Last week I hopped on Netflix after something of a hiatus. I was in the mood for a movie, but had nothing in mind, so I was delighted to see that Netflix had come up with a “Top Ten Suggestions” for me. This is what they thought I would like to watch:
Friends with Kids
(Synopses courtesy of IMDb): “Two best friends decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships.”
The Pill
“Worried that he has gotten the free-spirited Mindy pregnant after an unprotected one-night stand, Fred feigns romantic interest and sticks by her side for twelve hours to make sure she takes both doses of the morning-after pill.”
The Switch
“Seven years after the fact, a man comes to the realization that he was the sperm donor for his best friend’s boy.”
Apparently Netfilx is keeping a close eye on my online activity, but like the old Google ads for baby products that used to pop up on this site (before I cut them off!), I don’t think understand me at all.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s causing you to shake your head in dismay today?
I got my next foster dog on Saturday. Only to find out that my first foster dog is being returned, and he’s worse now than when he was adopted. Preparing for Armageddon over here.
I’m so sorry Kelly. It’s so easy to bond with our pets, even if they’re intended to be temporarily in our lives. They so quickly become part of the family. *hug*
My husband and I were watching the series finale of “Rules of Engagement” on Monday. For those of you not familiar with the show, the married couple were unable to conceive so they hired a surrogate. I was happy that they were actually showing an infertile couple that was resovling their infertility without the “I’m pregnant” surprise. Boy was I disappointed! After the surrogate gives birth, they are sitting in a room cooing over the baby and the wife comes in and says “You know how I wasn’t feeling well the last couple of days? Well I had it checked out and gues what? I’m pregnant.” I was so pissed. How dare CBS do that! Why not leave their happy ending at them having children through surrogacy. Is is so important in this day and age to make the happy ending a pregnancy. That totally invalidates all couples that have used surrogacy! There’s so much more that I could say, but I’m going to leave it at that. I’m glad the show is over, because I would never watch it again!
Geez, glad I don’t watch that show. I might have thrown something at the TV set.
Glad I don’t watch either, otherwise I’d be boycotting, too.
Glad I don’t watch that show…. and now I don’t intend to.
I was so furious too!!!!
I was so annoyed at the ending also. I don’t know why theey couldn’t just leave it with the one baby and not suddenly announce she’s pg. Just adds fuel to people who say just relax, just adopt, etc and you will get pregnant.
I found their FB page and posted a comment about why it was completely insensitive to people with infertility. I would have never had the courage to do it without this site.
I replied to a commenter on their page who said it was the perfect ending because when you just relax you always get pregant
Dh & I watch that show and it annoyed the crap out of me too. What, ending the show with one baby isn’t enough?? :p
I had lunch last week with a colleague who I have not seen since December. I spoke with her once (back in December) about my miscarriage, and she was very supportive at the time. However, apparently according to her, there’s a statute of limitations on grief. When I mentioned that Mother’s Day was a difficult day for me and that I wish my mother had even just mentioned something to me to support me a little that day, this colleague decided it was time for me to get a lecture. She said to me (shockingly coldly) that I shouldn’t expect people to remain in the past with me and that if I still feel this way next Mother’s Day, then I should seek professional help. She als0 had the nerve to say to me while shaking her head, “Almost every woman I know has had a miscarriage….” And left it at that, implying “It’s common, get over it”. Her lecture went on for quite a while longer, saying so many insensitive and invalidating things to me, that I was almost in tears.
My jaw was on ground and I could not think of a thing to say to her that would have come out coherent. Why didn’t I just get up and leave the situation?? Why didn’t I think of anything to say?? She left me feeling like a fool. I tried my best to end the lunch date as gracefully as I could telling her that I was perfectly fine with how I’m handling my feelings over this whole thing. It was the only thing I could think of to say that wasn’t low on her level and didn’t burn the bridge (she is a colleague after all) but still defended myself all at the same time.
I stewed over it for the rest of the day at work, went home and cried. Of all of the insensitive comments I’ve heard since the miscarriage, I’ve never before had a full-on lecture! What is the matter with people that they think they can declare an end to someone’s grief just because “almost every woman” they know has been through this same thing? I’m amazed that there are people who think they should tell others how to feel and how to think. I’m still angry and would still like to say something to her about how inappropriate she was.
It’s funny, in the seven months since my miscarriage, I’ve been surprised at the people who I thought would be supportive and aren’t … and I’ve been surprised at the people who came out of the woodwork unexpectedly to support me. Now, after all of these months of being hurt and being supported by others, I know now who is on my “safe list” and I have committed to not discussing it with anyone else. I find that I unwittingly invite unwanted advice and comments and lectures. My next step is to work at forgiving this woman.
Did this colleague that you went to lunch with have children of her own? I ask because if she doesn’t, I have had the same experience and I think it just brings up painful memories over their own failed attempts and rather than empathize with you, they mask the pain by striking out at you. Doesn’t make it right or fair, but everyone deals with their own pain their own way. Her way of dealing may be to push it down deep and sharing your story may have caused that emotion to come up and those type of people tend to lash out in order to protect themselves. BUT, if she does have kids, well then she’s a real BI–H because the only excuse for that is she is so happy with her own life, she will lash out to protect herself from anyone trying to bring her down. Now those people, I know all too well and I have permanently removed them from my friendship circle.
After my miscarriage, I only told people we announced the pregnancy to. Work colleagues didn’t know I was pregnant so didn’t need to know I wasn’t. I’m glad I never discussed it with anyone I work with because the people I worked with would just use it for gossip. For those I did tell, I was also surprised about who was there for me and who wasn’t. For example, 2 friends who had multiple miscarriages but went on to have children – I called them after every miscarriage offering my sympathy and help. One never called me after mine and to this day has never mentioned it to me. The other woman called 7 years later and apologized for not calling me right afterward and we have been able to mend the friendship. The one that never called actually made a few nasty comments to me about why I never adopted. She is permanently out of my life. I was also surprised about the people who were there for me and we are closer now because of it.
Thanks Maria. This woman is in her late 60’s. I remember you and I discussed that sometimes different generations handle these losses differently. This colleague gave birth to a stillborn baby when she was 17 years old. The child was the result of a rape. She never asked to see the baby, and let the hospital take it to do who knows what to the body. I was so sad when she told me her story. I’m sure she was very traumatized by the whole experience. She did go on to get married and has three adult children now and several grandchildren.
I think that her lecture to me is directly related to her trauma almost 50 years ago. If she got over hers, then surely I should be over mine by now! Perhaps that’s what she’s thinking?
Thanks to this blog and the support of all these wonderful posters, I found the courage to write to her to tell her how I felt about her lecture to me. I haven’t sent it yet (thought I’d sleep on it). This blog and it’s readers (esp Whiny Wednesdays) give me the courage to move on past whatever hurdle is in my way from one week to the next. Thank you so much.
Wow, that really puts it in perspective. The subject I’m sure is a deep source of pain for her. Keep in perspective that she has had 50 years to recover, and 3 subsequent children born out of love I’m sure has helped her overcome it. You are recovering in an entirely different context and are living a different experience that she cannot understand. I don’t know if you would ever get her to understand by sending her an e-mail. But take comfort in the fact that the women here do understand you and send you love and hugs.
Thanks Maria. I wrote an email but never sent it. I agree that I don’t think I could ever get her to understand, and especially feel bad about talking to me as she did. I want her to be sorry for the way she spoke to me, but I doubt that will ever happen. Thanks for the love and hugs. 🙂
Hi Mary. It is difficult to navigate socially around these issues. I too have had a few friends and acquaintances that had miscarriages, but they did not really have to deal with infertility. I remember a friend being devastated when her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and how devastated she was when she began to spot during her second pregnancy, but 9 months later she delivered a healthy baby boy and a few years after a healthy baby girl. So, I don’t think that first miscarriage occupies her thoughts very much. I think it must be different when it was your only pregnancy and you were unable to conceive thereafter. If your friend is young and does not have fertility issues, she will probably not be able to relate. If she never wanted children, that might also be the case. If she cannot have children, and is sad about this, she might be wanting put up a strong front against depressing emotions and did not want to talk about it, and fired back at you because this was something she wanted to tell herself. I think more often than not the words that come out of our mouths are more about ourselves, our own thoughts and feelings, than about the person we are talking to. I also think it has become popular to talk to people about positive thinking, etc. While I agree that we get trapped in our negative thoughts and spiral down into depression and anxiety, and that it is healthy to focus on other things, this is something each individual must try on their own to do. Being forceful on others about this, comes across as dismissive of their pain.
Wow, I kinda felt wondering if we had been in what do one call it…dopplegangers or something. I had just encountered that as well three weeks ago, with someone writing me a *long* email- lecturing me about how she had “gotten over” her grief in just “only six months”, and that if I am still “obsessing over”, that I should look into professional help as well! She had dealt with infertility, and she’s now in her 60’s (and I’d presume back then in 60’s and 70’s, there were limited or no support/resources for women going through this), so it was easier for her to sweep all this under the rug..and me bringing it up occasionally, had re-opened her wounds. It’s after all, easier to lash out at someone outside, instead of facing their own emotions/wounds. I’m still considering to write a response email- I hadn’t yet figured how to write without it sounding like a comeuppance.
The colleague- I would presume that it’s easier for her to tell you something, did this, in a lousy approach, instead of facing her own wounds. I’m very sorry that this happened to you.
Thank you Wolfers. I’m so sorry that you got a lecture too! Where do people get the idea that there’s a statute of limitations on grief? I was undecided about to tell my colleague how I felt about being lectured, but after writing about it here, I realized I was still angry and decided to go ahead, just so I don’t have that eating away at me. If you decide to confront this person or not, we support you either way. Sometimes it’s better to let these things go, and sometimes it’s better to have our say. Whatever we need to do for peace of heart and mind.
P.S. Sorry my Whiney Wednesday posts are always so long! I have one more quick one and that’ll be all: My dear friend shared with me yesterday that she is ten weeks pregnant. She and I both miscarried our first (and only) pregnancies last year and we certainly did bond over it all. Now she’s having another and I pray it’s a safe healthy pregnancy this time. She was so kind to make sure that I did NOT hear the news anytime around Mother’s Day, instead waiting for a bit after to tell me. She so kind hearted and will make a wonderful mother. I’m so happy for her, but I did shed quite a few tears yesterday feeling very sorry for myself … and then ate my weight in frozen yogurt. I felt better after. 🙂
There’s a co-worker (the last person I was considering to befriend, since everyone else were pregnant or had babies, ended up getting pregnant just two weeks after I met her. (In other words, I am still the woman walking around without children in the office.)
Anyway, when I found out that c0-worker’s on bed rest, I was thinking, “well, maybe I won’t be alone anymore if something happened.” I then felt horrible for thinking that. I still feel lousy and guilty just for having thoughts like that.
I think those thoughts creep up on us all.
Part of the reason we have not gone on to adopt is my health. I have fairly severe Chronic Fatigue and am pretty limited in what i am able to do. There are folks in my life who know this and accept me pretty well. There is one older gentleman at our church who asks me week after week after week, “Are you better yet?” This is so hard because CFIDS/ME is something that often doesn’t improve and i was discouraged saying week after week, “No not yet.” Or, if i just replied, “I’m fine, i’m doing fine,” he would respond, “Just fine? You’re not better yet?” I finally came out and told him, “It isn’t very likely that i’m going to get better. This is something a lot of people can’t recover from.”
I told a friend about this conversation and how frustrated i was in having to report failure week after week. I thought she’d understand, and she did on some level. But then she “rebuked” me by saying i had cursed myself by saying “i won’t get better”! I told her i felt that i was being cursed by being asked week after week, “Are you better YET?” AAAARRRRGGGG! I refuse to accept that i have “cursed” myself! I continue to look for (and spend lots of money on) therapies i think might help me. I continue to be hopeful that i might get better, but i certainly can’t count on it. I have to live within my reality, and my reality is that in the past 6 years i have only seen loss of functioning and no improvement. This is my reality!
Thanks for listening.
Kathryn,
I developed systemic rheumatoid arthritis the day after my D&C. I haven’t been able to work since 2009 because of it. My husband and I had planned on going the adoption route if the IVF didn’t succeed, but once I was sick IVF wouldn’t touch us and my husband no longer thought I was capable of caring for an adopted child. It was one of the reasons we separated. Amongst family I find myself in a weird place that I can’t fully comprehend. Like I’m not supposed to grieve for the total loss of motherhood because I made the decision that I might not be able to care for an adopted child. Also, why not get back together with my ex if that’s the case? I feel pressure to conform and get questioned by extended family often. It’s like they are refusing to validate my pain of not being able to conceive, care for a child, or be healthy because somehow it’s either my own decision or there’s nothing to be done about it so move past it already. It just really hurts. Especially when immediate family think its a grand idea to hold a baby shower for my sister on M Day. They figured they were being helpful since I would be in town that day for my Mom anyway, and it’s difficult for me to get around. I didn’t attend the shower.
Sometimes people just say really dumb things. Sometimes there’s just no other explanation. :/