Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Good Girls

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Facing a Problem“But I did everything right!”

My sweet friend Connie* was in the midst of a serious health crisis, and I was doing my best to be supportive when she blurted this out. I wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, that she’d find the silver lining in her experiences, that that which did not kill her would make her stronger. But the reality was that what she was facing might very well kill her, and the unfairness of it all was breaking my heart.

For, you see, Connie is a “good girl.” She is a dutiful and loving daughter, sister, and friend. She is loyal to her employer and she is honest on her tax returns. She doesn’t drink too much or eat too much, and she’s never smoked any substance, legal or otherwise. She has followed her doctors’ instructions to a T, but she wasn’t responding to the prescribed treatment and she was facing a scary and uncertain future.

Our exchange reminded me of so many conversations I’ve had with women who are childfree not by choice. They waited to be financially able to support a family, only to discover their reproductive years had passed them by. They waited to meet Mr. Right—who would also be Daddy Right—then encountered inexplicable fertility challenges. They planned and dreamed and planned some more, then were denied the privileges and blessings of having children. These were good girls who would have been good, loving mothers, but they got gypped.

Twenty or so years ago, I asked my mother to share with me the best life advice she’d ever received. She thought for a moment, then replied: “Life is not fair.” I had expected something more encouraging, along the lines of “Good girls win!” But she went on to explain that good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people, and vice versa, and if you can accept the randomness of life, perhaps you’ll better appreciate when good things do come your way.

I get this on an intellectual level, and I’ve certainly experienced it throughout my life. Still, I wish reality had a little less bite. I wish the good women I know who want to be mothers could have their miracle babies. I hope Connie’s doctors come up with a miracle cure that allows Connie to make a full recovery. I wish good girls (like me) would get all the good things in life they deserve. It seems only fair.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

*Not her real name. As of this posting, her condition has improved, but she’s not yet out of the woods.

Comments

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she does better. I came to the same realization as your mom after I realized I would not have kids – life is not fair, bad and good things happen randomly, and I need to embrace the life I was given and be happy with what I have. I was similar to your friend, did everything right, in the right order, waited patiently for my turn. I think that was my mistake – waiting for my turn. I know several women this year that 30 +/- years old that decided to have a baby with the person they were dating and they are incredibly happy. I told them they were smart to just go after what they want when they wanted it.

  2. I don’t really think of life as not being fair or that things randomly happen to us. I used to always try to be a good girl and wait my turn. What I’ve learned though is that the world doesn’t cater to those who “do the right thing”. I’ve learned that I have to take care of myself because no one else is going to make sure that I’ll get my needs met.

  3. Great post, can relate on all levels… Life can be sooooo unfair… Just got to learn to make lemonade out of lemons.

  5. Part of this belief system, for me, came from religious training. I turned the Beatitudes into a “blessed are you if you wait, you will receive what you want” kind of thing. (And totally my own interpretation as opposed to the much praised Proverbs 31 woman who was proactive and involved.)

    I think we do so much trying to make things “fair” in families, maybe parents do need to work a bit harder with the realities of life, too.

    Agatha Christie had a character make a comment in one of her novels that definitely touched me, “Life is badly arranged.” I’m not sure i agree completely, but the sentiment is one i often echo.

  6. I can relate too — not just to the bewilderment of being a “good girl” who did everything she thought she was supposed to but whose life hasn’t turned out the way she thought it would — but also getting the “life is not fair” talk from my mom. Sending good thoughts to your friend.