By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I’m at my wedding reception, all aglow in my big gown, overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the attention and love in the room. One of our guests comes up to me and says, “I’ve been watching you with your little nieces and nephews, and you’re so good with kids. Why don’t you have just one?”
Just what? Are you kidding me?! Like it’s so easy. Just like that, I’ll get pregnant, stay pregnant, pop it out, and the next 18-plus years will be a breeze.
The craziest part is when I told the story to my brand-new husband the next morning, he said, “Well, maybe we should try for a year and see what happens.” So much for all of our discussions about why we couldn’t have children (did I mention I was a 45-year-old first-time bride?) and why we wanted a family of two.
By the next day we were back to our senses and back on track to the beautiful life we’d planned together. Later I got to thinking about all the annoying “Just…” statements that people make. Like:
“Just adopt…just relax…just quit smoking…just get a job…just cut out sugar/carbs/fat/meat/anything that tastes good.”
Maybe I’m just feeling feisty today, but I’m pretty sick and tired of people—especially people who don’t know me well—who offer unhelpful advice. You know what I’d really like to say to them? “Just shut the f— up!”
Just in time for the not always happy holidays, Lisa Manterfield and Kathleen Guthrie Woods are releasing Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. The book will be available here on this site next Tuesday!
“Hear Hear!!” Brilliant post!! This one actually made me laugh out loud! So needed this today since I will be visiting my in-laws tomorrow… thanks again… still laughing… Have a great weekend ladies, Hugs to all…there is a bottle of red wine with my name on it waiting for me after work today!! – Kristine
Lol! Loved this post. It seems that’s the answer most everyone has when they ask if you have kids, or want kids. Even when I reply now, no we don’t, I don’t offer why, and I get “what about JUST one”?! Or well why not “just adopt one”. People who don’t know your story should just keep their mouths shut. How about I JUST go buy a new house and car and boat and go one just one large fancy vacation?!? People don’t know why so sont offer up JUST!!
Yes, that.
I have hated that starting comments…”Just…” and “why don’t you just..”
UGH!
I was a few months shy of 35 when I got married. One of the guests said to me at my wedding that I should start trying right away because when you turn 35, your odds of getting pregnant drop dramatically. I was so happy up until that moment and I remember feeling stressed and anxious after she said it. But I realized how my mood changed and said to myself, no, not today, and shook it off and went back to being happy. But I don’t understand what compels people to say something to a bride or groom that would try and ruin that one day that should be the happiest day of their life. I wonder if Kathleen and I know the same person…
Even IF they know your story, some people just can’t seem to help themselves.
Dear cousins of my hubby just had a baby in August. We love these folks so much, and really enjoyed visiting with the baby at a wedding a few weeks back. They waited a long time to have their little blessing. I can’t seem to help but say my regret about not having any children (to people we know/like/trust), and mentioned my sadness that we won’t be in their shoes.
To my shock, they began the “Well, why don’t you just . . . ” I had to parry all that until finally i said, “You do not understand. I cannot take care of children with my health, we would have to hire full time help and we can’t do that. I’ve already had a doctor i work with tell me he would NOT sign off on our adopting children. We cannot do it.” But it was like they didn’t hear it – they kept going.
So, even with people we love we have to stay silent in our grief, or fight a barrage of nonsense.
Baaahahaha!!! LOVED that last line!! We don’t always get to say it to their faces, so at least we can come here and all agree that we feel like saying that to people sometimes (okay, A LOT). haha!