A while ago, I wrote that I was focusing on finishing my novel this year. I’m happy to report that it’s coming along nicely, although still a long way from being ready.
In the story, one of the minor characters is a psychic, so when a friend said she was hosting a psychic at her house, I went along for a reading. Admittedly, I went under the guise of research, but to tell the truth, I was curious.
The psychic had lots of fun and interesting observations about me, including the pain in my knee that had begun that morning, my grandmother as my spirit guardian, and my past life as a female falconer. She also predicted that my creative work, long life, and financial fortune were all positively intertwined. This was just what I wanted to hear.
It got even more interesting when she colored my aura chart and included a large pointed triangle of pain/difficulty pointing directly at my ovaries. Given that my infertility is due to premature ovarian failure, you’ll understand why she suddenly had my attention.
So I was already looking to keep proving her right when she told me she saw in my future a cute little girl in shorts and socks, calling me Mom.
Even though I knew this wasn’t probable, I was surprised at the impact it had on me. Although biological children are out of the question, the possibility of being someone’s “Mom,” whether a legal adoptive mother, a guardian, or mom stand-in, are within the realm of possibility, if not the realm of probability. But that flicker of possibilities triggered a painful and unexpected pang of sadness.
Children came up again when the psychic read my cards, but I kept shaking my head and telling her it wasn’t possible. I told her then about my situation and that I had made peace with it and that I was okay. Finally, she said, “There are three aspects to healing: the head, the heart, and the soul. You may have resolved this in your head, logically, and may even be on your way to resolving it in your heart, but your soul doesn’t know it yet, and you need to resolve that, too.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea and I’m starting to think she’s onto something. I definitely lead with my head. I think things through, rationalize, and apply logic. My head was definitely the first to come around to never having children. I am ok because I decided I had to be okay. My head went first and my heart followed slowly behind. But I’ve never given much thought to my soul.
There is a part of me that will always feel the loss of not having children. There’s an element of my spirit that longs to mother (ask my cat; she’ll vouch for that) and that part of me is often unfulfilled.
I’m not sure how to heal the soul aspect of this journey. Perhaps the souls of my children are out there and are longing equally for the mother they didn’t get to have. Maybe they’ll have to find other bodies to inhabit and perhaps we’ll meet at some point and I will mother them in some other way. I honestly have no idea, and I’m not sure if my belief system accepts this idea or can even choose to simply accept it as a way to help my soul find peace.
I know how to heal my heart with logic, and healing a heart is mostly a matter of time. But how do you heal a soul? If anyone knows, I’d love to hear.
Interesting, I think about this a lot too. Einstein said, matter can be destroyed, but energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change form. The energy or soul that inhabits each of us has been within the universe forever, and we manifest over and over as different things. I truly feel that my husband and I have been married many times before in past lives and we will continue to find each other. So, in this life we are not parents, but the next time we find each other, I think we will be. Lately, when the subject of children comes up, I tell people that in our next lives, my husband and I will have children. But this lifetime was meant just for us and I’m going to enjoy it as much as I can.
Wow! Maria, that was beautiful… The best example of how get the best out of the toughest situations you have to face in life.
Maria, that is wise and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
Maria that was beautiful! If my husband and I don’t get to be parents in this life I want to remember that!
dear Lisa,
your post really touched my soul. I haven’t thought much about it – but the psychic is so right. My head is already OK with being childless. So is my heart – at least most of the time. But my soul is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.
Hugs!
I love Maria’s thought. Which might seem incongruous given what I’m about to say.
But I’m also a bit cynical, and suspect that when you have proved a psychic wrong (by pointing out that you won’t be having a child) when she so obviously assumed that you would, she had to find another solution. “Head, heart, soul” is a very neat way of “proving” that she is still right, as well as preying on your (understandable) vulnerability at the time.
I personally think that your heart will and does embrace your life now. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t always going to be a little room though for sadness and regret. Is that the soul? Who knows?
I thought the same thing Mali – the psychic got caught in an error and needed to go with it to because it can’t be undone. I had the same experience with a psychic who told me I would have 3 children. I told her know, that’s not possible, but she insisted, and I told her my age and said it’s ok, I know I look 10 years younger, and she had to really waffle to find an answer. It’s just my personal belief that our energy remanifests, soul or whatever you want to call it, and I feel like my husband have a very long history together.
Know that’s not possible – meant to say, no, not possible. But interesting freudian slip.
I tend to agree with Mali & Maria. I don’t entirely discount psychics & the like, because I’ve heard a few things that simply couldn’t be explained… and I do think some people have a gift, a sensitivity that others don’t. Which is not to say they are always entirely accurate. Maybe she did pick up on some vibes related to children & simply extrapolated to say what she thought you wanted to hear, then backtracked a bit when it became obvious you weren’t buying it.
Every single psychic/fortune teller/wedding ring held over my palm on a thread etc. indicated that I was having a girl and two boys. I guess I did have a girl (my stillborn daughter) but at my age, I’ve stopped looking for the boys. I also had a psychic tell me that I wouldn’t be with my current boyfriend much longer, because the guy she was “seeing” did not match the description of the guy I was with. It’s 30 years later & we are still together. 😉
Although I guess you could also count our two nephews, whom I hold very dear, as the two boys. 😉
I read this yesterday, but didn’t comment. However, the thought of needing to reconcile my soul has been in my head ever since. I seriously wish I knew how to do that although I’m still working on making the head and heart understand.
Wow! That is a huge insight. It really strikes home with me. I have been doing a lot of work to shift the focus of my life in ways that don’t involve living my dreams of being a mother vicariously through others, and I think that, like you, I have lead with my head and my heart is slowly following. As far as my soul goes, I am involved in a program of spiritual development that teaches me to turn the things I can’t handle over to a loving higher power. And I do believe that my higher power could heal my soul. In that case, I think my job would be simply to let go and allow myself to be healed. Which sounds much simpler than it is.
Thanks for sharing this insight with us!
I have been working on grieving mindfully (mindfulness includes mind, body and spirit connections). It certainly helps that labyrinths speak a lot to my heart and spirit- so I write a lot of what I think and feel while walking on the labyrinths. I do two kind of writings- mindful and raw (I should write a post on that sometimes), which helps me put things out of my mind, my heart, all on tangible paper to read, ponder upon and work through. But for soul injuries, I would say we all have a different map, different sense of direction on how to walk the path- what may work for me, might not work for you. I can safely say my soul is nursing its wounds, growling at nearby movement and having trouble trusting, so I’m sitting there waiting with my heart and mind open, in hope that all one day, there’d be a connection.
This post and the comment from Maria touched me so deeply. Thank you for posting it. I often go at problems with my mind and leave my heart and possibly soul behind a bit trying to catch up. I posted a similar thought (given to me by my therapist) that maybe my emotional self hadn’t caught up with my thinking self. I like your way of thinking of it as well. I hope you can find a way to heal your soul although I’m not sure either how it should be done.