As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Like many of us, Karen* held out for Mr. Right. By the time she found him and married him, it was too late for her to realize her dream of being a mother. However…he came with two teenagers, and Karen found herself in the unusual position of being a (step)mom, but not a mom. She once shared with me that at times it seems easier to let other people assume she’s their mom, but it leaves her secretly feeling a little bit like a fraud whenever she is invited to activities such as Moms Night Out.
Now “47 and holding (lol),” Karen has a different perspective on the childfree life she leads.
LWB: Describe your dream of motherhood.
Karen: Two kids—one boy, one girl—and a white picket fence.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Karen: I’m childfree by chance because I didn’t meet the right person soon enough. But I do have stepkids, which requires a lot of work (their mom is not there to help much).
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Karen: My stepkids are almost raised. Now I’m looking forward to travel with my hubby. And I’m looking ahead to grandkids one day.
LWB: What was the turning point for you? (Either when you gave up on the dream of having children or when you felt you were able to move forward with a Plan B.)
Karen: Raising stepkids. I treat them as my own. Also, I was at a group event, and I was trying to somehow fit in with the wives of my husband’s friends. All they talked about were their kids and the teachers and other kids I didn’t know. I was soooo bored and wanted to escape, or at least have a conversation about some current event or travel or anything except their boring lives! I know I probably sound like a hater, but it’s how I felt—lol! A single dad finally came over and said, “God this is boring. Where are the cocktails?” I loved him for saying that.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children of your own?
Karen: I feel like I missed out on one of life’s big moments.
LWB: What’s the best advice you’ve received?
Karen: “Look at the advantages.” For example, I didn’t have to go through pregnancies and births. I have more freedom to work, to be with my hubby, and to travel.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Karen: “I have stepkids, which is enough for me.”
LWB: What is the best advice you wish you could have given your younger self?
Karen: “Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.”
*Not her real name. We allow each respondent to use a fictitious name for her profile, if she chooses.
Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Hi Karen
My dream of motherhood was the same as yours.
I too find the conversations of some of my friends to be just about their children and I have started to dislike meeting up with my friends with children. The worst is when a whole group of them get together, it seems like they are trying to compete with one another on who is the best mom.
Your hardest part is something that I have spoken to my husband about on many occasions. I also feel that we are missing out on something overly special in life.
Thank you for sharing, I am glad to hear someone else having similar thoughts as what I do.
Hugs
Tanja
Karen,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. My experience has been that having step kids adds a whole new twist to navigating a life without children of your own. It sounds as though you’ve found a way to make it work.
Lisa
Yes, thank you. I appreciated reading about how you have worked with these challenges and arrived at a philosophical but honest perspective. I hope that travel, quality time with your husband, work, and possible grand kids brings you much happiness!
a friend of mine became a stepmom of 4 teenagers at age 34 ( her husband is 10 years older). The mother of the children – who had left the dad for another man – is around a lot, which doesn’t make things easier. She now calls herself the ‘bonus mum’, I like that a lot 🙂