Mother’s Day is pretty much the worst day of the year for those of us who didn’t get to be moms. But what about Father’s Day and the men in our lives? Do they feel the loss of fatherhood in the same way we feel it for motherhood?
Some of you have expressed frustration with partners who don’t want to talk about the loss and grief we women go through, or who seem to have accepted a life without children much quicker than we have. I know I saw a difference in the way Mr. Fab and I dealt with grief (or appeared to not deal with it at all) so I thought I’d do a little research on the topic of men and grief to see what I could learn.
Turns out that, when it comes to grief, men really are from Mars, as opposed to our home planet of Venus. They’ve often been taught to keep their emotions in check and brush grief under the rug in the hopes that it will just go away (which, of course, it doesn’t.) As a result, we tend to interpret their reluctance to grieve openly as a lack of feeling. But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel the loss just as keenly as we do.
Here’s what I learned about how men grieve:
- Men often prefer to grieve alone, rather than openly, in a support group setting, or even with a partner.
- Men are more likely to withdraw and to be introspective than to do “grief work.”
- Men are more likely to express grief physically with actions or activities.
- Men sometimes deal with grief by planning for the future rather than dealing with the present situation or looking back at the past.
- Men sometimes let grief out in the form of irritability or anger.
In other words, just because your partner isn’t hanging out with other men in online support groups, sharing stories, and lending an empathetic ear to other men, it doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving the loss of fatherhood in his own way.
I’d be interested to hear how your partner has dealt with his grief. And if you’re a grieving man reading this, we’d love to hear your point-of-view.
Those bullets pretty much summed it up for how my husband dealt with it. He retreated to the basement and garage for years and was completed immersed in his hobbies and I felt abandoned. His attitude was, if we can’t have a baby, we just continue to be happy with each other and move on, like it was flipping a light switch. He was irritable and angry with my depression. However, last year and after the last pregnancy announcement, it was the first time I was OK but he broke down and cried. He said he finally understood what I went through because everything I said to him and cried over, he suddenly felt it all at once. He told me he thought he had been there for me, and realized at that moment, he really hadn’t been and apologized. We are in a much better place now I think because of that moment.
This is a great topic to discuss. Up until about a month ago, my husband had encouraged me and tried to lift up my spirits in the face of infertility, which is amazing… up to a certain point. As backward as it sounds, I wanted to see him grieve with me when I was really down; I guess in some level, I needed proof that I was not alone in my sorrow. However, a few weeks back when the pastor called for open, out-loud prayers, my husband got up unexpectedly and prayed for us as we wait for our adoption miracle. He said something like, “God, you know that we have been struggling with infertility for a couple of years now, and are now waiting to adopt a baby. I pray that You provide us with the comfort and patience we need to joyfully wait for this blessing we know You have in store for us. The waiting can get to be hard, and we need You…”
His last few words came out with a trembling voice; my hubby was finally breaking down. As he sat back down, we both wept quietly. For the first time in three years, I saw his pain. It was a moment both beautiful and heart-wrenching, and I will never forget it.
So it took a couple of years for him to show it, but it was “forever proof” that he hurts, just as much if not more, than me.
I know what you mean. I was so shocked when my husband cried but I felt so much better to know he was hurting. And when I look back, I am now glad he wasn’t crying with me when I was crying because his strength brought me back up. I don’t know how I would have pulled out of the depression if he was in it with me.
My husband also processes everything internally. I would tell him about things I read in blogs, just to give him some insight into how I was feeling and what other people were going through. Sometimes he seemed that he was ahead of me in acceptance, other times I was ahead. A few months ago, a friend posted on facebook “we have a new addition to the family…..a big screen TV!” I rolled my eyes at the pregnancy trick. My husband was so irritated by it, that he hid the post. I was surprised that it bothered him so much. I think we are close to being on the same page now though. He was telling me in the fall how his parents were trying to guilt him into the two of us taking a trip to see his sister and her baby. They live far away, so it would have to be a plane trip and a hotel, which adds up. I told him I wasn’t okay with that because we agreed that if we can’t have kids, we would take an awesome trip together every summer. A trip to visit family doesn’t count. He seemed relieved; I think he was afraid that our summer trip would become a dutiful trip to see his sister and her kids. Sometimes I have to be the bad guy (to his family) so that he can get what he wants. “Well, Julie won’t agree to that.” We want to see the kid (he’s two now), but not replacing our couple trip. It doesn’t make up for not having kids, but it’s a huge things for us to look forward to every year, and it really does help the acceptance if we have something to look forward to.
well yeah but it kind of still doesn’t explain why he said “you know, I don’t feel like half a man at all because i have bad sperm quality”, “You know, actually I don’t want a baby”, “I never wanted a baby”, “Let’s have an open relationship”, “I don’t see any other way than us splitting up”.
Oh yeah and he gave me the “I’m just on Mars. Sorry, I can’t explain what’s wrong” when one time he was very withdrawn (during a summer holiday in beautiful southern France were I really thought we would make that baby but he didn’t want to have any sex). two years later he admitted he had been in love with another woman at that time.
I F**********g try to understand what happened there but, sorry, all of this was just to hurtful. I can’t accept that.
I am sorry you had to go through that, Elena.
My ex also could see no other way than us splitting up, which is what we did. I think that he is now seeing a much younger woman, so he may get to celebrate father’s day sometime after all.
My hubby fits the typical man pattern. I thought he was okay with it and had accepted it to some degree. To come degree, i think he has, while i continue to struggle.
We have not attended church on MD for several years. We would attend on FD, and i thought he was okay with it, BUT . . . about 4 years ago we walked out of the church and he said something regarding the sermon, and his tone was very bitter. I was surprised. I apologized because i didn’t realize that FD could be just as difficult for him as MD is for me. At that point we made the agreement that we would NEVER attend church either of those days. This year my BD falls on FD, so hopefully we will find something fun to do instead.
Frankly, i’m having trouble with my attitude and bitterness and all the rest, and we have fallen into the pattern of rarely attending church. I don’t thin the pastor understands, and i just haven’t the heart or the energy to explain. My issues are far more than children or infertility. I have health issues that are limiting my life in so many ways. I’m really struggling to look at the positive side of life – and have people at FB and elsewhere admonishing me to change my attitude and accept that everything is either my choice or God’s will/plan. I’m struggling not to respond with harsh words.
Hi Kathryn
I am sorry to feel that way. I wonder how it is possible that people admonish you on FB?? Hello??? Maybe the first thing to try and change would be who your (FB-)Friends are! Your bitterness is there and it’s part of you and trying to make it “go away” will probably make it worse. I am struggling with my own bitterness (see my post above – was shocked myself about it). But sometimes people talk very superficially about “accepting” things. Accepting doesn’t mean that they “go away”. It means accepting that they’re there and they suck. I guess it’s not about “accepting” something like this once and for all. But it remains an everyday struggle, or at the best, everyday exercise. People who don’t understand this have no right to “admonish”.
I wish you all the best.
“I apologized because i didn’t realize that FD could be just as difficult for him as MD is for me.”
That brings up a question and I apologize in advance if it is offensive or harsh. I am not trying to be.
Why would women not think that FD could be as tough on men as MD is on women? Is there some unwritten rule that women can have lots of problems (emotionally) regarding the lack of children and men just have to “get over it”? I know that women are nurturers more than men so there is that maternal instinct. But, even though men are not nurturers naturally (generally, there are exceptions), can’t there also be a paternal instinct?
Again, sorry if this is offensive or harsh. I was not intending to be. I was just wondering this.
Joe – i hope your day was not as difficult as you anticipated.
You aren’t harsh or offensive. It is just that most women talk about things. An awful lot of guys are silent. When guys don’t talk about it to us, we assume that they are handling it better than we are. My hubby doesn’t talk about these things, and so i often assume that he has managed to put that energy elsewhere. Thus it was a surprise to this clueless female that he was so bitter on FD. (And his dad has died, too. He and his step father get along pretty well, but still.)
“This is a day to be reminded what a failure as a husband I am since I cannot provide my wife with a child (and we are talking about someone who wanted to be a mother more than she wanted to be a wife).” I’m so sorry you feel this way. I do hope you find some healing, and at least some relief that it is over for another year.
By impish coincidence, today is my BD, so it wasn’t pleasant checking in on FB.
Dyslexia and stuff setting in – some not come, think not thin.
My husband ranges between being angry with me for still grieving our childlessness and then confiding in me that he feels like he’s letting me down because he’s infertile. For the most part he doesn’t want to talk about it and I find myself grieving alone. He seems to be resigned to a life of childlessness and doesn’t understand my struggle. I worry that if I grieve too openly about my situation he will push for divorce thinking I should find someone else while I’m still young enough to have kids.
I truly hope as others have stated that he is grieving but just in his own way and that hopefully, maybe years from now, we can talk about it.
I can’t say that I necessarily feel the loss of fatherhood the same way you ladies feel the loss of motherhood (I can’t say that I don’t either, I just don’t know). But, rest assured, and I can only speak for myself, I do feel it.
Father’s Day is THE WORST DAY OF THE YEAR (Mother’s Day is a close 2nd). This is a day to be reminded what a failure as a husband I am since I cannot provide my wife with a child (and we are talking about someone who wanted to be a mother more than she wanted to be a wife).
As far as greiving, I have been in depression for years, off and on. Without money for counceling or any other programs, I just don’t know who to talk to about this (my wife is over it by now). I think my whole family thinks I should just get over it. But, I CAN’T.
Well, here it begins. My “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst, could not find copywright information).
I just need to survive it and I will be fine. Oh, and I can’t move to Austrailia.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I was looking for a man’s insight. MD is a hard day for me and my husband does everything in his power to get me through the day. I know that FD is horrible for him yet don’t know whether I should address the day or ignore it and hope he forgets what day it is, though I know he won’t. I have watched as each year gets harder for him , and for me, and the sight of fathers with their children make him angry at the unfairness of it all. My husband is a pretty emotionally aware guy and he does talk to me about his feelings, but I know it is hard for him because we feel different sides of the same disappointment. I know that if he was on here instead of me he would say that he understands needing to talk but not having anyone who seems to understand; no one knows the disappointment of not being a father other than another man who has not been able to become a father. Joe, I hope someone blesses you with some kind of encouragement today. I know that today will be painful for you, as I know it is for my husband, but I have found the only thing that makes days like today easier is having others recognize our pain and remind us we are not forgotten.
I did get through the day. For the most part I was just trying to forget the day existed. My wife and I saw a good Movie and we holped her mother get her garbage and yard waste (recycling too) out to the sidewald for pickup the next day. What I get from most people are comments that show they don’t understand. Most people think I should just get over it and move on. I want to do that but I am having a hard time with it.
Hi Joe, It’s said to hear that you can’t afford counselling. Have you tried finding a support group? These are usually for free….
AND it is great that you write about it here!!!! Even if we female readers don’t always understand at first. I made a very important discovery: Women also handle infertility in very different ways. I have had really bad conflicts with other women in online communities where I thought we would “all understand each other” and I have one – only – real life friend whose story is in the least similar to mine – only: she deals with it in a completely different way so after one talk, it’s now totally out of the question that I talk to her. Keep going, you will find people online and in real life who you can “talk to” – it doesn’t necessarily have to be people in the exactly same situation or of the same gender.
I was asking Ms. Manterfield about resources or support for men. She hadn’t found any, which is my experience too. There is precious little support on this subject (she told me this and I have thought this also). But, for men, the support is nil.
Which is why, even though I have not officially joined the community, I write on these blogs. I am looking for support, help, and yes, healing.
my wife lost the ability to have children a few years ago and it kills me, at the time I was too worried about her life to realize I lost all my hopes and dreams for the future , a few weeks later we when we finally got home it hit me how alone I really was, I tried reaching out for support but the most I could get out of anyone was “you would have made a good father” which hurts even more. when my wife sees I’m upset just tells me to man up, she has a kid form a past relationship I guess she can’t understand what I am going through so I just sit alone waiting for time to run out.
Bill,
If your wife who already has a child of her own tells you to man up and is that cold to you, consider having a child with a nicer woman. Don’t just let time run out.
i really dont know where to begin, but as a childless father do to to untimely lost of my child i think that there is really know way to express the feeling and hurt that i personally went thru and still go thru some thirty years later there are time and things that will continually remind me of my lost, i’ve heard that a man was not suppose to show grief, but in my experince i think thats all wrong. not being able to let go is not a good thing to do, for in doing so i lost a few years of my life that i can not account for, Understand that I do know its hard for the Mothers but it can be very hard for the Fathers as well as it is everyone reaches out in support of Moms and Dad has to try and be there for her as well but in his own quiet room he is dying inside and no one sees it. I have just recently lost yet another and have the duties of laying to rest a second son, so if anyone thinks this is easy well, with well wishes for all who have lost the only help out there for us is God for i know thats who brought me thru and will do it again……..
Well yesterday 06/15/14 was another FD and also my 23rd wedding anniversary, but the depression supersedes the happiness. As an only child I feel that not only did I let my wife down by not supplying her with a child, but I also could not give my Mom and Dad a grandchild. I was the only male in the group of cousins that could have carried on the family last name and that alone has been lifelong pressure that will no never go away. My dad is still alive at 83 years old, but there will come a time when he too shall pass and at that moment I can rest assured that will be the end. I am not close to my cousins, so there is no family link there. I pray that I can outlast my wife (who also has no previous children). When my grandfather was passing away when I was 17 he told me that I had to be strong and since then, I show no emotion in the grieving process, so this our curse as men…BE STRONG FOR YOUR WIFE. If there comes a time in the future and I happen to be all alone and coming down with Alzheimer’s or some other debilitating disease at that time I shall pray for death.
When people look at women and also men that haven’t been married and childless,alot of people look down at them thinking there is something wrong with them,or they just want to be single or childless.Not always.I fall into that category.I have wanted to be a father,but alot of women either had children or didnot want them.I’m 49 yrs old I got married a year ago with a women who is 47 and has 2 kids.But the problem is their not mine.No blood line at all and it sometimes gets me depressed because I will never be a father and raise my own kids to carry on my own name or wonder how they will be.It use to bother me every FD.When other people ask what are your kids going to do for you? I would be embarrased to say I didn’t have any kids and was not married.Then they looked at me like there was something wrong with me.It was hard for me in my 30’s but now I learn to live with it.And I can understand alot of these guys,because Im one of them.
any tips to get through it
Dan,
Why don’t you either ask them what the hell they’re looking at or explain the truth to them if they’ve got a problem you know screw them.
It’s good to find one of these sites for childless men as well as women.
My wife and I have been married for 34 years.
We can’t have children though we wanted them.
I will only post from my perspective and not from my wife’s perspective.
I feel cheated.
I am angry.
I am sad and often feel sorry for myself.
I feel a strong sense of loss.
I envy my family and friends who have children.
I have no one that I can tell the truth to.
I think that because I am strong and confident, people think that it does not bother me.
I want to scream out loud and lash out.
I think that because of this, my life ultimately will have no meaning or impact.
I know that my situation is hopeless because at 57, I am too old to ever have children.
I am a genetic failure.
I know that there is no god because of this or if there is, he/she/it can go fuck his/her/it self.
Same here. I’m 54 and me and my wife 25 years couldn’t have a child either. And I’m top of that I also have ADD and OCD I couldn’t study profession and right now I’m going to school for computers now but working at job part time dishwasher.
Yes you can talk about it if no one could give you the time of day then don’t give them. the time of day. You have just as much right to speak as anybody else