crowded” is our excuse. It works perfectly, and we have a nice time, without feeling left out.
I also avoid movie theatres (or choose an R18 movie!) – as I too was once wished a Happy Mother’s Day in the midst of the “infertility years” at the movies. I think the crowd of kids in front of me made the usher think I was their mother. A similar thing happened recently – it was school holidays, a bunch of kids walked into a store before me, and the shop assistant asked if we “were enjoying the school holidays?” I shrugged. Doesn’t bother me these days – though I think being denied a rose would hurt.
Mother’s Day is a big family gathering day like Christmas or Thanksgiving on my end. I grew up with two childless aunts who always received gifts on Mother’s Day. And now neither my SIL’s sister nor I have kids. So not everyone that attends is a mother. We don’t make a big deal about it being mother’s day… it’s just sort of a day for the family to gather and share a meal… and for me a time to be thankful that my mom and aunts are still around. I pretty much watch very selective tv and I don’t work in an office, so I usually manage to skip or avoid most of the hoopla on this and all the other “holidays”.
Every year, my husband and I gather up my mother and my MIL and take them to breakfast or lunch. It can be a little uncomfortable at some places, but I grin and bear it. I call my mother yesterday to ask her if she and Dad were avaialble for lunch on Sunday and the response I got was “I guess.” Let me explain a little here. I have two grown nephews who have babies and they live about 4 hours away. My mother’s response was because she would rather be there with them instead of here and that’s why she’s unenthusiastic about going out with me. I know she isn’t saying it to intentionally hurt me, but it still does. I know that I can’t ignore Voldemort Day (LOVE IT!) because then I would never hear the end of it from both my mother and my MIL. It sucks to be in this position and I often wonder if it’ll ever get any easier.
“Voldemort Day” (love it!) is hard for me as well. After enduring fertility treatments for several years now I am “au natural” and almost 40 so children are VERY unlikely. Along with that, my own mom passed away 3 years ago so M Day is a struggle to say the least. We always give my MIL her gifts on that day along with my maternal grandmother so that is a bright spot. Other than that, I just try to lay low.
It was Voldemort Day (thank you for this one, Loribeth!) in March in the UK. My dad and I take my mother out for lunch but we usually go to some low key restaurant and go quite early. It’s still very difficult and I tend to have to self impose a media and Facebook blackout until the next day.
I stay home on Mothers day and stay off any social media sites. One year I went grocery shopping and it was on a sunday, mothers day! And I was at the register and the lady says happy mothers day, I held back the tears and couldn’t wait to get out to my car. It’s painful 🙁
And this year my family has planned a lunch for my grandmothers birthday and of course I got guilted into going. My grandmother has been like a mom to me my whole life so I’m going too see her.