Summer’s here and, for us, that means bike rides at the beach.
As pleasant as that sounds, it’s often not as relaxing as it could be. Much time is spent dodging drunks, small children on tricycles, and wandering tourists. Mr. Fab and I have both taken tumbles because someone else wasn’t paying attention. I’ve had only minor scrapes and bruises, but Mr. Fab has a permanently separated shoulder to show for his adventures. I’ve seen bent handlebars, cracked helmets, and some nasty road rash out there over the years.
Which is why it drives me out of mind when I see parents carrying young children on bike seats with no helmets! Never mind that it’s against the law here in California, and never mind that they don’t think they’re going fast enough to get into an accident. At any speed, four feet is a long way for a soft skull to fall to hard concrete.
Would I have been a perfect parent? We’ll never know, but as my record is free of parental infractions, that gives me the right to whine about offenders.
As it is Whiny Wednesday, feel free to get your gripes off your chest here.
I’m a primary school teacher. The “perfect parent?” Doesn’t exist. And, sadly, I have too much evidence to prove it….
I just got a call from a friend in love with her baby trying to talk me into trying again (I’m 47) or adoption. She gave me a bunch of information and said she was just passing it on to me in case I hadn’t considered it. I took a deep breath and said, I’m 47, I’m a lawyer, I’ve been married for 12 years, I know all my options and have considered them. I went back and forth with my husband over it for 5 years. He does not want to adopt and we don’t want to use a donor egg. I have spent the last few years trying to get back to a happy place with my husband, and we are finally there. I can’t spend the next 5 years in a state of depressed limbo trying to adopt and if not successful, the next 5 years trying to get back to a happy place. By then I will close to 60, my husband will be in his 60s, and I don’t know what life we will have left. She said she just wants me to be able to move on so I can be part of her child’s life. OK, well thanks for your concern.
Indeed. :p She’s obviously not really concerned about you and what you want — it’s more about how your infertility affects her & her child. :p
What does your not having kids have to do with you being a part of her child’s life? I just had a nice chat with my best friend last night, talking about summer plans and how we will be buddies in a weight loss endeavor. And I mentioned how I’m working on building up my butterfly garden and hummingbird habitat, and how I’ll come over during the summer to get one started for her little girl. I have also been pretty busy playing soccer with my cousin’s little boy. He’s 3, gorgeous and brilliant.
Sounds like you have moved on, unlike her. I wonder if she just feels she shouldn’t talk about her child with you (trying to give her the benefit of the doubt). Either way, she needs to revisit her notions of friendship – where you respect the other person’s choices.
I’m actually proud of myself because I think I was relatively unaffected by what should have been a pretty big whine. I’m at the nail salon yesterday. First, the owner asks me if I am pregnant. I don’t look pregnant, I have to lose weight, but my stomach is not necessarily bigger than my hips. I think she just wanted to talk about babies. I said no, just fat. Then the woman that is doing my pedicure says, “You don’t have children, do you?” I just said no. No biggie… conversation dropped. In comes a older woman who will be a grandmother to a biological child for the first time. She is complaining about not feeling well, and they are trying to cheer her up by commenting on how excited she must be to have a grandchild on the way. She is sad because she is not doing well health wise. So they cheer her up by commenting that she will enjoy spending time with the baby, even if she is not very active in providing care. Then they get into a discussion of how her son is a good man, who deserves to have a child. They mention that he was married for 18 years, but his wife could not have children. Apparently, the salon owner had foretold a divorce, which eventually came about, as my assumption is that the baby to be is the product of a new marriage. They were so natural about the whole thing. No thought that their comments were addressing a very private matter is someone’s life, and of course, that they were highly offensive. I have friends who married because they wanted to be mothers, not because they wanted to be wives to the men they married. Infertility is tough as hell, but I always viewed my partner as just that, a partner is life, not a bag of seed.
Ugh. I have been trapped in those situations at the hair salon. This is why I kept my infertility treatment hidden and private from everyone but my husband because I never wanted to be the source of anyone’s gossipy topic of conversation. People like this are horrible.
Speaking of biking, I went on my first bike trip of the summer this past weekend and ended up getting a groin injury that required surgery to drain a cyst that developed from where the seat rubbed against me. I’ve never had this problem before, but it has left me down and out for a while while recovering and not sure if I’ll want to ride my bike again after I’m healed. But, thankfully, I telecommute and can work with ice bags and gauze because no one else can see it.
I had this problem too from biking. Very painful and still has not entirely healed 6 months later. Hope you feel better soon.
I think this post about biking also missed out on people with dogs on extendable leashes or off leash! Like small children or drunks, you can’t predict their path.
“as my record is free of parental infractions, that gives me the right to whine about offenders”
I loved that. I agree. Just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t mean we don’t have valid opinions. And ours aren’t skewed by defensiveness, which is what I find whenever talking to parents.
Only whine this week is that my husband seems to feel free to let me pretty much organise everything (other than the house and garden) for our forthcoming “escape winter” sojourn to the north. Because we’re going away for almost five months (yes, FIVE months!), there is an enormous amount of stuff to organise. I’m happy to do all the travel organising, but why do I also have to organise his mother’s birthday dinner as well? Argh! (PS. Anyone who wants to follow my blog of our trip away can find it on LemonsLimoncello dot wordpress dot com. )
My whine is that my brother and his wife went from fertility testing and found out that there are no problems. I whine that I should feel happy for them but I mostly feel jealous and sad. I whine that that makes me feel selfish and small. I had been mostly at peace with my child free state but this news has brought back the feelings of being left out and less than. WHINE!
My whine is that I finally have a 2-week-holiday coming up by the end of July. I figured out where I want to go – Ireland. So now it would be high time to book something, at least a flight. And I’ve come to realize that it would mean travelling around for 2 weeks completely on my own. And I admit, I’m a chicken and the prospect of that brings me down. So I’m stalling and not booking. I found an offer of group travel but the inscription date has expired and they’ve confirmed that it’s already fully booked. I’m just not in an adventurous enough spirit to travel for such a long time on my own and in addition to that, ashamed to admit it, in front of myself and friends. I really don’t know what to do.
Hi Elena,
One of the advantages of traveling alone is that you can plan your own trip as you want to. Do you like to cook? Maybe you can sign up for cooking classes in Ireland. Like to bike/hike? I’m sure you can find a group doing that. If you like to photograph, there are certainly groups for that too. I did this same thing a few years ago. I desperately wanted to go to Paris for my birthday so I signed up for a five day photography workshop so that way I didn’t have to be alone while there, and got to do what I love! My sister ended up joining me at the last minute, but I was going to do it alone if need be, that’s how badly I wanted to go. It’s great that whatever interest you may have, you can probably find a group doing it in Ireland.
Hi Mary
thing is, I spent most of my holidays over the last 3 years participating in music workshops (which is what I enjoy doing most) sometimes combined with visiting people. This time I decided I need a break even from the fiddle and the workshops :-). Thing is, these are great, you get to meet a lot of friendly people and do what you enjoy the whole day long. Only you don’t see much of the country :-). I have tried to find out about horse riding classes in Ireland – I’ve never done that before but it would be fun. But it’s hard to look through all the offers on the internet and find out how it really works etc. but I guess it will be best for me to just go there and look up any guided tours or similar offers I can find out about once I’m there.
Elena,
When I travel alone, I always end up meeting people or having someone to talk to. You could stay in a B & B to find out best places to go, visit some tourist spots, and even join tours while you are in Ireland. Maybe two weeks is too long and you can go for a shorter time period. Also, ask your friends if they know anyone in the area that you could call or meet while there just to say “hi.” Most people are very accomodating when it comes to a single female traveller. I do things like take my favorite cup on a trip, put flowers in my room, try a spa, visit a festival, and pick a movie to enjoy that might not be in North America. I found the Irish to be very friendly and talkative people.
Whether you go or not, enjoy your time off and vacation.
Hi Bubli
thanks for taking the time and writing an answer for me. Some friends have already suggested similar things, specially the tours – I’m sure Ireland is a place where people are friendly etc. Thanks for some of the new hints you gave me. Maybe yeah, I could go for like, 10 days or so (the flights might be cheaper if I don’t travel on the weekend). In fact I know quite a few people who might be in Ireland in the summer – only no-one of them suggested we travel together. But I might just decide when I go and then tell people “I’ll be there on this-and-this date” and maybe things will work out meeting people. It’s a good idea to take a favourite object along! I’m just trying to find my adventurous spirit somewhere deep inside 🙂 thanks for helping me along!
I don’t know if this counts as a whine, but here it goes. Earlier this week, we received an invitation to a church service where a good family friend’s youngest son is getting baptized. I should be happy about this as they have received the Lord in their lives (their church does not practice infant baptism, but believer baptism). But, I really did not want t0 go. This was hurting me too much. I am going because my wife really wants to go and I would also like to see them as well since it has been a while.
I find myself again apologizing to my wife for failing her (knowing that she wanted to be a mother more than a wife). She again says that I didn’t (I still don’t believe that, even though she does. She is probably sick of my apologies).
I also don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. Anyone I talk to will just tell me to “get over it”. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t.
Thank you for at least letting me post in the blogs even though I am a man (and please don’t whine about me).
Welcome to the conversation. I am always glad to hear a man’s perspective. I have apologized a lot to my husband for not giving him children too. It also makes him feel bad when I do and he reassures me that it doesn’t matter, but sometimes I still worry he is sad about what I can’t give him, although I must say it is less and less these days. I hope this site helps you as much as it has me.
Joe, I’m really glad you’re part of the conversation. Many of us have been through similar experiences, so you are in good company. Be gentle with yourself.
Elena, don’t give up just yet. Ask if you can be on a waiting list for that group. There are always last-minute cancellations. Also, you can ask your concierge when you get over there about day outings. I know it’s scary, and I know it’s painful. I was single until my mid-40s and it took me until my 30s to get brave enough to travel alone, but I did it b/c I just didn’t want to miss out on all those experiences. It’s not easy, but so worth it.
Big hugs all around!
Joe, I agree with what the others are saying. Be gentle to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I hope you “survive” the baptism. And it’s good to hear a male perspective. 🙂