During the recent Polar Vortex that hit much of North America, I went for a walk at the beach. In a t-shirt. And broke a sweat.
There are many things to grumble about when you live in California—the traffic, the air quality, the lack of trees—but the weather isn’t one of them.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m feeling pretty lucky this week. How about you? If there’s something on your chest, now’s the time to get it off.
I’m trying to plan a trip to Walt Disney World for my now 9-year old niece and her Mom has been engaging in “I’m a terrible mother because I can’t afford to take my kid to Disney” fits. Her older two children went with their father a couple of times, and this child’s father never will–even if he could afford it, which he can’t. So here I am, trying to make sure this kid gets a chance to hug Mickey Mouse and dine with the princesses, and at least 50% of the time, I’m trying to make her Mom feel better about not being able to do it herself. I get the sense of guilt, but really, someone else (that would be me) is footing the whole bill, including her own airfare, so I think she should just say thanks and help me figure out how to make her kid happy at Disney. (Irony: maybe I should check my attitude?)
jeopardygirl… you just made me laugh with you last line…. i get it…i would be saying the same thing you are saying!!!…
My whine today is that i have plenty of backup here on line, but my husband is having a terrible time trying to find backup for himself. we are in the deep grieving stage of letting go and yes, we are working with a therapist who specializes in infertility and grief counseling, but he is feeling so isolated. i went on line and tried to look for a blog, or something… anything that would not make him feel so alone – i found a man who has a blog about infertility, but he is in the middle of a divorce and is adopting. nothing that my husband can connect with – nothing! it’s sad!! — anyone have any suggestions?
Thank you for your help!!
Kristine
http://ivfmale.wordpress.com/ He hasn’t posted since June, but perhaps he will respond to a message? There is a facebook page for a community called childlessnotbychoice, perhaps he can contact Dan on that page.
IrisD – Thank you so much!! It’s worth a try!
Hi Kristine,
I’ve been looking for resources for men, too, but there’s little out there. I found this guy, but he and his wife are beginning the adoption process, so that might not be right for him (although some of his older posts might work.) http://onemansbattlewithmaleinfertility.blogspot.com
I also have come across a couple of books:
Shooting Blanks by Jonathan Boldt (he brings some humor to it too)
There’s another one and cannot for the life of me remember what it’s called. Something to do with a year. Ugh. I’ll post it when I remember. Sorry.
Lisa – thank you for the title of the book by Jonathan Boldt, I will be sure to hunt it down. and as always, a million thanks go to you. I come to your site many days to give me strength!! thank you!
Thanks Kristine,
And I just found the other book in my stack:
Resurrection Year, by Sheridan Voysey
Again, haven’t yet read it, but it looks like it could be helpful.
~Lisa
I completely understand where he is coming from. I feel the same way. It is so frustrating when I see these support sites and they are all geared towards women with nothing for men. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do believe that women need support and they need places to go. But, so do men. I have family that tells me to “Get Over it”. “Do something to make yourself happy”. “You shouldn’t be like this. YOU’RE XX YEARS OLD”. Well, no support there. My wife is past this. But, I am struggling here.
The critics! Argh! http://jlbf4.wordpress.com/2014/01/15/taking-off-the-armor-of-my-choice/
Justine! Really loved your post, it was so honest. Sending you some positive vibes…
Thank you so much Valerie, I felt much better yesterday, could feel all the vibes my way!
What a powerful response to those who criticize! Love it. I stopped before even starting the IVF process (had a couple consultations but by then we had learned we would need a sperm donor and that wasn’t the path for us nor was adoption), so I’ve been questioned about our “choice” to stop. Thank you for sharing. I’ve bookmarked your blog so I can read more!
Similar experience, Tracy: did not start IVF. I was willing DH was not, which made it very difficult for me to process. I felt very alone. But it would have been very expensive, IVF with ISCI, plus a load of medications for both, none of which would be covered, and of course, no guarantees. DH did not want to do the sperm donor option. We sat on the fence so long regarding adoption. I always thought this is something I would have done, but when it came to it, I just couldn’t make the leap. Adoption would also have been difficult because of our ages, I think. Thought about adopting older children, but feared the problems that come with it and what it could do to our lives and marriage. Now, I just want to enjoy what is left of my life, which is where DH was at when I became obsessed about having a child. He felt too old to jump on the roller coaster and just wanted to live. This is all such a personal matter, it is hard for those who haven’t experienced it to relate. Ignore the “critics”, Justine. Your blog is about you, processing your feelings, and it keeps those of us who are more familiar with this experience connected, and less lonely. Don’t know if you filter comments. That’s probably something I would do. I don’t necessarily care about hearing everybody’s opinion. Don’t think a personal blog has to be a venue for everybody else’s “freedom of speech”. Hugs.
Iris, Thank you for sharing and for the advice! I will definitely keep that in mind. Thank you for reading!
Thank you Tracy! I appreciate the support, please feel free to share it. I am finding the entire process so healing but especially through the women I am “meeting” in this huge internet world!
We decided not to go the IVF route, but did do a consult. The doc came highly recommended, but we found him extremely arrogant. We didn’t feel comfortable with the $$, or with the drugs (i react badly to most).
Still, i had a friend tell me (she’s childless herself but a step-mama) that if i don’t have kids it is ENTIRELY my choice ’cause there are so many out there waiting to be adopted. Sigh.
If it is SO easy and there are SO many children perhaps SHE should go adopt a child. Then get back to you about your choices.
I hope you at least gave her an eye roll.
Ugh! So frustrating! She sounds like an incapable… http://jlbf4.wordpress.com/2014/01/03/our-fellow-warriors-true-friends-limited-supporters-and-incapables/
Thank you for sharing!
Kristine — there are a few. http://himplus17.blogspot.com/ is one that was mentioned recently in one of our LWB posts. I couldn’t find a specific post of his about the childfree issues, but it’s in there.
We’ve also had a couple of guests posters. Here’s one: https://www.lifewithoutbaby.com/2013/05/13/infertilitys-golden-little-secret/. The link to his site appears in the byline.
I’ve asked Lisa to take a look at archives when she gets a chance to see if there are others.
Good luck!
I have two whines. I’m a new visitor to this blog, so please forgive me if these are repeat “whines.” 🙂
Whine #1: I’m so sick of all the moms on FB sarcastically talking about being “Mom of the Year.” For example, “I fed my child junk food today…I am SO Mom of the Year.” Or, “Yep, I’m Mom of the Year, I forgot to put out tooth fairy money last night.” Then, of course all the other moms reply “Been there”. Ugh!
Whine #2: I hate it when people don’t consider a husband and wife a “family.” We’re always referred to as a “couple.” I don’t know if you technically need to have children to be a “family”, but we’ve worked hard to build a loving home and family (with dogs!)
Okay, I feel better. Thank you 🙂
Annie I totally agree about the family thing! I always say (in my totally mature way) “we don’t count as real people because we don’t have kids”. I told my husband he should start calling in sick to work because our dog is sick since all of his coworkers use their kids to get out of work (on weeks that they don’t even have their kids)
re. whine 2: I’ve never thought of family in terms of “nuclear” family, for me family has always been siblings, cousins, aunts, grand-parents, in-laws, etc…. the whole bunch.
There’s no such thing as a “repeat” whine… whine away!! 🙂
My whine is my boss said she was going to do something special for me to recognize the work I’ve been doing on this high visibility project. That was more than a month ago. I think she forgot! I wish she hadn’t said anything at all because now I’m annoyed.
No whines for me, other than ongoing worries about elderly mother and in-laws. Like Lisa, I’ve been watching the news on the polar vortex, and shaking my head wondering what it is like to live in a climate like that. We may not have perfect weather here (far from it), and of course it is summer now, but even our winters are mild in comparison. So I’m feeling quite lucky at the moment.
My office has changed some arrangements, which rather leaves me displaced. I still work there, but i have no where to “be” in between clients. I used to be able to be up front, greet people (and help remind them i am there), and assist with scheduling appointments and taking phone calls when the office manager was busy. All of this was voluntary, but i really enjoyed feeling like i was contributing (and i sometimes picked up appointments when people remembered i was there). I thought it was win/win. But evidently the doc didn’t value it, or maybe even notice. Now the office i used is gone, i just kind of wander around when i’m not working, or hang out in my massage room at the back – no one knows i’m there.
I understand it was a monetary/business decision that was needed. I’m not mad at the doc or think he “owes” me something. But i’m trying to figure out my new role in the scheme of things, and i haven’t found that yet. I really miss feeling like i was a contributing member in the office.