During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa
Today’s post was originally run on 4/29/13
By Solo Girl
I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall on Boxing Day so we can all get together. And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing. Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.
I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness. It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.
Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago. I mentally prepared myself ahead of time. For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done. I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done. I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”
I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong. It was the chitchat. I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors. Seriously. When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today: “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again. No one will notice; no one will care. It’s torturous. Don’t Go. Don’t feel guilty”.
But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now. And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend? And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time? They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well. I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again. I think.
I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.
How do you handle these situations?
Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada. She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.
When I was in my 30s, I felt i had to attend baby showers. Now that I’m 47, I feel no guilty about declining my attendance and no one expects me to attend. In fact, the last baby shower (about 6 months ago), I heard that a friend’s wife who adopted also declined. In a way I hope it sent a message to the people there that adopting is not the cure for the pain and loss of infertility.
There have been baby showers at work that were easy to pop my head in then exit quickly. Recently, I got an invitation at a friend’s house. My therapist tried to prepare me with conversation pieces so that I could control some of the conversation – eg, how was your vacation, I’m sure it will be hard to get away now that your having a baby, etc. In essence, reminding them what they will lose, and what I still have. I didn’t end up going. Decided, that three hours of faking a smile and pretending to have a good time wasn’t my idea of a fun night. Maybe next time…
Lisa’s “Dealing with Social Landmines” ebook (there’s a link on this site) has been helpful. She addresses scenarios such as this and offers realistic possible responses.
Oh I know I am going to have a bunch of baby showers coming up at work as everyone (else) seems to be pregnant…ugh! But, true, the workplace baby showers are much easier to pop into and leave quickly. I declined an invitation to the last baby shower I was invited to a couple of months ago. I just couldn’t bring myself to listen to all that motherly advice on the latest and greatest baby gadgets and stories of labor and delivery. I have no interest and nothing to add. I also think it depends on who else is attending the shower. If there are other women there who don’t have children or friends who are sensitive to you, it can be a better experience.
Today, I had to sit in the dentist’s chair and listen to the dentist tell the hygienist how excited she was that her brother and his wife were having a boy. It’s the kind of social landmine you can’t prepare for. I can reject a shower invitation, avoid certain family reunions, and change the channel, but I cannot get out of the dentist’s chair or suggest a different topic of conversation while they are fixing my teeth.
A FB acquaintance (who is part of a big group to which i belong – and i think she’s the only one still of childbearing age) announced a couple of days ago. I find that i still feel hearing this is a punch in the gut. She’s in NZ and i’m in the US, so beyond the congrats i won’t have much to do with it.
I keep asking myself why i’m having such a hard time getting thru mourning and moving on?
My husband’s cousin is having a shower next month, after the baby is born, so we can all meet him or her. I love this cousin. I love that they are having a family. I’m happy for them. Part of me very much wants to be there. But part of me imagines that i cry all the way thru it, also.
How do i handle these situations? Mostly i avoid them.