It’s a familiar scenario: You’re at a family gathering or out with a group of friends. Everyone’s having a good time, when the topic turns to babies, and some bright spark looks your way and says, “So, when are you going to have kids?”
You could drive a double-decker bus and a Winnebago through the gap in the conversation, and even the birds stop twittering so they can hear your response.
Your face goes cold; your palms start to sweat; you can feel an eruption of emotion rising up into your chest, ready to spew forth and shower everyone in sight. What are you going to say? Do you tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, in all the gory details? Or do you mumble something about “someday” or “maybe” or “We’re trying. Ha!” to deflect the question. Or do you stare dumbfounded and hope that someone steps in to rescue you?
Odds are you’ve tried some variation of all of those tactics at some point. And you know that if you so much as mention any attempt to conceive, someone’s going to jump in with all sorts of “helpful” advice from asking if you’ve thought about adoption or offering her eggs for your use, to regaling you with a tale of someone else’s miracle baby.
Recently, I had a conversation with a reader who offered another option that’s worked well for her:
“We tell people we’ve decided to just travel instead,” she told me. “People want to solve problems. If you make it positive, there’s nothing to solve.”
She said this response immediately defuses the tension and changes the topic. She even found that people envied them their freedom to travel. What a refreshing change from the usual pity.
Another reader told me she’d been to an event where the speaker mentioned at the end of his talk that he and his wife (both well past reproductive age) were childfree. “We don’t have children,” he quipped, winking at his wife in the audience, “but we try every night and twice on Sundays.”
I’m sure no one approached him after the talk to offer advice. Why? Because he didn’t give them a problem to solve.
As you’re arming yourself to go out into the world and face potentially difficult conversations, what are some things you could say to answer these awkward questions without prompting people to try and fix your situation?
The last time I was asked that, I told the person I was pushing 50 but it was OK that she asked because I know I look fabulous for my age. And the fact that I still get pimples, throws people off too. She laughed, and we ended up talking about the best beauty products and my workout regimen.
Great answer, Maria!
That is actually….completely and totally BRILLIANT. Will be filing this away for future use!
Love that! I have noticed when I answer calmly and factually people don’t try to solve “my problem”. The question is going to come up; I think having a strategy for answering it can only help.
I read so many books after I decided not to have kids and I don’t remember at all where I read this but I tell people my husband and I thought about having kids but our cats are allergic 🙂
I LOVE these responses. I’ve had a good laugh. Thank you!
I particularly like the idea of keeping things positive. I’ll have to file these responses away!
That is my standard answer now when people ask why we didn’t have children, or “why don’t you just adopt”, etc….We come back that we are traveling the world instead. It usually shuts them up but it has also opened up some great talks about where we have been and what our next trip will be.
Thank you all for making me smile, not having a good time of it at the moment with one of the main problems being other people and their comments/questions and you all just gave me great ideas for responses and to also see the lighter side of it all!